So, yeah, I woke up at 3am and thought: When my leave was turned down, I had an emotional reaction. I wanted to have the extra time with AJ. I felt disappointed that one possibility that would allow for this was denied. Stabby sad disappointed. Emotions connected with AJ have their own particular weight and feel. What I feel, is visceral. I feel it in my very centre, not just from the head space, but in the place where she was made and grew. It has always been so, from the time she was....embryonic. And will always be so, I am sure.
Am I being too quick to dismiss my "emotional reaction?"
Because the emotional reaction is the one I usually wake up with in the middle of the night.
These days I wake up at night at least once. Sometimes a lot oftener.
I will still be waking up at night in August. September, October. Maybe because the 10, 11, 12 month old baby is waking me up, or just because.
Still have to live with it then. Still have to live with decisions at 3am.
It's always possible rationalize, to turn questions into a thinking problem. It's something I do very well.
Less well at 3am.
So what if I don't go back to work in September. I'll let myself consider it.
I can be with AJ a bit longer. I don't have to feel pressured to make childcare work at 10 months, 11 months. Mr. Turtle will be with her till she's 11 months, but we will have to transition to full time care. It feels like a lot of pressure. It would be nice not to have that pressure.
I will be with her for more big developmental stuff. I won't have to wonder about what I missed.
We'd probably spend more time with family, especially my parents.
But mainly I won't have to feel that gut anguish of separation. Or will I? I mean, she's going to grow up, grow away. It happens; it's supposed to. Does it get easier? Is there a better time? Is one year old a better time? Two years old? Part of me wants to think there's a better, easier time to make that separation. If I put it off, would it be better for AJ, for me?
I don't know. It's hard. I guess I just wanted to say that.
Now I better get back to sleep, haha.