Sunday 3 December 2017

Getting ready/Not ready

One of the things I struggled with in my pregnancy with AJ, even after reaching third trimester, was having the confidence to get ready for an actual baby. A month or so from delivery, I needed a push from my mom to go buy baby clothes.

With regards to clothes at least, I've gotten over this aversion. I have organized AJ's tiny stuff with the intention that Sprite will wear lots of hand me downs, but I want her to have things of her own, too. So I took a few minutes one day and bought some "going home outfits:

Kitty cat ears are a thing...and yes those are AJ's toes...

We are also on a schedule, and (were) mostly sticking to it, to get the house ready for a second baby. We already have all the major baby items (furniture, stroller, bassinet, highchair etc.) so not much needs to be done there. Most of the work involves tidying and reorganizing the house to free up the extra bedroom. AJ's baby furniture will move into her sister's bedroom and she will get big girl furniture. Mr. Turtle and I will get a new item or two as well as we move clothes and other possessions into our master bedroom.  Sounds simple, in reality it's actually a lot of work.

I was anxious to have these steps done as I wanted to focus on nesting in December, and Christmas stuff, not on house jobs. But seeing as it is December already, this is not likely going to happen. My visions of peacefully making batches of Christmas cookies with AJ and adding sentimental touches to Sprite's room on peaceful weekend afternoons as the Christmas music plays and snow falls softly outside.....natch. For one thing, we keep getting sick. Weekends arrive and one or more is down for the count and the other staggers around in a daze trying to get enough done to survive and be sort of ready for Monday. My Christmas hat and apron is lost somewhere at school, misplaced on an afternoon when things went south (see below for more on that). Hopefully not irretrievably lost.  I've also been diagnosed with gestational diabetes and not sure anymore if I'm managing it well enough through diet.  I'm still hoping to make some cookies, but I bowed out of a cookie exchange with a friend and her friends. I'm sorry about that because I'm really trying to do more play dates and social things. But it just ain't gonna happen. Also, immersing myself in sugar and baking is probably not the best thing for the GD.

I also need some time to be mentally ready for a baby.  I had a reminder of that a couple of Fridays ago, when I had some unusual symptoms, possibly related to the gestational diabetes. I had an ultrasound at 30 weeks that showed Sprite exactly on the 50th percentile, healthy and practicing breathing.  Also, my initial tracking of the GD showed it under control. So that was all positive.

Usually the GD is symptomless, but this particular Friday I drank part of a juice box (not my usual behaviour: long-ish story involving various events at work leading to self-neglect and dehydration). A few minutes later, after the students had left for their gym class, I found I was having trouble seeing the words on my phone and computer screen. After 10 minutes of shaking my head and squinting, I realized something was kinda wrong. A google search revealed that blurry vision can be a symptom of high blood sugar. I didn't take a blood sugar reading (why not? No idea. I'm not always logical).  I went to the office so I would be around people if I passed out or something. I ate protein and the blurriness eventually went away...but then I developed a headache. After a few phone calls, I ended up in labour and delivery to be "checked out." I think this was mainly because my regular doctors were not in the office to see me (being Friday afternoon and all) and the nurses on the health help line almost ALWAYS tell you to go to emergency or the hospital.....sigh.

So, I spend several boring hours in L&D. I was hooked up to a heartbeat monitor. Sprite kept moving around which didn't make it easy to get the readings. I was also tracking movement with a button. I had blood and urine tests. It all checked out fine, other than showing I was dehydrated. My blood sugar was fine by the time I got to the hospital. I think the  reason they kept me so long was my symptoms were similar to those of serious conditions like high blood pressure (which I didn't have) or pre-eclampsia (nobody mentioned that but I googled it, ha).

I consider it a good sign of my mental health that I was not freaking out about being in L&D. I can imagine if this happened during my first pregnancy I would have been terrified. But mainly I felt bored and wished I could get out of there already. I also saw women in labour coming in and others leaving with new babies. I definitely do not feel ready for that! Maybe in a month, maybe after meeting with out doula....not now!  I was so desperate to be OUT OF THERE.  Luckily we had a date to go to a long time friend's open house (they are moving out of town). Albeit arriving late we had a good time there, played silly games and enjoyed some laughter therapy.

So, overall things are fine. My early Christmas wishes are for 1) better health in general for our family and 2) time and energy to accomplish things. It's frustrating to feel stagnant and like things are piling up around me, while I drag my butt around.  It remains to be seen what happens with the GD, but I hope I can keep my good attitude.

On a positive note we went for maternity photos a few weeks ago, and they turned out lovely. Since we had these beautiful photos, I did something I have not done before and officially announced the pregnancy on Facebook. The wave of support and happiness resulting has cheered up a dreary weekend. And it was nice to see what a few hundred dollars to professional photographers/hairdressers could do for our image. It's worth it.  A few examples that are sufficiently anonymous for the blog follow:

Sunday 12 November 2017

A few words about how we got pregnant (and at least as many in caveat)

Sprite and I are entering the third trimester, with no known complications so far other than mild gestational diabetes (I might write about that in another post, although there's not much to tell). So I feel mostly OK about writing a post about our success getting pregnant.

A few things you won't find in this post:

  • Advice on how to get pregnant unassisted. I'll say what worked for us, but I'm not claiming it will work for anyone else.
  • New scientific information. I wish I could give you the science of why conception happened this time, because that might be useful, but I don't know unfortunately, and neither does anyone else.
  • Trying to conceive woo (I don't believe in it, and I don't practice it.)
  • Lifestyle advice (again, I'll say what worked for me, but it isn't anything special)
So what's the point? Well, first I assume people are curious. I'm curious about other people. Secondly, there might be readers out there in similar circumstances who will find this information useful, anecdotal as it is. Lastly, perhaps it would be helpful to read someone be very matter of fact about how they beat the odds of infertility, which is what I intend to be. Don't get me wrong, Sprite and her older sister, AJ, are miracles that rock my world and my whole perspective on the universe. But that's a topic for another post, or several over a lifetime.  Lastly, as I move through this pregnancy, I'm thinking about ceasing to try to conceive, permanently. Part of this involves revisiting pieces of the odyssey, honouring them, and hopefully giving them their permanent place in the past.

Here is the summary of our fertility status. According to the doctors, both Mr. Turtle and I are infertile, but having achieved two pregnancies after our diagnosis, I think subfertile is more accurate. It's the word I use however, not the one our doctors use.

  • I was diagnosed with severe premature ovarian failure by our fertility doctor, Dr. Cotter. In her words, at age 33 my ovaries were functioning "like those of a 45 year old woman." The implication being that things would only get worse with age. After we had AJ however, she added "Clearly there are some young eggs in there."
  • Mr. Turtle has sperm counts that fluctuate from very bad to not so bad. He has Crohn's disease (currently in remission) and takes an immuno-suppressant medication. Either the disease or the medication or something about his current health causes a genital lymphedema that flares up periodically especially when he is sick. He has observed a drop in sperm count/quality when the lymphedema is bad, although Dr. Cotter said it shouldn't affect the sperm until 3 months later.
  • We have been trying to have children since the fall of 2011. There were periodic breaks, particularly right after Mr. Turtle was diagnosed with male infertility (which happened before my diagnosis) and for about 6 months after AJ was born. Other than that we've been trying pretty continuously on or own or with treatments (IVF in January 2014, and Clomid from September-December 2016). We haven't undergone that many treatments because Dr. Cotter did not see promise in many of the options. IUI was not initially recommended because of poor sperm count. IVF was tried once, but without great hopes, because my high FSH/low follicle count meant that my ovaries wouldn't stimulate (and they didn't).
So, with that information, what did I do?

  • I trusted my instincts. More or less. Even without the results of the medical tests, I could see that I did not ovulate all the time. My cycles tend to be around 24 days, and they can go as short as 15 days or more rarely, drag on for two months or more. However, I'm still more regular than not, and I have fertile signs such as stretchy mucous and ovulation pain maybe 60% of the time. When I temped, I got a rise in BBT on probably 2/3 cycles. I did get positive OPKs.  I'm definitely not optimally fertile. But I couldn't quite believe that I was completely infertile, either. It felt like my body was trying to do the right thing; it just didn't succeed a lot of the time.
  • I have used the OvaCue fertility monitor periodically, although I've found it less useful in the past couple years, for whatever reason. The OvaCue was how we timed sex to conceive AJ. But more recently I found I was getting very wonky readings and they were not so useful. So I did not use it for the cycle where we conceived Sprite or several of the ones preceding it. 
  • OPKs. I had the most success  with the non-digital kind. I liked to see the lines getting slowly darker as the fertile window approached. I would usually continue testing a few days after seeing the first positive, to see how long it stayed positive and when it went back to negative. Usually the test would stay positive for 2-3 days. I tested around noon. There were many days at school I'd go around with an OPK hidden in my pocket, trying to find a convenient time to sneak a peak. I dreaded leaving it somewhere accidentally and people starting rumours (because they couldn't tell the difference between it and a positive pregnancy test).
  • I took a daily prenatal. I've been on those things for most of the past 3 years. Prior to conceiving AJ I took only folic acid. Sometimes I'd get tired of them and go back to only folic acid.
  • In the summer of 2016, I started DHEA supplements and CO Q10 again, with Dr. Cotter's agreement. I took 75mcg of DHEA and 300 of CO Q10 until I think about January of 2017. At some point, I forget exactly when, I decided to reduce the dose. I had no very logical reason for doing so; I was just tired of taking pills three times a day. I went down to 25mcg of DHEA and I think 30mg of COQ10.
  • I took baby aspirin off and on. I did this because it was prescribed for our IVF cycle and I figured if it helped with implantation during IVF, it might help with natural implantation too. Sometimes I took if for the whole cycle, sometimes I only started after I confirmed ovulation. Sometimes not at all. I did take it for the cycle we conceived Sprite, but I forget when I started exactly. I stopped a few days after the first pregnancy test, on the recommendation of my family doctor who said he saw no point in continuing it.
  • I would usually take my BBT until I confirmed ovulation. For a few cycles I took it the whole time, but I found I was getting stressed about it particularly after confirming ovulation when I would start obsessing over the temperatures wondering if they showed conception or not. It started interfering with my sleep patterns. So I stopped taking it after 2-3 days of a confirmed rise.
  • I tracked changes in cervical mucous, as I found this a pretty consistent indicator of fertility, though not 100% consistent, of course.
My chart:

Summary in words:
  • Positive OPKs on days 10 through 12
  • Sex on days 7, 9 and 11
  • Temperature rise on day 10, with a dip on day 11, then another rise on day 12 and a fairly constant slow rise to day 17 when I stopped temping
  • Tender breasts days 11 through 18 (at least that's when I remembered to chart it)
  • High temperature recorded on day 29, when I figured I was a few days late. This followed by the first positive pregnancy test.
On Mr. Turtle's side, he had had one test in the fall of 2016 showing very low sperm count. Due to gaps in our appointments, we didn't know the results of this test  till January, but the sperm situation may have had something to do with why we didn't conceive on Clomid, as my ovulation was confirmed 3/4 times. However, I also had a very short luteal phase on Clomid, for whatever reason. In the spring Mr. Turtle re-tested and the sperm counts were much better, good enough for Dr. Cotter to recommend IUI as the next step. We were supposed to start that in June. I conceived Sprite in May.

And that's about it. We did much the same things on this cycle that we did on a dozen other cycles. But this time, it worked for some reason.


I was average weight, on the slender side. I generally eat a healthy and balanced diet, but I'm pretty relaxed about it too. There are no foods I avoid and no foods I eat especially for fertility. Stress affects my eating habits (I eat less). My job is fairly stressful, though usually manageable. I don't recall having high stress when we conceived Sprite. My stress was definitely much lower, for example, than when I was trying to adjust to my new job and being a working parent, and dealing with my dad's illness and death, etc. Our outlook toward trying to conceive was more positive then than it had been in a while, due to hearing about Mr. Turtle's improved sperm counts and having a treatment plan again.

I did not completely avoid caffeine, though never imbibed excessively. I had one cup of instant coffee most mornings (anything more made me feel sick).  I drank alcohol, mainly wine, periodically, once a week at most, often less. I generally avoided drinking when I figured I was in my luteal phase, but there were certainly days when I was like, screw it, a little bit won't hurt. Everybody has their limits, and one of mine is alterations in my diet. Trying to conceive means performing a lot of ritualized behaviours. Some of these I was OK with (to a point): Charting, taking pills, taking BBT, etc. Allowing ritualized behaviour to infringe on my food and drink choices, including my small pleasures such as a cup of coffee or a glass of wine, felt like a bridge too far. When I looked at it analytically, I felt there was no hard evidence it made any difference at all, at least not to me. So since I didn't want to change my diet anyway, I didn't. I share this in part to validate that it's OK to have boundaries around what you are willing to do when trying to conceive. Everybody has different ones, but whatever they are, my advice is to know and respect them. This shit can take over your life and drive you crazy. Don't let it.

That's about all. Why were we able to conceive? Here's my theory of subfertility:

  1. some people are fertile all or most of the time
  2. some people are infertile all or most of the time
  3. some people are infertile much of the time, but are occasionally fertile
I think we fall into group 3. Most fertility tests would put people in either group 1 or 2. Group 3 is hard to diagnose because they would have to be retested constantly to find the "fertile windows." The only way to know if you are in group 3 is by experience. Two pregnancies in 6 years does not = great fertility, but qualitatively and quantitatively, it's a helluva lot more than zero.  We are extremely lucky.

As always, love and light to all who stop by to read. 

Tuesday 31 October 2017

I hosted a birthday party!

"I hosted a birthday party..." some people might read that and go, so what? Because there are people who grew up with parties, love parties, wanted children so they can throw more parties, get invited to lots of parties, are expert/competitive party planners, have parties for everything. They exist. I assume they are happy. I hope they live long virtuous lives.

I am not one of them.

Sometimes it feels like a character failing, but there are a few actual reasons:

  • My family was involved with a religious cult for a few years of my early childhood. One of the rules of this cult was that you don't celebrate birthdays. (Or holidays, or sing/stand for the national anthem, or participate in any mainstream culture, or be friends with people who were not in the cult....Yeah they were great for the social life.) Luckily, my parents saw  the light when I was around 4 and left. But old habits died hard and we never celebrated birthdays until I was mid teens or so. Honestly, I didn't usually feel the lack as a child, but it means I got no exposure to birthday celebrations and grew up indifferent to them. (There is one exception: I made a friend at around age 8 who probably struggled socially, though I didn't think of that at the time. Somehow my mom let me go to her St. Patrick's day party, and after that I remember getting an invitation to a birthday party....maybe more than one? I recall receiving one card that said "Please, please, PLEASE come to my party!" And my mom made me write a card back saying I don't go to parties. I felt bad writing that card, both for myself and for my friend, but I couldn't say why. To this day I feel sad thinking of it; it was just plain wrong to not go to that party. It was wrong of my mom to not allow it. The fact I lost touch with my friend later makes it feel more wrong.)
  • I got a better social life later on as a young adult, and part of that was going out for drinks or having little celebrations of friends' birthdays and buying them presents. I enjoyed that.  But I have never invited anyone to celebrate my birthday, partly because I wasn't used to doing so and partly because it's on December 26th. Kinda awkward.
  • I am an introvert and tend to shrink away from drawing attention to myself. There have been a few exceptions: one, when I graduated with my first degree I was very happy and proud and threw a party for friends. Two, before I went to live abroad I had a sort of going away party. Three, my wedding. There you go. Can count them on the fingers of one hand. Now, I have organized many other social events, but they weren't about me specifically.
So, fast forward to married and child bearing age....that didn't help, actually. As I've noted before, most of my close friends and immediate family are childfree by circumstance or choice. Whatever extended family I have or acquired through marriage doesn't live close by. This was quite convenient when we were struggling with infertility (note past tense) but there no invitations to baby showers, children's parties, etc. (OK, *cough* there was one...I didn't go) Again, nice for a childless infertile; not so great for a new parent who is supposed to know all about these things.

Well, so now I am AJ's mom and have to make decisions about her life. While there is much I appreciate about my childhood, the social isolation piece of it is not something I want to replicate. (My parents were very good, dedicated parents; they would have given their right hands before seeing their children harmed. They also had their flaws like anyone else and they were at times victims of things they did not understand.) So, Mr. Turtle and I agreed we would celebrate birthdays and holidays and encourage AJ and any siblings to be social. Excellent; but then we had to actually make it happen. Mr. Turtle is supportive, but unfortunately a little too similar to me socially and lacking the sense of urgency and obligation.

For AJ's first and second birthdays, I kinda cheated by only inviting adults to the parties. My excuse was I didn't have any mom friends, and she was too young to have real friends anyway, and, um, it was just easier to have our childfree relatives and friends over and have a good time. But I could see as her third birthday approached that AJ was forming relationships with children at her daycare, and was pretend playing at birthday parties (often with imaginary friends invited), and I started to worry that soon she would learn to feel different or left out if we didn't get our act together. So I felt anxious and did....well nothing until last month. OK, not quite nothing: I made friends with one daycare mom, and it turns out we have lots in common including subfertility. (In a lucky break, she is pregnant too, and hopefully it will continue to go well). So thanks to that AJ got *invited* to a party, and I had less excuses to not throw one.

So, what did I do to make this birthday party happen? Well telling that will take a lot less space than telling all the reasons I procrastinated.

  • I figured out who AJ's most consistent friends at daycare were, through observation and asking her several times and taking the mode of the answers. I decided we would invite 4 (two boys, two girls)
  • As I breezed past parents during daycare pick up and drop off, I worked up the nerve to say "We really should exchange phone numbers!" with enthusiasm. I was encouraged by the enthusiastic responses. Though none of us ever had our phones at the time.
  • Finally, with a week to go, I found some pretty note cards and wrote: "I always mean to get your number but it hasn't happened. Here's mine and by the way we are having a celebration for or text me). And all four of them did and said they would come.
  • I printed invitations using a Microsoft template. No suspense wondering if people would say yes because I knew they would.
Party planning was pretty easy. I had a decent idea what the children liked from observing them, and I wasn't about to try anything too adventurous.
  • One and half days to clean the house and blow through the week's laundry to get ready
  • One trip to party store for decorations (I've bought the same polka dot themed stuff all three years, which means I can reuse some items every year.
  • Dairy Queen for ice cream cake (same as last year; AJ requested it again)
  • Activities: I set out some of AJ's toys that could be good for sharing, and set up a little craft table. We had playdough, colouring pages (AJ chose the pictures) and some puzzles.
  • Pre-made fruit, veggie and cheese trays from the grocery store
  • Pizza ordered in for early dinner
  • Picking out stuff for swag bags was actually kind of fun. I made them a little snapshot of AJ's current interests:

Kitty keychain, dinosaurs, Frozen crayons, Spiderman finger puppet.
The little bags were all different colours so each child could pick a colour.
AJ helped create the swag bags. They were a hit!
    So, if anyone is like me and has anxiety over preschooler parties, there's your easy party template.

    Also, not to leave out our relatives and childfree friends, we had a get together at a family friendly Japanese restaurant the night before the kid party. This worked really well since we weren't overwhelmed with too many people at our house and we could spend more quality time with everyone. 

    • Number of children (and parents). Four (plus one one year old sibling) was juuuuuust right. The house looked like only a small tornado hit it afterwards. And it wasn't too busy for some real conversation with the adults.
    • Playdough and dinosaurs
    • Ice cream cake
    • Snacks
    • AJ was mostly good with sharing and did a good job of welcoming her friends, paying attention to all of them and telling them what the activities were.
    • All the play, laughter, smiles and hugs. Social learning around sharing and party conventions happened too. We found a nice balance between letting the children do their thing and intervening to teach some skills. I didn't get a weird vibe from anyone and I made sure I was warm and welcoming to each child. It's not hard because they are all sweeties and really much less of a challenge than my special ed class of 9 teenage boys. 
    • At least one parent is keen to follow up with a playdate. I have confidence I can build further relationships with all of them now.
    Misses (not many, but live and learn)
    • Many colours of play dough. Looked pretty but in a few minutes all the colours were mixed together to make brown. Now I know why the daycare only puts out one colour at a time.
    • Pizza: the kids weren't that into it, and we had way too much left over and had to eat it ourselves. It was OK, but I think fried chicken next time.
    • Putting out new toys to share: AJ did great for the most part, and had no problem sharing her brand new dinosaurs. The  dealbreaker was a colourful domino set one of my friends gave her the day before. I think she just wasn't ready to share it. She wanted to play with it in her own way, and when her friends started grabbing the dominoes she was not happy with them. After some partially successful social coaching from me and the other parents, I decided the best thing to do was distract her with some snacks and make the dominoes discreetly disappear until the party was over. Luckily she easily recovered and did not get in a mood.
    The big win is AJ enjoyed herself, so did the other kids and I MADE IT HAPPEN. Woot! AJ has been dancing about  every since saying "I'm a preschooler!" Wait, how did that happen? Never mind, everything is awesome.

    Friday 20 October 2017

    Baby Sister

    (Content: second pregnancy, siblings, ultrasound photos added maybe later)

    I don't have a sister, and Mr. Turtle doesn't have a sister, so "baby sister" means.....AJ is going to have a sister! Sprite is a girlie!

    Since I last updated in August, I've returned to work, which mostly accounts for the lack of posting: I've been floundering in Too Much To Do for weeks. This week I finished individual program plans and parent meetings, which is giving me at some space to breathe (lots still on the to-do list, but at least I don't have my face in the computer every available moment during workdays and weekends). I don't feel like SuperTeacher/SuperMom, not even close, but I feel less stressed. I can actually take a few minutes to myself and not give a !@#$.

    Pregnancy update:

    19 week ultrasound was at the beginning of September. Sprite looked good, and was identified as a Girl! whee! This will be my first life experience with sisters (I didn't even have close female friends until I was older). I hear they fight all the time, and are best friends, etc. I am quite particular to say "a girl" and not "another girl" because the latter can sound dismissive in my opinion. Sprite is not Another Anything: she is a freaking miracle baby, and treasured as such.

    My mother was concerned that Mr. Turtle would be disappointed the baby wasn't a boy. Uh, no. He had actually deternined the the odds were in favour of a girl, since he understands things about genetics and statistics. I think he said 5/8,  chance; don't ask me how he came up with that number. But as one of 3 boys, apparently he has more chances of having girls than boys. I always assumed sperm were 50/50 distribution but I guess not. Anyway, the way I see it the "girl sperm" were the fastest  and strongest, and who am I to argue with that.

    We had to do two ultrasounds as they couldn't get all the photos the first time. It was actually fun to get two looks, and it felt like we saw a lot more the second time. The procedure was done by a student and a preceptor, and the preceptor had to explain everything, which meant we had a better idea of what we were seeing.  They called the baby "cute" and "photogenic" with which we totally agreed....

    I still have a fibroid near the cervix, same as last pregnancy. I'm not concerned about it especially since it wasn't an issue before, but it means at least one more scan in 3rd trimester.  The first ultrasound at 19 weeks showed "marginal cord insertion" meaning the cord was near edge of placenta, but when they looked a second time they said it wasn't marginal anymore, so either the first photos were unclear or it changed.

    I feel lots of movement now, and it is sometimes visible from the outside. Of course this is lovely and reassuring, and I currently don't have any worries about this pregnancy, though I take things a week at a time. So lucky. I'm also quite big and noticeably pregnant, enough that "what's your due date" is a common conversational opener. I definitely feel awkwarder and heavier and I really don't like getting up from a squat position. I have been keeping up my stepdancing (easier class, drop ins) and so far I don't have any issues with my ankles twisting. I'm hopeful that dancing will keep them strong and improve my balance as things get more unwieldy. I haven't been able to schedule any prenatal yoga yet.

    One thing that's different from last pregnancy is I have great hair. When I pregnant with AJ I always felt like I had a dirty mop on my head. My hair was so greasy. Now it is thick and glossy and so well balanced I only wash it every 3 days. The other side of that though is I have struggled with shampoo. It started at around 12 weeks when I went to the stylist and pampered myself by buying some fancy shampoo. Problem was it had this weird smell, like olive oil, that grossed me out.  I didn't want to get rid of it because I paid so much money, but finally I had to. I looked for another which I thought had no was OK for a while and then it started to disgust me too. So now I'm using an organic shampoo that smells like peppermint, which so far is not making me gag. It's a pretty trivial problem in the big picture of things but still annoying.

    Speaking of the nausea, it's mostly gone. I went off the medication completely around 20 weeks and survived. For a few weeks I would get occasional waves of intense nausea, which mercifully would pass after a minute or so of deep breathing. Those too have become increasingly rare though. I don't miss that aspect at all! Other than the fact I am easier fatigued, I am following a regular busy routne with no major problems. I have a good appetite most days, even at dinner which was usually the meal I didn't want.

    I have had less round ligament pain than first pregnancy. I guess things just stretch easier.  Speaking of which I have no stretch marks or anything like that. I did not have them with AJ either. Lucky again I guess. I have a lot of veins showing.

    Last week I was 24 weeks, so we are at viability, which is awesome. November marks the beginning of the 3rd trimester, which seems kind of crazy, but I feel intensely happy and privileged that this process is proceeding smoothly and well....proceeding.  There is nothing like the growth of new life to make me feel the passage of time, but the feeling is sweetened by the expectation of a promise fulfilled.

    So, emotions and mental stuff? My biggest struggle has been coping with the busyness of work and trying to have enough time and attention to divide between family/health/pregnancy/work. On top of that I got quite sick with a bad cold / sinus infection for a couple of weeks which didn't help. I feel like I don't have much time to process the fact I'm pregnant or a second child is incoming just because I am always so distracted. I wish I could dwell on it more, take it in. Of course, it is due to the fact things are going well that I can have this distracted attitude. If they weren't, the whole shmozzle would come crashing down and I wouldn't even care. So anything I can possibly complain about is really due to amazing good luck.

    I do have moments of "wow" and it's starting to sink in that I get to give birth again, and have a newborn, and it's actually a very joyful thought. Right now I am only remembering the amazing, thrilling parts of the process so it's all positive. If/When we get around to doing more actual preparations for the new baby I'm sure these feelings will intensify. So far I've only cleaned out a closet which was a big accomplishment but only one of many steps that has to happen. Because we have a smallish house and we use every room, we have to do some pretty major reorganizing before we have a space for a new baby's room.

    We should meet with our doula soon, which should be awesome since we haven't seen her since the week after AJ was born. I've shown AJ some pictures of her so she has an idea who she is. We also have maternity/family photos scheduled for end of November.

    AJ is also awsome. She is 3 in two weeks and I hope to have more of a "real" birthday party with a few kids. So far I believe 2 of AJ's friends are coming and I'm hoping two more, but I've procrastinated getting contact info for AJ's daycare friends so I'm hoping to run into them. Or maybe just start distributing business cards, because whatever gets the job done. We'll finalize plans this weekend, now that I have more of my brain back. I've told Mr. Turtle he has to actively plan because I suck at this stuff.

    AJ has been processing that there is another baby on the way, in her way. She calls her "baby sister" and talks about things she will do with her when she's born. She expects that baby sister will inherit all her baby furniture, which is true. She also talks about how Spiderman (her doll) has a baby sister, Talking Baby (her baby doll).  It is quite adorable. AJ has been fascinated with babies for a few months so I think this is pretty good timing. AJ is well on her way to being a little girl. She is mostly potty trained during the day and is regularly discovering new interests as well as being very conversational and imaginative. Since this is a long entry already, I'll save AJ updates for another time.

    Sending love and light to everyone, wherever your path takes you.

    And when your river runs high
    Let it flow, let it flow
    It's your time with life to let your garden grow
    And when your burden gets rough
    Let it go, let it go
    Let your strength return on every breeze that blows

    -from Island Girl, 

    Monday 14 August 2017

    #Microblog Mondays: Calm

    Not so micro, but I'm writing it on a  Monday.... (Content: pregnancy, emotions, partially clothed photographs)

    We returned from a 10 day family vacation on the west coast a few days ago. I had committed to having a healthy emotional state for this long-awaited trip, and hoped to be in a healthy physical state too (that being a tad less in my control). I managed both, for the most part. My in-laws from the USA flew in for a week, and we also had a few days on our own. Mr. Turtle and I call this our first "real" vacation in 4 years, because 4 years ago he started his Master's, and he finished it at the end of July. Although we've done plenty of fun stuff in the past 4 years, Mr. Turtle always had assignments hanging over his head, or the beginning of a new course to think about, and this time he did not have to worry about any of that (although he persisted on worrying about passing his final course, despite achieving a perfect GPA and several scholarships over the course of the degree....such is life.)

    Our goals for the trip were to get away to a fun destination, but one that could be reached in a short flight. Considering AJ's age, I thought she would enjoying exploring the seashore, and I wanted to share this exciting experience with her. We have many interests, but we thought a nature focus would be best, and save trips with emphasis on culture and history for a later date. I hope the state of the world does not preclude these trips in the future: I seriously wonder if AJ will have the same freedom to travel (mostly worry-free) as I enjoyed. I do hope so, though I have doubts.

    We divided our time between relaxing at the rental house, exploring parks including old-growth forest and beaches, enjoying a couple of local playgrounds and the waterfront, and a restaurant or two. My food aversions are not too bad this pregnancy, although I tolerate WASP food the best (and Greek). No fancy sauces or seasonings please. Of course, our destination is the origin of this eponymous treat, which was enjoyed by everyone.

    Fun things we enjoyed with AJ and the in-laws, in no particular order:

    • playing hide and seek (AJ loves to look for people but hasn't quite mastered hiding and staying quiet until found)
    • playing catch with a beach ball
    • exploring the roots of huge trees
    • making sandcastles, picking up shells and splashing in tidepools. AJ's first comment about the beach was "Sandbox....Sandbox....!" A very big and interesting one it was, too. She did not want to go in the "big water," i.e. ocean but loved the sand and small pools.
    • Playgrounds, of course. There were a few excellent ones in the area. Any excursion requires locating a playground ASAP.
    • Small "hikes" in provincial parks (like meandering walks....not backpacking up
    • An extended amount of time for AJ to bond with her out of town grandparents. This was so good for all of them. 

    We took a couple of day trips off our "big island" to some little ones. One was Gabriola Island, where Mr. Turtle and I had vacationed 4 years ago. I particularly wanted to return to this island. We had a great time back them, but that trip was also right in the middle of escalating infertility angst. My wonderful memories of swimming, kayaking, playing with cats, and exploring beaches are mixed in with anxiety about a very long cycle (I think I even took a pregnancy test at one point), several troubling medical diagnoses and one unknown genetic test hanging over our heads, and wondering if we would ever have a child. I still enjoyed it a lot, but I had an urge to go back with AJ, and little Sprite on board, and see the place from a different life perspective. So we did. And we just loved our day there.

    One of our favourite spots - then and now - was a beach that we reached by a short hike.

    Photo from 4 years scenery photos  this time!

    As soon as we reached the beach, I walked into the ocean. If my last thought on this earth is of swimming in the ocean, I think I would die happy. There is nothing like the feeling of floating in cool water surrounded by sky and mountains and trees and silence. Also, since my recent months have been dominated by fatigue and nausea and trying to mentally escape my body, it was marvelous and freeing to be in my body and enjoying its sensations and movement.

    Afterwards I went for a walk along the nearly deserted beach to dry off. Mr. Turtle joined me and we had a lovely talk. At one point he asked me "How are you feeling?"

    I chose to give a not so obvious answer; I've been thinking about it ever since.

    The answer was: Calm. But a specific kind of calm. Jordan Peterson talks about the both the fear and the appeal of the unknown (chaos). One one hand we wish to avoid the unknown because it means leaving the safety of the familiar. As humans we really, really like safety, because it allows us to create a predictable present and future. On the other hand, the unknown/chaos contains treasure to be discovered, and the possibility of a new, better kind of order. While the present order might be comfortable, it can also be stifling (or corrupt and decadent).

    I know many kinds of calm (I am lucky that way, I suppose). I have experienced the stifling calm, when I was physically comfortable and life was predictable but I wanted so badly to escape, to confront whatever chaos was outside my bubble and find out what I was truly made of. I felt this way a lot in my teens and early 20s. I had a fairly sheltered life, which had its advantages but also made me deeply uneasy.

    Then there is the calm that happens shortly before I know that everything is going to change. This is an amazing feeling that is hard to describe, but marvelous to experience. It's like a simultaneous acceptance of both the ordered present and imminence of unknown chaos. I found my mind going back to another vacation, more that 10 years ago, on the Greek island of Kefalonia. Kefalonia is a place of beauty, wonder and mystery; I could (and have) written plenty about my experiences there (not on this blog). I was in a very different life space then: 26, single, traveling (somewhat) alone in a (somewhat) foreign country and culture. I had no certainty about what I'd be doing in a few months for work or where I'd be living or if I would have a relationship.

    As I explored the tiny village where I was staying, and swam in the sea (of course) I had the profound conviction that my life was going to change, very soon. And the thought left me deeply happy, and calm, although I did not know what that change would look like. I had a fantasy in my mind at the time, involving a musician I had a crush on and was going to travel to see in a few weeks. The fantasy didn't come true, but my life did change in the the next few years. The mystical side of me believes Kefalonia whispered secrets to me; it is a magical place where I could "see" the future (not literally see in a vision, but see through my intuition). The rationalist in me observes that I was so determined that my life was going to change that I would have made it change no matter what. I think both are true.

    When I sat on the beach on Gabriola, I felt the same kind of calm. The present moment was perfect: Mr. Turtle, AJ, my happy in-laws sharing this time with us, a beautiful beach, the sound of water in my ears. I also knew it as temporary. Perhaps it was the expanse of the ocean whispering to me. And I loved the thought of change too: that I would evolve, that expectations and presumed certainties would crumble, but that in that change there is potential, and a new order.

    And some pictures. I guess this is my first "belly photo," taken at the same beach. I like it a lot.

    Glamour shot!
    Tree home
    AJ drawing a rainbow in the sand

    Happy summer to all.....I hope it brings a kind of calm to you that you can enjoy!

    Thursday 27 July 2017


    (Content: second pregnancy, ultrasound - including photo, at bottom - plans)

    For me, the first trimester feels rather like being on a runaway train (or at least, a train I do not control) heading toward a track switch. A hand is on the track switch, ready to send the train in one direction or another, but I don't know which, and I don't know what is down that track.

    I suppose all of life is actually like this, but being the (flawed, mortal) carrier of another life I always feel it more.

    Sprite's 12-week ultrasound, including nuchal translucency scan and other screenings, felt very much like an upcoming track switch. Of course I knew what I hoped to see, what everyone else hoped to see, and indeed, was expecting to see: with more confidence than I felt, it often seemed.

    I thought about and read about all sorts of possibilities in the days leading up to it. I can't say I had any coherent thoughts about them. I just had to different possibilities.

    But we got the best possible results last week. Remembering that AJ was rather unco-operative at her scan last time around, and wouldn't move for the technician, I ate a couple of candies shortly before the scan. Maybe it worked, because the first thing the technician said was "there is the baby moving around" (phew) and then told me to go pee, because despite never drinking as much as recommended I still managed to have too full a bladder.

    Sprite was very wiggly throughout the whole scan, which was lovely and fun to see. There was no trouble getting all the measurements, and they lined up with what they should be. "Everything that should be there, and nothing that shouldn't," as Mr. Turtle put it. He/she is slightly longer than expected for gestational age - a tall baby? Heart rate is identical to AJ's (Ember's) at the same age: 150. I may amuse myself by trying to read (contradictory) things into that information: but mainly I'm happy - VERY happy - that Sprite is developing normally as far as we can see and my odds for chromosomal conditions are revised to 1 in the thousands, with no further screening recommended. I'll take those odds. My due date was revised to January 31st. I am rather unreasonably annoyed by that; I preferred February 1st. It's just a day though.

     Afterwards, relieved and ravenous, Mr. Turtle and I went out for lunch and had a nice visit. I had decided that if all looked good at this scan, I was going to make a mental and emotional effort to Move On: and follow that up with actual actions, in so far as I am able.

    First step: "allow" myself to be happy.

    And then:

    Start wearing maternity clothes. I actually washed them all the day before the ultrasound, but I didn't put them in my drawers: I left them in the laundry basket tucked away in a corner. I'm at a weird stage where regular size pants aren't comfortable, and tend to fall down, but maternity clothes don't quite fit right either (at least in the first part of the day). But the maternity clothes are still better overall, and unlike last time when I tried to stay in regular clothes with bella bands, and conceal what was going on, I'm all about comfort now.

    Referral to ob/gyn. I have the same ones as last time, which I'm happy about, and see them in the fall for the first time. I stay with my regular doctor till then. Again, I'm pretty matter of fact about it. It feels good to take this step.

    Contacted our doula from AJ's birth and made plans for her to attend the upcoming birth. I haven't discussed the "birth plan" in detail but assuming it will be the same as AJ's: hospital birth, as few interventions as possible but retaining all options, and Mr. Turtle and doula in attendance. I am really happy that I can have all the same pieces in place as for AJ's birth. I know I can't predict what will happen, but it is comforting to have familiar elements. I'm especially happy that we can have the same doula. Last year she moved out of the city with a new boyfriend, though she still returned for some births. However, the boyfriend is now a fiance and they are moving back to the city this fall. Another way in which "timing" has worked out just fine, despite having, like, no control over timing.

    Get my hair cut and highlighted for the first time in 4 months. I have been growing it longer, and then when I got pregnant and was sick all the time I didn't want to go to the hairstylist. But I have been feeling neglected. I had a new stylist this time, and I gave her my perspective that haircuts are temporary, I don't take myself too seriously, and I trust her to suggest what might look good. So I got a slight trim, not losing a lot of length but much weight, and some highlights that we tinted strawberry. The pinkish colour will fade in a few weeks but it's fun for now and I'm liking how it works with my skin.

    Manicure and pedicure, which I still haven't done.

    Embracing better daily energy and health. I still turn into a pumpkin around dinner time, but I can keep going quite well in the middle of the day for several hours, and I am even skipping my noon nausea pill. (I still carry it with me, in case things go south).

    Processing that this will most likely be my last pregnancy and child. I'm 95% sure it will be, assuming it ends in a live baby. If not, I might find the courage to try one more time, though I  don't like to think of that. At all.  I will be 38 in December and after 6 years of focusing significant time and effort on getting pregnant, I really think I'm done. Of course I have all these brain patterns specifically dedicated to TTC, and who knows what I will do with them all.

    I have to admit, that the thought "this is the last time I'm pregnant" has so far brought a feeling of relief. I want this pregnancy to work, because I want and love my unborn child. But also partly because I really don't want to do this again. The nausea was worse, the fatigue was worse; I'm older and busier with responsibilities. The screen didn't suggest chromosomal differences, but of course that's not a guarantee: I always have in the back of my mind I COULD have a special needs child (anybody can). I have faith that I'd face that reality with love and resolve, but I'm not anxious to take on further risks as we age.

    Still. I know my nausea and overall physical weakness is affecting my emotions at the moment, as as those symptoms (hopefully) lesson, I'll probably have more complicated feelings about this likely being the last time. I hope to embrace those feelings with the awe and gratitude that we are in the position to make this decision while getting what we wanted. It's a VERY different decision than the one we would face if the gamble did not pay off. And we were one little track switch away from that reality.

    But hey. In CS Lewis's Screw Tape Letters, the senior devil gives the junior devil this wise advice about humans: Do whatever you can to prevent your human charge from living in the present. It is better if he lives in the past, but better yet if he lives in the future. Because when they live in the present, humans are the closest they can get to heaven, if they only knew it.

    So, begone devils. Here is my present, my ever changing growing present. I give you: Sprite.

    Friday 14 July 2017

    Life is easier, with some exceptions

    I'm cautiously optimistic I'm on an upswing. I'm getting some pleasure out of mundane things; that's how I can tell.

    The nausea seems better overall. I'm scared to write that because several times it seemed better and came back in various shades of awful. I'm still actually quite terrified of it, and reluctant to voluntarily reduce my medication dosage. But I do feel better overall: I have a good appetite most of the time, and my "yucky" times are more predictable: they mostly happen in the evening now.

    In the past few days I was able to go on a day trip with AJ and Mr. Turtle to the mountains and take a short hike, which was awesome. AJ loved seeing all the flowers on the trail: she rushed from one to the other squealing: "More flowers! More! And more! Yellow flowers! Red flowers! White flowers! Squeeee, A BUG!" This is a parenting fantasy come true. I always wanted my child's formative experiences to be with nature. We spend so much time in the created world of humans, and  the technological side of it is especially penetrative. But before AJ is too immersed in the created world, I want her to understand what it is created from and about. A flower is not just a picture or a symbol or a cartoon, it is a flower. She will have many mediated experiences of flowers, but nothing should replace her experience with a flower.  Seeing her on this hike made me feel like I am succeeding here. I'm happy.

    I also found the energy to do some daytime activities. We spent an afternoon with my mom at a local park and outdoor swimming pool. We had a picnic. We splashed for hours. Life was good. I had lunch with a (very pregnant) friend I haven't seen in a while.  I should be around 11 weeks now. My ultrasound (including nuchal translucency and other screening) is next Friday. No bleeding (but I check the toilet tissue every damn time; I always see blood in my mind.) I'm hoping this next ultrasound shows everything is just fine, and I'm hoping that it is a before/after milestone: Before, caution, hopefulness in check, fatigue, illness, disconnection; After: Feeling better, reassurance, more engagement with the world, more active planning for a baby. And family vacation. At the same time I know hope is just hope.  I know our lives could take other twists and turns. But I hope.

    In the meantime I'm starting to act a bit more alive, and to take enjoyment out of small things, and it's kind of satisfying to deal with small annoying things vs. terrifying things that derail my life. Today's accomplishment so far: using up the balance (minus a few cents) on a pre-loaded credit card I've had for....two and a half years? and which is about to expire. This was not as easy as you might think and in conclusion I am not a fan of either preloaded cards or online shopping. I must be old. This card was electronic use only. So I had to think of stuff I could buy most easily online, which isn't as easy for me as it might be for some people. Then it took me a while to figure out I had to register the card online for it to work at all. OK. The first few purchases (movies) were easy. But then when the balance got lower I couldn't just buy whatever I wanted. First I forgot the balance on the card, and went online to check it. Apparently I can't answer my own security questions correctly (is the answer to "what model is your phone" "iPhone5" or "iPhone" or "IPHONE 5" or......). Account locked, customer service called.

    Once I dealt with that I went searching for items on Amazon that were within a certain price range. I can never think of what I need or want when my goal is specifically to SPEND MONEY. I found a  CD that cost less than the balance. Good. Then I was down to just over 6 dollars, which is when it really got challenging. I filtered my search for items that were around two dollars. That should have made things easy, but nope. I don't know if it's just an (Canadian) thing, but there are all sorts of items listed for a couple of dollars and cents, but when you go to order them, about ten dollars of postage is added on. Seriously, WTF? Who would buy pencils for $1.50 and then pay ten dollars postage? Why even show me that crap?

    Anyway, I finally ordered two sheets of stickers for AJ and reduced my balance to a few cents, which I don't care about. This is probably how the company makes money: if everyone leaves a few cents on their cards, they get to pocket it. Whatever. PSA: don't buy people preloaded cards. Give them money or a cheque FFS. Plus you don't pay tax on cash or a cheque.

    Other pregnancy stuff:

    -I have pregnancy bloat that sort of looks like a bump. It's kind of amusing. I haven't brought out any maternity clothes (waiting on that ultrasound) but I put away a lot of clothes because I have no interest in wearing them. The less is touching my body, the happier I am, so I'm living in sundresses and linen smocks. I finally did take out my maternity bras because I could no longer pretend my regular bras fit. I'm not quite filling up the G cups but they fit much better than the other ones.  It all suggests I'm probably still pregnant so not complaining.

    -Crazy vivid dreams. I think I had this during the pregnancy with AJ too. Sometimes they are disturbing, sometimes amusing, somethings just plain weird.

    -Peeing. A lot.

    -Fatigue and ickiness, but not as bad as it was

    -Unkempt hair, because I want to be feeling better when I get it cut and maybe highlighted.

    -No food aversions really, other than avocado. I just randomly like and hate things. I'm temperamental and kind of ridiculous.

    -Absent minded. If I don't literally say out loud "I'm now doing X. I have now done X" half the time I can't remember 5 minutes later if I did it.

    Carrying on. One day at a time, one small pleasure and errand at a time.

    Monday 3 July 2017

    Microblog Monday: Exhausted

    I had some interesting topics in mind I was going to write about, but can't muster the energy or enthusiasm for them today. Which is often the story of my life. So I'll save the interesting stuff for later, and just write about how zapped I am today. At least I'll have a blog entry to show for it.

    I have good days. I was at a historical theme park most of the day Saturday with family and friends (I  have a real life mom friend now, wow) celebrating Canada's 150th anniversary. I did really well. And then yesterday and today I could do almost nothing. Putting a load of laundry in or picking up AJ's toys was a major effort. For every chore I contemplated doing, I contemplated just giving up and going to bed. Going to bed won at least half the time.

    I am sure part of this is physical but part of it is psychological too. It's hard to get excited about life when I am focused on merely existing (eat, sleep, not get sick). And then there's also the underlying pregnancy anxiety. It's not overwhelming at the moment, but it's there.  I'm not always scared but constantly managing it (and the tiredness and nausea) leaves me.....flat. I'm not really into anything.

    We also found out today that my sister in law (Mr. Turtle's brother's wife) is pregnant. She is due exactly a week after I am supposed to be. Hahahahahaha. I mean, this is good news. My BIL and SIL are lovely. Everybody wants them to have kids. I want them to have kids. They were married 4 years ago (3 years after us). I worried at first they would have kids before us, which I did resent, but they waited (voluntarily, as far as I can tell, and I have a good nose for these things). Even with all the fertility issues, we still had the first grandchild. And hey I'm pregnant again, against the odds, and currently no reason to believe it won't end well.  I have to admit the situation is kind of cute. It's something for Mr. Turtle and his brother to bond over, and I'm sure they will. Still. Part of me wants a belly buddy and part of me shrinks from the idea. I felt the same way when I was pregnant the first time and so coincidentally were many other bloggers I followed. You hope everything goes well for everyone but there's also that feeling of dread for what it will be like if one of the pregnancies ends sadly while the rest go smoothly.

    Anyway. SIL is across the continent so it's not like this will in my face all the time, though it will be an important part of our lives.  It's just rather ironic and it makes me both more aware of the shadows while pushing them away with whatever energy I have.

    The other thing I have to figure out is the best way to tell new mom friend I'm pregnant. She is older, needed fertility treatments to conceive her son, and had a loss last year at 19 weeks. I have to disclose at some point but I really want to do it in a way that is sensitive. We either text each other or see each other in person. I'm leaning towards texting but I'm traditional and cringe at disclosing something like that via text. I dunno. Maybe I'll try to think of an excuse to get her email. Email seems more dignified somehow.

    Maybe I'll figure it all out this week. Or maybe I'll just sleep a lot.

    Microblog Mondays

    Thursday 29 June 2017

    That's how it goes, and everybody knows

    (Pregnancy talked about, rather abstractly)

    I remember my first encounter with a school grapevine. I was 23, doing my first practicum at a junior high school. I mentioned  to ONE person that I'd taken harp lessons. The next day, two or three people separately asked me about my harp playing.

    I made a mental note: "Oh, so that's how things get done around here..."

    I'm not hugely opposed to gossip (if it mainly means spreading true information, not rumours or malicious statements). For one thing, as an introvert, I somewhat rely on people being more assertive than me in getting to know others. It's not a bad thing when people push at barriers to make sure people are cared for. In a school, it is important that teachers and all staff talk to each other about what they know about people because that's how wrap-around supports are built for students. And this particular junior high was a caring environment where I had good experiences and many students did too (of course there were also problems and mistakes made).

    But still. Whenever some government agency or whatever is in the news for not sharing information properly between its departments, I think that the staff should come hang out in a school 'cause we would show them how it's done.

    So, anyway, I think anybody that cares to know at my school knows I'm pregnant. I didn't really mean for that to happen. I'm not big on announcing things and I don't particularly want attention. I would have probably kept things mum till September if I could. But I went from being mostly normal to incapacitated with sickness in 24 hours. I told a couple of administrators and the people I work closely with that I was in the early weeks of pregnancy, because lying about it felt wrong and illogical. Most forms of GI upset get better quickly; it doesn't usually hang around for weeks and weeks and leave you incapable of working. I also didn't want people to worry that I was seriously ill with something awful. Plus they would start to being straightforward was the only good option in my view.

    I never told anyone "keep this a secret" because that seemed weird too. What am I trying to keep a secret? People would still notice things were not normal. And then asking people be dishonest with others on my behalf is also weird. Still, any time I talked about being pregnant I added that it was "early" and "fingers crossed" and what I thought were obvious hints that this was not an "announcement" but a disclosure of necessity. My conclusion: People either don't understand the difference, or they do understand but they don't think it's significant.

    Rather like the junior high of my practicum days, within a week of most five people?...all sorts with no direct connection to the situation were were congratulating me. Okay.

    The two ladies I work most closely with say they didn't tell anyone. And I believe them because the obvious people that could have known first didn't know. Or said they didn't. But many less obvious did. I dunno how it all went down. People could have guessed too. Shrug.

    What it amounts to is this: If everyone knows that I'm pregnant, they will also know if something goes wrong with the pregnancy. And I'm OK with that. I think. I can't say for sure of course. But I'm at a point in my life where I do not feel the need to pretend that everything always works out and human reproduction always goes smoothly.  The truth is, if you live long enough, some bad stuff is going to happen to you. Hopefully lots of good stuff too, but nobody lives a perfect life. I hope I get the happy ending of course.

    There are many positives to honesty, and thank goodness I work in an environment where I'm reasonably certain I will be supported and won't be discriminated against. Unfortunately that is probably not true for every work place.  My principal almost immediately started planning for next year and strategizing how she could support me. This is new. At my last school nothing was done until I'd formally submitted paperwork for my leave. Here, plans are already in place and another teacher is (informally?) attached to my class with the intention of taking over next year (rap wood). Part of me is of course going "is this getting a bit ahead of things?" especially since I haven't even had the 12 week scan. I'd seen a heartbeat when all these wheels started to turn but nothing else. The other part of me is impressed: I can see how advance planning benefits the school and students and I can't help wondering if it has something to do with having a female principal. She exhorted me to please let her know how I was feeling later in the summer because it would help with planning. Okay then.

    Everything looks fine with the pregnancy so far: I'm still tired and nauseous, with pretty good days and worse days. This is my last week of school thank God. I have no particular ambitions for the summer except to mosey along depending on how I feel. AJ will still be in full time care allowing me time to rest if that's what I need, but hopefully I can do some fun things with her too. Next U/S is July 21st which is when they do the screening tests such as nuchal translucency. So one day at a time remains a decent mantra.

    Saturday 24 June 2017


    Content warning: pregnancy, yucky symptoms, ultrasound (no pictures)

    I meant to update sooner, but my days don't necessarily go the way I expect.

    June 20th I went for my "official" early ultrasound, the one at 7-8 weeks. I had become anxious in the days leading up to it. I thought everything was probably fine, but doubt creeps in. Plus the day before I felt less ill than usual, so I wondered if the nausea was going away and what that might mean....yeah, that turned out to be a premature conclusion.

    The ultrasound was a good experience. I was greeted by a young woman who introduced herself as a student, which made my heart sink a little. I worried about being in a vulnerable position with a less skilled person, and in addition if there was a problem with my pregnancy, I worried about the experience traumatizing her....I just don't want to have that role in anyone's life. But as it turned out she was only observing, and the actual procedure was done by an experienced technician. As the older tech put the goop on my belly, she said she would do all the measurements and then show me the screen. I didn't say anything but "Okay," but she clearly sensed tension, because a few seconds later, she added: "I see the heartbeat. The baby is alive. You can relax now. You can breathe."  Phew. I appreciated the compassion.

    The student followed along on the screen. "Oooooh, that's so cute," she said. With the suspense over, I enjoyed her enthusiasm. The last early pregnancy scan she had seen was 6 weeks along, so she was impressed with how much more there is to see two weeks later. Since my last scan had also been done around 6 weeks, those comments were also reassuring.

    I saw the heartbeat again, and the blob of two weeks ago was replaced with a sort of double blob: the head and everything else. The yolk sac and umbilical cord were visible, and the forming placenta. The embryo measured 7 weeks 6 days,  which puts me at 8+3 as of this writing, and I now have a fetus.

    There was no need for an internal scan, and the whole procedure went promptly. I updated family and colleagues with a few texts. I then indulged myself by eating a hot dog and doing some shopping (the radiology clinic being located in a mall).

    So the good news is my pregnancy is progressing normally, as a far as I can tell. My name for the little one inside is "Sprite." I go for my first prenatal appointment early next week and I presume the next ultrasound will be scheduled for 11-12 weeks.

    The rest of my life is less normal. I continue to have a lot of nausea and fatigue. The severe vomiting hasn't come back, but I'm sick enough that most regular activities are not possible. I was off work for a full week and then went in a few mornings the past week, but I have not been able to make it through a full day. I have good days and bad days, and it's impossible to know which it's going to be, so the smart thing was to book a sub for the full day or afternoon and not be scrambling. I'm very lucky that I have a regular sub who knows my students well and really appreciated the work.

    In addition to the nausea, literally everything I eat or drink leaves a nasty taste in my mouth. I am going to start carrying mouthwash or minty gum everywhere. I also have a heightened sense of disgust in general, probably because of the nausea. When I feel crappy, anything touching my skin and anything I can see disgusts me, so I go through episodes of wanting to throw out all my clothes and half our stuff. Not a good time to go shopping or to introduce me to new exciting ideas, ha. Open mindedness at an all time low.

    Timing was not a consideration with this pregnancy, as we had no idea when or if we would actually get pregnant. It was roll the dice and hope for the best. If I could have had the luxury of timing it, I wouldn't have timed my second month for June when I have so much work to do. On the other hand, I am relieved, now, that I didn't get pregnant when AJ was younger. The fatigue and nausea means that Mr. Turtle is doing most parenting tasks, most days. Even with the full dose of Diclectin, there are a lot of hours/days when all I can do is lie in bed trying not to throw up. Grandparents have also stepped in many times, especially when Mr. Turtle had to study. I feel bad about not being an active parent. But it would have been much worse if AJ was younger and more dependent. Feeling like this with a small needy baby would be fresh hell.

    The queasiness/inactivity also affect my mood. My outlook tends to be tied to my energy level, so when my energy level drops my mood usually does too. It's frustrating and depressing to not be able to do the normal things I do for business or pleasure. You don't realize how much of your well being is tied to familiar routines till they're gone. I've coped with it by adjusting my expectations because that's all I can do. I tell myself that all my year end work will get done somehow, the important stuff anyway. I don't actually know at the beginning of the day how or if it's going to get done, but when I feel slightly better, I do what I can, and I let the extra stuff go.

    It all makes me wonder about the design of humans. If I was a wild animal, I would have been dead for a month probably. Some predator would have eaten me and AJ while I was puking under a tree. Or we would have starved. Human females and babies are terribly impractical and helpless compared to our mammal counterparts. It actually really sucks! Thank God for Mr. Turtle and everyone around me who is so supportive and helpful. I really appreciate my relationships and my place in a civilized society.

    Anyway, not to be negative; that's just where my mind goes when I'm constantly sick.  On the good side, I've heard a lot of podcasts and watched the Hobbit trilogy in entirety. That helped for a while. The only problem is now I associate them with being sick guessed it, they disgust me. I don't know if I should do things I enjoy for the next month or stick to things I don't particularly like.

    Yeah, you know. The miracle of life. It's wonderful. One day at a time.

    Wednesday 7 June 2017

    A rough few days, but everything looks good

    Content warning: pregnancy, symptoms, ultrasound (no photos)

    Monday morning I used my second Clearblue digital with weeks indicator. The one I took a week before had shown 2-3 weeks pregnant. Sure enough, this test showed 3+ weeks pregnant.

    I didn't have much time to feel happy about that before I started to feel nauseous. A little, then a lot. I ended up staying home and throwing up all morning. In the afternoon and evening, I was up and down. I felt well enough to do a few things, but anytime I tried to eat I would throw up again.

    Still, I seemed better overall so I thought I was managing it. Boy, was I wrong. I woke up at 2am Tuesday and dry heaved for 7 hours. It. Was. Horrible. I have sore pecs today from being on my hands and knees retching. Since I obviously wasn't coping well Tuesday morning, Mr. Turtle drove me to Urgent Care. They gave me fluids and Zofran by IV. The doctor felt obligated to tell me that one unpublished, unduplicated study had shown Zofran possibly linked to heart defects.  But the drug has been widely used for years, including on all 3 of her pregnancies, and no other evidence of harm was indicated. I opted for the Zofran. I may wake up at 3am one night and hate myself for this, but the way I was feeling, I thought I needed the big guns. Also, it was a one time use. The doctor gave me a half-dose to play it safe.

    The Zofran and IV fluids did help, and within a couple of hours I was feeling more like myself. I am deeply, wildly grateful for modern medicine and easy access at times like this. Although my condition was not immediately dangerous to me or my pregnancy, I cannot imagine living with that kind of nausea, never mind functioning in a normal way. And, I'm back on Diclectin, which does work very well for me. Again, ideally I'd like to not use any drugs, but everybody has a limit, and vomiting every 5 minutes for 7 hours is mine. I'm still home today, but well rested and starting to eat normally again.

    Because of the severity of the nausea, the Urgent Care doctor sent me for an ultrasound, to rule out molar pregnancy or multiples. I had the feeling things were fine, but it was a little nerve wracking since it brought to mind the series of inconclusive early ultrasounds I had when pregnant with AJ.  I went in today and was lucky to have a very nice, very skilled tech. She saw one sac, ruling out molar (huge sigh of relief). Nothing else showed up externally, so we did internal. She took quite a long time looking at things, so I nervously amused myself by checking out her facial expressions every few minutes. She looked relaxed, focused and intrigued, so I chose not to ask questions.

    Eventually, she turned the screen toward me.  One the screen she showed me a sac, a tiny fetal pole inside, and - wonders! - a little flicker of a heartbeat. The image was very clear and I could see everything she pointed out. She said it was challenging to measure the heartbeat but she recorded it twice at 120bpm. There was definitely only one embryo, no twins. This is a relief since if I was going to have twins, I'm pretty sure they would be identical. I cannot imagine myself ovulating two good eggs. And identical twins are more likely to have complications. So this was good news, all around. She dated the embryo at 5 weeks, 6 days which sounds exactly right.

    So, on one hand it hasn't been the greatest of weeks, but at least we got some reassurance that things are progressing well so far. I'm still crossing my fingers for a smoother run the rest of the month.

    Tuesday 30 May 2017

    A possible happy ending? (CW)

    (Content warning: If you are not in a good place to read about possible - not guaranteed - reproductive success, then feel no obligation to continue reading. You know I won't judge.)

    So. The blossoming of spring this May has brought a small, cosmic surprise.

    I started an average unassisted cycle on April 30th. Fertile signs appeared between days 9-11, with positive OPKs on days 10 through 12. Gamblers that we are, we placed our bets on days 7, 9, and 11. My BBT rose and fell between days 9 and 11 then started a slow rise. I stopped temping on day 17, as I find it makes me anxious and interferes with my sleep. After 6 years of this business, I figure I would know the outcome of the cycle eventually, without the daily data logging. (I may eventually put up a page with more details about the cycle.)

    By day 27 (a Friday), I thought I was late enough that I could justify buying a pregnancy test. I can't even remember the last time I bought one, before last week. I told myself that if I didn't need it this time around, I would maybe use it when we did IUI. Saturday went by and I didn't use it. Sunday, day 29, I woke up at 5 and decided to take my temperature. My BBT was 36.77C. Highest temperature after ovulation is usually around 36.65C, and it never stays that high so close to the end of cycle. I took a deep breath and decided to test.

    The test went almost immediately positive. I gasped, cried a bit, and mumbled a few incoherent things. I said "Thank you God." I had to thank someone. Before testing I thought I might let Mr. Turtle sleep in and tell him the results later, but that was so not happening in that moment.

    I remember Mr. Turtle asking "Are you surprised?" I said "Yes!" "Why?" he asked. "We've been trying."

    "Well yes....for a very long time!"

    What does "a long time" mean at such a moment? I don't know. Time seems to stop, and bend, and speed up, all at once.

    I tested again Monday with Clearblue digital, the fancy one. It showed 2-3 weeks pregnant, which sounds just right.

    We haven't told anyone. (Except my doctor, and the blog community, now). I told Mr. Turtle I would rather we didn't change any plans with The Fertility Clinic just yet, because it makes me feel sort of better to have a plan B.

    It doesn't feel quite real yet, that I am pregnant. I had a very vivid dream about my dad, right before waking up on Sunday, and in a way that felt more real than the positive pregnancy test.  At the same time, the unchanged details and routines of my daily life also have an aura of unreality.  It's like I got a ticket into another life, which looks the same as the life I was leading before the weekend, but it isn't.

    So far, at least, I am calmer than the last time around. I don't feel completely blindsided by fate and out of control. I'm able to be more self-aware and mindful. It helps that I haven't had any disturbing symptoms. No bleeding (fingers crossed so many ways that that doesn't happen again.) I had very faint spotting on day 24 which was probably implantation bleeding, but it completely stopped after a day.

    The anxiety is not overwhelming, not yet. I think I understand it better, too. I have both an exaggerated sense of responsibility and an exaggerated sense of (potential) victimhood. You would think they would cancel each other out, but no, they feed off each other in some perverse way. Basically, I have a belief that in order to have a live healthy child, I must 1) do everything absolutely right and 2) nothing bad or even slightly bad should ever happen to me. The anxiety comes from knowing that's impossible: I am going to make a mistake at some point (eat a turkey sandwich, or dip a cucumber in a  spread that's been out longer than half an hour) and something "bad" will happen to me (a weird cramp, a flu bug, some differently coloured discharge....hopefully nothing worse.). So I can become terribly anxious waiting for this mistake and waiting for the bad luck.  The best thing is to be open with people and accept support and try to recognize the crazy thoughts when they happen, before they take over my head.

    I had my first doctor appointment today. I will do regular bloodwork to check for antibodies etc (no betas). They did another urine test to confirm, which looked "strongly positive." It wasn't anything \I didn't already know but still it was nice to hear the words "strong" and "positive." Thankfully, my doctor did schedule an early ultrasound for me, at 7 weeks (June 20). It's not TOO far away so I hope and pray that nothing unexpected or nasty happens in the meantime. Strong and positive, right?

    Here we go.

    Thursday 25 May 2017

    A slightly more hopeful appointment

    Mr. Turtle and I went back to The Fertility Clinic yesterday to follow up his latest semen analysis. It was a windy, rainy, stormy day (free car wash).

    Dr. Cotter bounded in, seeming rather more cheerful than usual. She engaged in chit chat about the weather, and commented how the hill across the street was covered in goats the previous day. Our city has a program where goats are used in some areas to keep grass cropped. Mr. Turtle talked easily to her, while I watched her mood, wondering if the merry attitude was a set up for more depressing news.

    Not quite.

    Mr. Turtle's latest semen analysis (a couple of months ago) showed much improved numbers and motility. Not fantastic: but at least approaching the sorts of numbers needed to contemplate further treatments. "You could do IVF with these numbers, or donor egg IVF," Dr. Cotter breezed. (Further IVF would still be affected by my diminished ovarian reserve, of course.). Chances of unassisted conception are still considered unlikely. I asked about IUI. Dr. Cotter said the numbers are still not quite good enough to start IUI now, but to test again next month and if they continue to improve, then we can try it. She commented that I had "stopped ovulating," with reference to my last cycle on Clomid. However, I told her that I'm pretty confident I do ovulate, even without Clomid, because I get positive OPKs and I detect a BBT rise quite often. I would hazard a guess that I ovulate 70% of the time. With the new information, Dr. Cotter was confident enough that she gave me the paperwork for IUI with Clomid. Assuming that Mr. Turtle's sperm continue to be healthy, we have some options. June would be the earliest we start any further treatments.

    Dr. Cotter also told me that the company that makes Clomid is taking it off the market in a few months, for unknown reasons. Even the drug reps do not know why. Letrazole will be prescribed instead. She implied that reason is because Letrazole is much more expensive (i.e. the drug company will make more money). So hopefully we can try IUI with Clomid while it is available, and if it doesn't work, maybe we can try Letrazole.

    It says something about where we are at in this process that even the possibility of another treatment option seems so encouraging. Perhaps it is just the excitement of a gambler when the stakes are increased. But Mr. Turtle and I have talked about our choices, and we agree that we would like to attempt what we can with our own genetic material, even if the chances are not great. I have a lot of complicated thoughts and feelings about donor egg IVF, and I do not think they will ever be resolved. Basically, I have always wanted DEIVF to be the plan B we never have to use. I don't want to take the option away, because that has a finality that is hard to accept. But I don't actually want to do it, either. At this point, the best option for us is to try whatever else increases our chances, even moderately.

    On a somewhat related topic, I recently discovered that the mom I got to know at AJ's daycare (I tell the story in this entry) is also an IFfer. We had been tentatively getting to know each other and having this other piece in common makes me even happier to know her and her son. I've felt lately (for the past couple of years?) that it's hard to find the people, the knowledge, the insights that I really need. What worked for me previously doesn't quite work now.  A lot of things in my life are going great. Still, I feel the chaos of the unknown is close to my little bubble, and I'm not terribly confident I am able to face it and make sense of it, to be honest.

    But maybe, just maybe, I'm finding my courage and meaning. It's heartening to contemplate renewal, and to wake up my mind and spirit and find out what's truly out there.

    Monday 8 May 2017

    #Microblog Mondays: Bigger Picture

    Continuing on with the "what would it be like to stop TTC" thoughts. (The bookend to this is "what would it be like to try DE IVF" but that one's big and weird and has to cook for a bit longer....)

    When I think about possibly ceasing to actively TTC, one of the more uncomfortable emotional areas is "what would this mean for my career?" Or more broadly, how would I conceptualize the Rest of My Life without TTC diverting a ton of emotional energy, time, and mental space. (Because it does, oh it does.)

    Four years ago I wrote a blog entry about how weird it felt to consider work goals when the future held uncertainty about how our family would look, what it might take to get there and how this would affect us. "Next year will not be a good time to...."  In the intervening years, what I wrote about there has remained basically true. Obviously, some things have changed, but what hasn't changed is that I don't feel inclined to commit to anything very ambitious at work while we are actively trying to grow our family. I have a goal for my class every year; I get involved in some different extra curricular activities, but I haven't seriously considered a major change like teaching a different program, getting my masters, changing jobs, etc. (I did change jobs two years ago but that was not by choice. It's not the same.)  But as the years have gone by I admit that has become less of a conscious decision, and more something I've accepted. Partly that's because I don't like angst any more than the average person (maybe less) so if the status quo is OK, fine and good. But part of it has maybe become avoidance. Because when I think about not trying to conceive any longer, and the fact that that means I could reassess my career, I feel....rather nervous.

    Contemplating life with one child, same result. I have sort of an expectation that if we have a second child, I would not continue working full time. In other words, it would be a major career interruption. I don't know if that's true or not, but I'm aware of my limits and I recognize that full time teaching with two young children just might not be doable. And in theory at least I'm OK with that sacrifice. So why put a lot of energy into developing a career I might take a break from anyway? But on the other hand, working and parenting one child is so far not too overwhelming, which maybe means....I could do more? Should I do more? Should I actually think about what I want?

    Hmmmmm. Here I go, actually trying to think about things.

    Microblog Mondays

    Monday 1 May 2017

    Microblog Mondays: Subterranean messages

    I discovered Dr. Jordan Peterson this weekend. I started watching his lecture on Maps of Meaning: Story and Meta Story and was riveted. As in, "I can't believe I am suddenly understanding how my brain works!" I do somewhat understand how my brain works, in general and in particular, but this lecture took it to a new level, for me.

    From the blurb:

    "In this lecture, I discuss how the basic or archetypal categories we use to frame the world are represented in image, where they existed long before their nature could be articulated. These categories include the individual (hero/adversary), culture (wise king/tyrant), and nature (destruction/creation). The heroic individual (the knower) is typically masculine, as is culture (the known), while the unknown is feminine. These categories can be conceptualized, as well, as explorer, explored territory, and unexplored territory. The most abstract category is the dragon of chaos, the monster who guards what is most valuable. It is from this most primordial of categories that the other three emerge. Our existence as prey and predator is reflected in the ambivalent representation of the absolute unknown."

    Yes, it's two hours long. I should add that watching video of people talk is not one of my favourite things to do. I have never been into Ted Talks or similar things because I simply do not enjoy sitting through a video listening. I can read several times faster than anyone can or should talk, and hence I process the same message / information in a fraction of the time by reading as by listening. I see no reason why I shouldn't read or why people shouldn't bother to write an article if something is important to communicate.  For me to take even two minutes to watch a video, it has to be something really special or entertaining. Dr. Jordan Peterson is. And I absolutely will find 2 hours to hear this full lecture, although not all at once (I'm about an hour in at present).

    One of the most relevant messages from the first hour is how our brains learn to ignore the vast majority of stimuli: Dr. Peterson says 99%. (And I thought it was just me! Ha!) Our sense of safety and sanity is mostly based on the belief that the 99% of stimuli are unimportant to survival. A crisis or trauma is an unexpected event that challenges that belief. It is like a monster (imagine the shark from Jaws) emerging from the depths of the unknown and disrupting/shattering our comfortable world. Suddenly, we start to wonder if we were wrong to ignore all the 99%. We start trying to pay attention to everything, to figure out the important thing that we missed, and that puts a lot of stress on the mind and body. Depending on the circumstances, and how the person frames their experience and reality, the experience can be mildly disturbing to completely life shattering. If it goes on for a prolonged time, brain structure may be permanently altered.

    Do you think this sounded familiar? Heck yeah!

    It feels relevant to my emotional sinkholes. To my infertility and pregnancy trauma. To the current conflicted feelings around further fertility treatments. I was in the middle of a post on that, and on my frames and beliefs, but it will probably wait until I've watched the entire lecture and my thoughts may change after watching it (or I may understand them better).

    I think the lecture is speaking to me on a deep level already, because I've had some weird and arresting messages come up in my dreams. I won't be a dream bore here, also I'm trying to keep my posts short, but maybe I'll write about it in a follow up later this week.

    Microblog Mondays