(Content warning: If you are not in a good place to read about possible - not guaranteed - reproductive success, then feel no obligation to continue reading. You know I won't judge.)
So. The blossoming of spring this May has brought a small, cosmic surprise.
I started an average unassisted cycle on April 30th. Fertile signs appeared between days 9-11, with positive OPKs on days 10 through 12. Gamblers that we are, we placed our bets on days 7, 9, and 11. My BBT rose and fell between days 9 and 11 then started a slow rise. I stopped temping on day 17, as I find it makes me anxious and interferes with my sleep. After 6 years of this business, I figure I would know the outcome of the cycle eventually, without the daily data logging. (I may eventually put up a page with more details about the cycle.)
By day 27 (a Friday), I thought I was late enough that I could justify buying a pregnancy test. I can't even remember the last time I bought one, before last week. I told myself that if I didn't need it this time around, I would maybe use it when we did IUI. Saturday went by and I didn't use it. Sunday, day 29, I woke up at 5 and decided to take my temperature. My BBT was 36.77C. Highest temperature after ovulation is usually around 36.65C, and it never stays that high so close to the end of cycle. I took a deep breath and decided to test.
The test went almost immediately positive. I gasped, cried a bit, and mumbled a few incoherent things. I said "Thank you God." I had to thank someone. Before testing I thought I might let Mr. Turtle sleep in and tell him the results later, but that was so not happening in that moment.
I remember Mr. Turtle asking "Are you surprised?" I said "Yes!" "Why?" he asked. "We've been trying."
"Well yes....for a very long time!"
What does "a long time" mean at such a moment? I don't know. Time seems to stop, and bend, and speed up, all at once.
I tested again Monday with Clearblue digital, the fancy one. It showed 2-3 weeks pregnant, which sounds just right.
We haven't told anyone. (Except my doctor, and the blog community, now). I told Mr. Turtle I would rather we didn't change any plans with The Fertility Clinic just yet, because it makes me feel sort of better to have a plan B.
It doesn't feel quite real yet, that I am pregnant. I had a very vivid dream about my dad, right before waking up on Sunday, and in a way that felt more real than the positive pregnancy test. At the same time, the unchanged details and routines of my daily life also have an aura of unreality. It's like I got a ticket into another life, which looks the same as the life I was leading before the weekend, but it isn't.
So far, at least, I am calmer than the last time around. I don't feel completely blindsided by fate and out of control. I'm able to be more self-aware and mindful. It helps that I haven't had any disturbing symptoms. No bleeding (fingers crossed so many ways that that doesn't happen again.) I had very faint spotting on day 24 which was probably implantation bleeding, but it completely stopped after a day.
The anxiety is not overwhelming, not yet. I think I understand it better, too. I have both an exaggerated sense of responsibility and an exaggerated sense of (potential) victimhood. You would think they would cancel each other out, but no, they feed off each other in some perverse way. Basically, I have a belief that in order to have a live healthy child, I must 1) do everything absolutely right and 2) nothing bad or even slightly bad should ever happen to me. The anxiety comes from knowing that's impossible: I am going to make a mistake at some point (eat a turkey sandwich, or dip a cucumber in a spread that's been out longer than half an hour) and something "bad" will happen to me (a weird cramp, a flu bug, some differently coloured discharge....hopefully nothing worse.). So I can become terribly anxious waiting for this mistake and waiting for the bad luck. The best thing is to be open with people and accept support and try to recognize the crazy thoughts when they happen, before they take over my head.
I had my first doctor appointment today. I will do regular bloodwork to check for antibodies etc (no betas). They did another urine test to confirm, which looked "strongly positive." It wasn't anything \I didn't already know but still it was nice to hear the words "strong" and "positive." Thankfully, my doctor did schedule an early ultrasound for me, at 7 weeks (June 20). It's not TOO far away so I hope and pray that nothing unexpected or nasty happens in the meantime. Strong and positive, right?
Here we go.