Sunday, 10 November 2019
Another milestone
Sunday, 3 November 2019
Maximum responsibility revisited
The answer is not particularly smoothly. I have certainly been pushed to the limit the past few weeks. I won't go through it all, but I'm still at my job, and it's been about a month since the first time I seriously questioned if I was losing it and had made the wrong decision. The family is well. AJ has the "best day ever" at kindergarten, like, every day. Dani seems to have adjusted to daycare and just graduated to the toddler room. I have counseling and mental health through work and I'm using it.
A few snapshot details:
- During my first appointment with my counselor, I said at one point: "I feel like I've been through this before....like it's my old demons all over again" (words to that effect.) I meant it felt like other times in my life where anxiety led to feelings of overwhelm and depression. But she asked me to clarify and then went through the oh, 5 or 6 major stressors I'd told her about and said "Actually, it sounds like you are dealing with A LOT you've never dealt with before. There is a lot of new stuff." Oh. Yes. She is right. Admitting that took a lot of angst and self-blame off, oddly enough.
- I'm working hard at coming out of my shell and talking through the various challenges with colleagues and other people to turn them into things we can deal with, not a dozen problems that I can't solve on my own before the next dozen hit. It's an ongoing process. But when I manage this I feel more optimistic and clear in my head.
- I saw the doctor earlier this month because I was overtired and anxious and had most of the depression symptoms. And because I was waking up hot and with racing heart and hadn't had a period since July. He gave me a few days off work, directed me to counseling, and took some bloodwork. The results were fine, but my FSH levels (over 100) confirm early menopause. (I turn 40 in December). So yeeeeeeaaaaah....there's that. Even more thankful for our two miracle kids. I don't know how I feel about this. I haven't really processed it. It's not a surprise: fertility doctor told me I was in periomenopause at age 33 after all. And we weren't planning on having any more children so it's not the devastating news it would have been three years ago. Still, knowing that early menopause is likely is different from it happening in real time. I did recently have something resembling a period finally (very light though) so I'm not in full menopause yet.....but there's little doubt in my mind I'm leaving my (semi) fertile years permanently behind. This blog had documented many beginnings and endings....and here's another one.
- One bright side: Remember all the anxiety I had about planning birthday parties in previous years? (Well I do.) I totally am not stressed about AJ's 5th birthday party. (Coming up next weekend). I'm cool with it: I hired a facility, personally designed the invitations, hunted down RSVP's more or less successfully, found deals on goodie bag junk....so not stressed (so far). AJ is very much into art the past few months. She wants to be an artist. (I can't help telling her it's totally OK to have a job on the side, too.) I found a arts centre that would do a party based on visual art, clay or dance. I expected her to pick a project....but she opted for a dance class party. With a unicorn theme. So that's what we are doing. She and her guests get a unicorn themed dance party. We bring the cake and food and other stuff. Sounds awesome. And I'm glad that money I'm spending is supporting artists in our community....I think we could do worse.
Anyway, I have finished my work assignment for the day and have the rest of the weekend to enjoy, so I am going to go enjoy my imperfect, complicated, often hard to deal with but still precious life. And I wish the same for anyone reading.
Tuesday, 27 August 2019
The day before
Friday, 16 August 2019
Maximum responsibility
- I helped my mom at the bank when she was targeted by a scammer. (She didn’t lose any money). Worked with very helpful bank staff to put in place protections. Communicated successfully with my brothers so they can help too.
- Did some fun back to school shopping with my daughters and my mom cane along to help as well. Ok it’s not always fun to shop with my almost five year old VERY opinionated daughter but it all turned out well.
- Had a play date with my good friend at a community event, then took care of her son for an afternoon while she took her mom to an appointment for cancer diagnosis (I know, nothing gets simpler and easier. But the kids and I had fun.)
- I managed to make a pot of soup for a former colleague who had foot surgery.
- Something about August makes me want to bake. Latest was a cake pan of blueberry lemon bars. It happened to be a day I was doing a lot of errands and appointments so I divvied them up and left a few with every person I saw. This made me happy.
- Went to an appointment with my mom, a social worker and occupational therapist (still need to write that one up). Saw a lawyer to update her will and other documents, then helped her but a bathing suit and we went swimming with the kids.
- Washed and organized all my work clothes so I don’t have to think about them the last week of vacation (which Mr Turtle also has off) except to feel good about how on top of things I am.
Tuesday, 30 July 2019
Dani @ 18 months
Also Man’s Search for Meaning by Victor Frankl. I am not kidding. She flips through it entranced, gives it stroller rides, and if I put it on a high shelf will risk life and limb to recapture it.
We don’t need no light summer reading.
- Playing in the sprinkler (gets soaking wet and totally ok with it)
- Swinging (she throws back her head and says “wheeee, wheeee”)
- Throwing and kicking a ball (bouncy balls send her into fits of giggling glee)
- Picking up sticks. Anything outside really, but bonus if sticks are available.
- Picking up tiny treasures (child proofing with a second child is very hit and miss....and we were hit and miss even with AJ. Luckily Dani doesn’t put things in her mouth much anymore.)
- Putting on necklaces and bracelets or anything that can reasonably pass as such.
- Baths (she has started grabbing the bath mat and bringing it to me saying "Bath!"
- Trying on shoes. Hers, sister’s, mom’s.
Building a campfire?
- Noodles (“noo-no’s)
- Everything is second to noodles but also fruit, cheese, crackers, cookies. Dani will eat most foods including meats. Not showing much pickiness yet.
- Feeds herself mostly successfully with spoon and fingers
- Drinks from a straw cup and open cup sometimes
- Balls
- Sticks and brooms
- Stuffies, especially her blue dinosaur, blue dolphins (hmmm she might like blue), her shaggy Duke the dog toy, shaggy mammoth toy adopted from AJ, and her blob kitty toys, still. Dani likes matching pairs of toys which kind of defeats my purpose when I buy two of things for the girls so they don’t fight over them.
- Toy stroller she can push things in at breakneck speed
- Musical toys such as harmonica, recorder, whistle, kazoo (she can make noises on all of them)
- Sidewalk chalk
- Anything big sister is playing with, of course. Bonus if it’s totally inappropriate for a toddler, like hundreds of tiny beads
Curlers will recognize the victory pose.
- Big sister AJ. They still have a mostly sweet and affectionate relationship. Sometimes there is friction but AJ is generally tender and sensitive to Dani. I can easily redirect any misunderstandings so far. Dani often wakes up a bit cranky but turns to all smiles when she sees AJ.
- Dani’s favourite comfort object is a very soft dress of AJ’s she calls “Mama.” Luckily AJ is ok with this: it used to be a favourite dress but it’s too hot to wear it now; also it’s getting too small. She does have a bigger version she can wear next fall. I used to joke that I was interchangeable with the dress but in the past few weeks Dani has started calling me “mommy”. So I have my own title now and I love it.
- Dani is developing more of a relationship with Mr Turtle. She goes running to him calling “Daaaaaaad” in a very sweet way. I do think AJ is a bit defensive of her special relationship with dad however. Understandably so. Luckily Mr Turtle is also very sensitive to these things.
- Dani tries to sing along to songs and she’s really kinda good. AJ was off key or monotone until she took some music lessons, but even though Dani can’t say words, she sings some notes.
- Lots of words, imitating constantly. Still calls most animals “kitty” but does many animal sounds. I think she actually might be starting to play the kitty thing for laughs. (“I know what it is but if I call it kitty they will all giggle.”)
- Starting to show clothing preferences. Mostly for fluffy dresses.
Friday, 28 June 2019
Expansion
Wednesday, 8 May 2019
Dani 15 months, AJ four years, life now
We are enjoying life in the spring. Lots of time outside. I have applied to go back to work full time in September (I am on an extended leave). I think about it a lot but so far not with too much anxiety, just nervous about how busy it will be. I don’t know for sure if I will go back to the same job, but haven’t heard otherwise.
Thursday, 4 April 2019
Infertile filters
We can BEARly contain our excitement!

As valued members, we wanted to bring you this exciting news first!
Adult female panda, Er Shun, was artificially inseminated yesterday as part of a planned collaborative breeding program! Pandas only ovulate for up to three days out of the year, making breeding for this vulnerable species extremely tricky.
In mid-March, Er Shun entered her breeding cycle and the animal care team had been monitoring her hormone levels daily, waiting for the precise time to artificially inseminate her with the help of a specialist from China. The success of the procedure will be confirmed by ultrasound and could take several weeks since pandas experience embryonic diapause – delayed implantation in the uterus. Er Shun is being cared for by a comprehensive team in her custom den in Panda Passage’s back of house area. (there’s a video of the procedure if you are curious).
First thought: Why are you sharing this she hadn’t even taken a pregnancy test!
Oh right it’s a panda bear, moving on.....
Best of luck to Er Shun and all involved.
Tuesday, 26 March 2019
Dani at one (plus)
Walking while holding one hand...she totally can walk on her own but won't make up her mind to just go for it yet.
Insanely contagious and hilarious giggles.
We had Dani's birthday party back in February. We put it off twice due to the family being sick. It happened eventually. I'm late with updates because....well second child; I didn't take any photos myself, and uh, second child.
Cake time! |
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On her actual first birthday. Going out for ice cream |
I probably won't be updating the blog much anymore. The focus of my emotional and intellectual energy, and my online activities and interests, has moved elsewhere. But this seems like a nice way to round out my record of the last 6 years. Perhaps I'll drop by occasionally with memories and observations.