Monday, 6 April 2015
Some things fade, others get brighter
It has occurred to me over the past few weeks that my memories of pregnancy and birth are slowly fading.
I don't mean they are gone from my memory, exactly, though I'm sure some of the less vivid parts are. But they are no longer so relevant to the present reality.
Most of the reason has to be AJ herself. Each day she seems a little more human, a little more an individual, more animated, more an agent in her environment. To see her as the artifact of a process, to objectify her that way, is harder and harder to do. It's not about the past; it's about who she is now.
I do think about "a year ago" and what has changed. (Now that I'm past January and February, most of the "bad" memories are past too, so I don't mind looking back.) Yesterday we had Easter dinner with my parents and half the in-laws. Sitting around the table eating, everyone oohing and awing and fussing over AJ (my poor single BIL) , me explaining baby-led feeding, and then Step-MIL giving AJ a carrot which she popped into her mouth (she sucked off a small portion, moved it around her mouth and spat it out).....well, as I sat there I thought: How nice if I could get a picture of all this, time travel back to the past and hand it to me of a year ago.
But I can't, of course, so I'll just keep enjoying the present, and looking forward to the future.
What is awesome about today: Going for a walk in the spring snow, with AJ and me bundled up. Procrastinating by checking out fashion tips. Practicing music.