Monday 6 April 2015

Some things fade, others get brighter



It has occurred to me over the past few weeks that my memories of pregnancy and birth are slowly fading.

I don't mean they are gone from my memory, exactly, though I'm sure some of the less vivid parts are. But they are no longer so relevant to the present reality.

Most of the reason has to be AJ herself. Each day she seems a little more human, a little more an individual, more animated, more an agent in her environment. To see her as the artifact of a process, to objectify her that way, is harder and harder to do. It's not about the past; it's about who she is now.

I do think about "a year ago" and what has changed. (Now that I'm past January and February, most of the "bad" memories are past too, so I don't mind looking back.)  Yesterday we had Easter dinner with my parents and half the in-laws. Sitting around the table eating, everyone oohing and awing and fussing over AJ (my poor single BIL) , me explaining baby-led feeding, and then Step-MIL giving AJ a carrot which she popped into her mouth (she sucked off a small portion, moved it around her mouth and spat it out).....well, as I sat there I thought: How nice if I could get a picture of all this, time travel back to the past and hand it to me of a year ago.

But I can't, of course, so I'll just keep enjoying the present, and looking forward to the future.

What is awesome about today: Going for a walk in the spring snow, with AJ and me bundled up. Procrastinating by checking out fashion tips. Practicing music.


Microblog Mondays

18 comments:

  1. I always daydream about being able to take a snapshot of something and show the me of a couple years ago. Would have made things a lot different that's for sure.

    So glad you are enjoying the weather (& of course AJ as well)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know. It's not so much that I would have done anything differently, but I would have *felt* better about it. And maybe not worried so much about little things. The weather was much better outside than inside looking out! it's almost always a good idea to get out of the house.

      Delete
  2. Beautifully put. More so than my son, I'm taken by surprise sometimes by the fact that my daughter has become a real person. But what a fabulous gift, that simply keeps unwrapping itself. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. that's such a great way to put it: a gift that keeps unwrapping itself. <3

      Delete
  3. Beautiful. It was posts like this that I pored over when we were trying, willing myself to believe I could get there, too. I hope someone in the trenches finds this and get hope is buoyed, too.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. thanks. When you're waiting for an outcome, time can feel so very long and such a burden. It's hard to imagine how it could one day feel so precious.

      Delete
  4. I feel the same way. The Beats will turn 2 yrs this summer and it floors me to think that it's been two years since pregnancy and 3 years since being in the trenches. I'll never forget, but I'm finding that my two miracles are helping me heal.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, the past doesn't go away, but it can come more, well, the past. So glad that you are experiencing peace and healing with your family!

      Delete
  5. That is the hardest part when you're in the moment: not knowing what the future looks like.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. yes, exactly. And we NEVER know the future, but that uncertainty is a heck of a lot easier when you are happy with the present, or at least mostly happy.

      Delete
  6. Very nice. I wish I could take a snapshot of my life now, and show myself when I was "in the trenches" or just at the end of my journey. You've got me thinking about a post.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. yes, I like to write these posts because even though I can't actually talk to my past self, the thought of these posts co-existing with the record of what happened previously feels right. It's another reason that I want to continue the blog: I want it to tell the whole story.

      Delete
  7. What a lovely idea! Beautiful post!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. thanks :-) hope you have a beautiful day too!

      Delete
  8. I think if I could go back in time and show myself what's happening now I wouldn't even believe myself, lol! Time is such a bitch...sometimes sooooo slow and sometimes so fast! I feel like the last 8 months have just flown by so quickly it takes my breath away. I just got a photo book I ordered of my birth photos, the non graphic ones at least! I have enjoyed having the pictures so easily accessible for me to look at and reminisce.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That is so true! Photos books are awesome. I plan to make one for AJ's first birthday. I look at photos on my computer often.

      Delete
  9. I love time-traveling. Sometimes, like you here, I find it so victorious, like "look what I lived through."

    Other times, like getting ready for a high school reunion, I think more defeatist, "Thank goodness none of us knew all that we were in for back then. It would have been way to much to bear."

    I guess there's a victory in that, too, in that we DID bear it all.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I admire you for going to a high school reunion....I do not think I would ever want to! Memory is a strange thing....one can feel so many ways about the same memory depending on the perspective.

      Delete