My second beta came back at 11506. (from 7000 on Friday). The doctor said that was a good number as my doubling time is supposed to be 96 hours with a beta over 6000.
The doctor I saw today at Urgent care was very nice and managed to spend quite a bit of time with us, talked to me at length, really gave the impression he cared.
There is no guarantee everything is fine or will be fine - there's still that ambiguous U/S. But the doctor did not think it sounded like my body was trying to expel something. He said the bleeding has to be coming from between placenta and uterine wall but that the body is very resilient and will make new vascular connection.
Also when looked at rationally (very difficult to do) the bleeding has not been very heavy - certainly heavier than spotting, but not enough to soak a pad and it is not constant. I admit to going into panic mode when I see the blood and assuming the worst.
So - everyone just says wait and see. Again, no guarantees but as of yet no need to assume it is over.
I could have blighted ovum - because I can still be pregnant and but have no embryo - and the worst part is it can continue like normal pregnancy for weeks and weeks. The awful ironic horridness of it. I know lots of people have lived through this but I feel like it could be the undoing of me. I have another U/S scheduled for Wednesday. I scheduled this one before the bleeding and everything that happened over the weekend. I'm not sure if I should go to it or not since it is just a few days after Saturday's, but I'm leaning toward going because who knows, maybe it can confirm what the other one didn't. Although I'm not drinking 1.5 litres of water again; I refuse to put myself through that again. They can use the damned dildo cam.
I am sorry if I've offended anyone by coming across as a drama queen - that is not my intention and the fear and grief I felt in the past few days, and could feel again are very real. But if I did just call me an ass.
Another thing I've learned in the past few days: I can limit my happiness, but I can't limit my grief. Even before this weekend I didn't let myself feel unreserved happiness about this pregnancy. That doesn't make it the slightest bit easier now that it's threatened. The grief I feel when I fear it might have ended/be ending, is in no way equivalent to the cautious hope and happiness I allowed myself to feel. It comes like a tsunami that flings every defense and everything I thought I knew away like the rubbish it is. And I have to face it and know it for what it is because it is real.
At the same time in the next few days I suppose I will try to achieve some kind of normal - hard to imagine how that is possible. I do feel stronger today and like I can do something besides lie in bed. This could in part be because I ate a real meal last night for the first time since lunchtime on Friday. After we were done at the clinic I told Mr. Turtle I really wanted fried chicken so he indulged me and we ate greasy salty fatty delicious friend chicken in front of the TV. It was the one moment of brightness in the past few days.
How do I go on not knowing if this pregnancy is real, or not, or going to make it, or not, and still be half normal? I don't know.