I almost can't believe it. But yes. Happy.
January is usually my least favourite month of the year. The fuss and fluff of Christmas is over, but the normal routines of life take two or three weeks to become established again. In the meantime I'm at loose ends. It's cold and dark a lot of the time. Also, school is extra stressful because the semester is ending, and there is a period of nearly 3 weeks when the students' schedules are completely different, and I have to do extra planning to make the days go by, as well as deal with semester-end details. But this year I'm not worried. I've decided that since we are doing IVF, I don't have the emotional energy to get into a dither of anxiety over school stuff, so I'm not going to. I'm going to trust my team, and myself and my plans, and everything is going to be fine.
I was in Michigan with Mr. Turtle for 5 days, which were great for obvious reasons, and difficult for less obvious ones. It was great to spend time with the in-laws, exchange gifts, walk in the snow, play games, and eat MIL's amazing cooking. But at night I kept having the kind of frustrating dreams where I do a task over and over again, because I can never seem to get it right, or I forget how to finish it at the crucial time. Or I was trying to go on a trip somewhere, but I kept forgetting something. In one dream I couldn't get on the train because I forgot my shoes. I woke up resolved that if I ever get into such a situation in real life, I will get on the damn train in my socks!
My BIL and SIL arrived at the house on my birthday, which is December 26th (yah, happy 34th birthday to me). BIL and SIL were married last spring and are adorable. But for quite a few months, I worried that they were going to announce that she was pregnant on my birthday. It's perfectly OK for them to have a baby, of course, but I really really didn't want to hear about it on my B-I-R-T-H-D-A-Y. SIL fortunately laid my fears to rest by cracking open a beer almost as soon as she walked in the door.
During the quieter times of the day and night I found myself feeling heavy. Not only because of the yummy food. I felt like I had a hollow empty space right at my center, and every day a drop of something liquid and weighty would fall into it, like a big dollop of cement. I could dance the heavy thing outside; I could take it to the park; I could laugh and shake it about; but it was mine to carry and it never went away. The other feeling was that the future was a huge empty pit that I was about to fall into, and it went down and down and down and the bottom was nowhere in sight. But then one afternoon, the heavy thing went away. I felt surprised and filled with a kind of grace.
Leaving for Canada was stressful though. Can I say I hate when airlines oversell their seats, especially around the holidays? Why on earth do they do that when there are so many people travelling? Because my flight was changed only a couple of weeks ago to accommodate my ultrasound appointment, I had no assigned seat. Leaving Detroit, it seemed like every flight in the terminal was oversold, including mine. So I spent several hours wondering if I would be able to get onto my plane. I decided that if they tried to bump me off the flight, I was going to throw a royal tantrum. I would be loud and crazy and everybody in the terminal would get a full education on IVF. It would have made a hilarious blog entry. But I'm not a natural tantrum-thrower, so it would also stress me out enough to make me physically ill. Luckily all my flights went well, but I was very glad to be safely on the ground in my own city.
Things went great from that point. Since Mr. Turtle was staying in the States for a few more days, I decided to stay with my parents instead of being on my own. It was an excellent choice. My mom and dad accompanied me to my appointment at The Fertility Clinic. They haven't really been involved so far, so it gave them a chance to show support for me which made all of us happy. The ultrasound/trial transfer was quick and easy. Maybe I'm just desperate for any kind of hope, but I felt encouraged that the doctor saw follicles on both ovaries. On my last ultrasound the tech only found follicles on one ovary, which made me wonder if I only have a single functioning one. But it would appear they both work, kind of.
So, IVF #1 is full speed ahead. I picked up the prescriptions the same day.
I start Suprefact on Saturday January 4th, 80 micrograms subcutaneous injection, twice a day, 12 hours apart. Continue with that until I'm told to stop.
On Monday January 6th, I start 450 IU of Gonal F, and 150 of Menopur, once a day in the afternoon, also both injections.
I continue taking the DHEA/CoQ10 until it is finished, as well as low dose aspirin and folic acid, of course. Mr. Turtle and I also start on an oral antibiotic on January 6th.
My next ultrasound and blood test is on Sunday January 12th.
Although I had some anxiety about IVF, now that it's happening I feel relaxed and confident it is the right thing to do. Now that my 3 kinds of lovely needles are in the house with me, I am not afraid of them. It is interesting because the rational reasons for doing IVF are the same today as they were a month ago, and so are the statistical chances of success. But my feelings are different. It just feels like we are on the right path, and even though I don't know what the future will bring, and I don't want to speculate about it, I am strangely free of fear.
Of course I may go batshit crazy in the next few days, especially when my body starts vibrating with drugs. But in the meantime I'm going to focus on being an Subcutaneous Injection Expert. Mr. Turtle is simply delighted to support me as he has knowledge in this area: he takes Humira every week for his Crohn's.
It's my last drug-free day! Mr. Turtle and I are going to have a wonderful day together to celebrate.
Happy new year one and all.