But I might as well have been. You may know where this is going. If you want to stop reading, please do. If you can stand to hold the hand of a girl who's got the shock of her life, oh God please do.
To be perfectly clear, here's my (abbreviated) history. Although there's far more mystery than clarity here, believe me.
This was supposed to be an IVF cycle.
Day 1 was December 31st, 2013. I went off the BCP about Day 2, I think.
Day 5 I started Suprefact.
Day 7 I started Gonal F, Menopur.
Day 13, first scan and blood test. No response. 2.5 mm lining. Two follicles, barely visible, 1.9mm.
Day 14, last shots of the fertility drugs.
Day 15, last Suprefact. Second scan shows no change. No estrogen was produced. Cycle cancelled. I went off all drugs.
Day 26 (11 days after cancellation.) I thought maybe I had signs of ovulation. So, well, we did our thing. Rage, rage against the dying of the light. (sorry about the melodrama).
And until about 15 minutes ago, I lived one weeks-long mindfuck. Which was sometimes enjoyable, sometimes not. I called the Donor Egg IVF coordinator a couple of weeks ago. I was ready to register for the program, but when our house was burgled we cancelled the credit cards. So, I put it off. Then The Period was a no-show. Put it off some more.
Then I just couldn't bear the thought of a BFN. But couldn't bring myself to register for Donor Egg IVF without either a Period or a BFN.
Then finally I just couldn't bear the thought of continuing to live in this twilight zone.
So. Today. I found the courage. To test. With ClearBlue.
The plus sign popped up in no time. Thanks ClearBlue for not keeping me in suspense.
OH MY FUCKING GOD. (That was said reverently, I assure those of you that are religious.)
I took the test, and the ClearBlue flyer to Mr. Turtle. "Tell me I'm not hallucinating."
Mr. Turtle stared, and assured me I wasn't.
Mr. Turtle is giggly and happy. I think. I'm so shocked I can't even take in his feelings right now.
I'm terrified. Now that I've taken the test I don't know if I'm any better off than before. Before this afternoon I was just a bit weird. Now I'm so. freaking. terrified. And still weird, probably.
How the hell did that just happen? And what the hell do I do? I don't even know anymore.
If you got this far, thank you. Thank you for the lifeline back to reality.