Monday, 17 February 2014

Lightning Strike

No, I haven't been actually struck by lightning.

But I might as well have been.  You may know where this is going. If you want to stop reading, please do. If you can stand to hold the hand of a girl who's got the shock of her life, oh God please do.

To be perfectly clear, here's my (abbreviated) history. Although there's far more mystery than clarity here, believe me.

This was supposed to be an IVF cycle.

Day 1 was December 31st, 2013. I went off the BCP about Day 2, I think.

Day 5 I started Suprefact.

Day 7 I started Gonal F, Menopur.

Day 13, first scan and blood test. No response. 2.5 mm lining. Two follicles, barely visible, 1.9mm.

Day 14, last shots of the fertility drugs.

Day 15, last Suprefact. Second scan shows no change. No estrogen was produced. Cycle cancelled. I went off all drugs.

Day 26 (11 days after cancellation.) I thought maybe I had signs of ovulation. So, well, we did our thing. Rage, rage against the dying of the light. (sorry about the melodrama).

And until about 15 minutes ago, I lived one weeks-long mindfuck. Which was sometimes enjoyable, sometimes not. I called the Donor Egg IVF coordinator a couple of weeks ago. I was ready to register for the program, but when our house was burgled we cancelled the credit cards. So, I put it off. Then The Period was a no-show. Put it off some more.

Then I just couldn't bear the thought of a BFN. But couldn't bring myself to register  for Donor Egg IVF without either a Period or a BFN.

Then finally I just couldn't bear the thought of continuing to live in this twilight zone.

So. Today. I found the courage. To test. With ClearBlue.

The plus sign popped up in no time. Thanks ClearBlue for not keeping me in suspense.



Oh My God.
OH MY FUCKING GOD. (That was said reverently, I assure those of you that are religious.)

I took the test, and the ClearBlue flyer to Mr. Turtle. "Tell me I'm not hallucinating."

Mr. Turtle stared, and assured me I wasn't.

Mr. Turtle is giggly and happy. I think. I'm so shocked I can't even take in his feelings right now.

I'm terrified.  Now that I've taken the test I don't know if I'm any better off than before. Before this afternoon I was just a bit weird. Now I'm so. freaking. terrified. And still weird, probably.

How the hell did that just happen? And what the hell do I do? I don't even know anymore.

If you got this far, thank you. Thank you for the lifeline back to reality.



32 comments:

  1. I agree crazy (and I'm sure shocking), but awesome news! Congratulations and I hope all continues to go well with this miracle baby :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you! Gosh, I do so hope it continues to go well and this isn't the universe ****ing with me

      Delete
  2. OMG! Stranger things have happened! Wishing the best in your next steps!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm sure they have, but this is pretty strange. Thank you!

      Delete
  3. AAGAGHHHGHHHHHH!

    AAGHHHH!

    Oh. My. GOD.

    Are you buzzing/high/shaking right now? Because I'm buzzing/high/shaking right now.

    Also, so many good wishes. My positive came with a ridiculous amount of fear, too. It's like it got 10000 times harder all of the sudden. But, listen. You're pregnant. YOU'RE PREGNANT! Let the fear come in, but don't let it take over. Celebrate!!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Haha, Thank you Lentil. Yes, I am buzzing/high/shaking. Been that way the past 12 hours. You are right, no need to let the fear take over. And after I didn't become pregnant just yesterday; according to ClearBlue I have been for 3 weeks or more. Yikes. Thank you, thank you. Thinking of you and your two little ones too.

      Delete
  4. That's amazing and wonderful! Congratulations! You must be completely overwhelmed with emotion--but that's the best news I've heard all day!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you! I haven't quite figured out what emotion to feel. A lot of shock, fear that this is some sort of horrible prank the universe is playing on me, and excitement, for sure. Haven't quite go to happy yet - keeping that one in the box for now.

      Delete
  5. Congrats! How completely shocking and fabulous and terrifying. Your emotions must be all over the place.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. thank you! So far the emotion has mainly been disbelief - but there are other ones in there!

      Delete
  6. Holy effing ess! (Yeah, that's me cleaning it up for the internets.) This is insane! Can we just say that this is the best outcome of a cancelled IVF cycle that I've ever read EVER? Yes we can! Congratulations!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hahaha, thank you for cleaning up language for the internet. :-) Feel free to let loose though; I'm OK with it! Thank you for the congratulations. I hope things go well from here. I wish we could have been celebrating together.

      Delete
  7. Congrats!
    There was more but the comment monster ate it.

    ReplyDelete
  8. This is awesome news!! Holding so many good thoughts for you and this pregnancy.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you. Love those good thoughts.

      Delete
  9. WOW Congratulations!!!! So much good luck and positive vibes for the next steps. You must be on cloud 9 right now!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you. I might be on Cloud 9, I don't dare look over the edge and count the clouds quite yet. Sending good luck and positive vibes back to you, too!

      Delete
  10. Congrats!! I love this!!! So excited for you xoxox

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Caroline! sending lots of happiness back to you tooo!

      Delete
  11. AAAAAHHH!!! Poking my head ever so briefly out from my blogging hiatus to scream with joy for you, do a little happy dance here at my desk, and wish you HUGE congratulations! I'm beyond thrilled for you. This is reminiscent; when I finally got my positive I was terrified, and it felt surreal not only because we'd been waiting so long, but because it came (like yours) just as we had approached a crossroads that had me thinking about the 'what next' of dropping the IVF plan, even of a possibly child-free life. I'm so glad you're another of those freak surprises :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you! I love the joy-scream and happy dance. :-) I'm still afraid to let most of my feelings in the box, but I'm so glad for all the comments. I think of you often and send good thoughts and wishes you way. xo

      Delete
  12. Holy. Shit. I don't even know what to say. I'm in SHOCK. (Haha lightning/shock haha!) I just want to hug you. This is the strangest and most wonderful thing I've read in…*years* I think!! I can't wait to hear what the doctors say!!!! CONGRATULATIONS!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Heh, you and me both in shock. I'm taking it a bit at a time because....CRAZY. Thank you for e-hug. I totally can feel it. And I send a ton of good thoughts and wishes back at you.

      Delete
  13. Oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh, I had to take a break from studying and tell you I AM SO HAPPY FOR YOU!!!! YAY!!!! Finally, universe, it's about damn time! I know these early days are beyond terrifying, but try to enjoy every minute. I am so excited for you, friend!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you! I'm glad you decided to surf on over during your break. :-) Love the happy. I think of you often.

      Delete
  14. oh my gosh!!! congrats! that is very exciting! keep us updated!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much. I will update soon.

      Delete
  15. OMGGGGG!!! Where have I been??!? Stupid Wordpress reader does NOT show posts from blogspot fast enough. WOW! Congrats girl! No wonder you said something about your appointment! Okay I'm rambling on now but wow!!! :D :D

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you! fingers crossed and prayers said that both of us continue to get good news. xo

      Delete