Monday, 3 July 2017

Microblog Monday: Exhausted

I had some interesting topics in mind I was going to write about, but can't muster the energy or enthusiasm for them today. Which is often the story of my life. So I'll save the interesting stuff for later, and just write about how zapped I am today. At least I'll have a blog entry to show for it.

I have good days. I was at a historical theme park most of the day Saturday with family and friends (I  have a real life mom friend now, wow) celebrating Canada's 150th anniversary. I did really well. And then yesterday and today I could do almost nothing. Putting a load of laundry in or picking up AJ's toys was a major effort. For every chore I contemplated doing, I contemplated just giving up and going to bed. Going to bed won at least half the time.

I am sure part of this is physical but part of it is psychological too. It's hard to get excited about life when I am focused on merely existing (eat, sleep, not get sick). And then there's also the underlying pregnancy anxiety. It's not overwhelming at the moment, but it's there.  I'm not always scared but constantly managing it (and the tiredness and nausea) leaves me.....flat. I'm not really into anything.

We also found out today that my sister in law (Mr. Turtle's brother's wife) is pregnant. She is due exactly a week after I am supposed to be. Hahahahahaha. I mean, this is good news. My BIL and SIL are lovely. Everybody wants them to have kids. I want them to have kids. They were married 4 years ago (3 years after us). I worried at first they would have kids before us, which I did resent, but they waited (voluntarily, as far as I can tell, and I have a good nose for these things). Even with all the fertility issues, we still had the first grandchild. And hey I'm pregnant again, against the odds, and currently no reason to believe it won't end well.  I have to admit the situation is kind of cute. It's something for Mr. Turtle and his brother to bond over, and I'm sure they will. Still. Part of me wants a belly buddy and part of me shrinks from the idea. I felt the same way when I was pregnant the first time and so coincidentally were many other bloggers I followed. You hope everything goes well for everyone but there's also that feeling of dread for what it will be like if one of the pregnancies ends sadly while the rest go smoothly.

Anyway. SIL is across the continent so it's not like this will in my face all the time, though it will be an important part of our lives.  It's just rather ironic and it makes me both more aware of the shadows while pushing them away with whatever energy I have.

The other thing I have to figure out is the best way to tell new mom friend I'm pregnant. She is older, needed fertility treatments to conceive her son, and had a loss last year at 19 weeks. I have to disclose at some point but I really want to do it in a way that is sensitive. We either text each other or see each other in person. I'm leaning towards texting but I'm traditional and cringe at disclosing something like that via text. I dunno. Maybe I'll try to think of an excuse to get her email. Email seems more dignified somehow.

Maybe I'll figure it all out this week. Or maybe I'll just sleep a lot.

Microblog Mondays

12 comments:

  1. I vote for sleep!!! Everything is much less manageable and insurmountable when you are exhausted. Most things can always wait!

    Also, I'm late but so many congrats on the pregnancy!! I took a month-ish long break from blogs so I am so out of the loop. So very happy and excited for you! Hoping the exhaustion leaves you soon!

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    1. You're right, I shouldn't even try to think or problem solve when exhausted. It's just frustrating. Thank you for the good wishes. I will follow your blogging too when you get around to writing.

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  2. Definitely sleep! One chore = one nap, right? My cousin back in the US was preggers when I was this time, but I was about 3 months ahead of her. We only talked once, but it was nice.

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    1. like your one chore one nap arrangement. Now, what qualifies as a chore: does it have to be completed before the nap or is it ok if I just start it? LOL

      I really hope I can be open hearted about SIL's pregnancy. I'm still just so afraid for myself. I'm kind of assuming I'll turn a corner after the next ultrasound but I wonder: what if there are birth defects or disabilities? Pregnancy at any stage can end badly. I always assume it will more complicated for me than for fertiles (which becomes a bit of a self fulfilling prophecy, in the psychological sense). Oh well. All these things I can't control: one foot ahead of the other and muddle through.

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  3. Sometimes I think just having someone tell me they have something happy but hard to tell me puts me in the right frame of mind to hear it without feeling like it's a surprise. Maybe if you can't get the email, you can start out the text exchange that way so she can mentally prepare before texting back.

    Growing a human is exhausting -- physically and emotionally. Naps sound good.

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  4. I like that suggestion: thanks! I'll have naps for sure.

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  5. Oh, nap away! That's one of the glories of summer. I know you have things to do, but napping in between hopefully helps. I can imagine growing a human would make you super tired all day long... :) That's so interesting about your sister in law, it could be amazing timing (close cousins!) but I'm with you on the fears of something going awry. Let's assume everything will go great for everyone. I like Mel's idea for telling your mom friend. I appreciate a text or an email (although my last "I have something to tell you" moment was text and it was fine) so that I can have my reaction and respond in my own time, without someone seeing my face fighting back tears, or the wobble in my voice over the phone. I love the idea of a multi-text approach. Or you could ask her, "I have something happy but hard to tell you, would rather I text you, call you, or tell you in person?" Maybe that would put too much pressure to make a decision though. Go with Mel. She's a wise lady.

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    1. Thanks. Yes, I agree it's more sensitive to personalize the message, and to give people space. It's what I appreciate too. I wouldn't like it to just come out one day while our kids are playing or whatever. Because then you're stuck. Thanks for the good advice; I'm going to nap now. Seriously the messin the house is hurting exactly no one 😇

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  6. I haven't been here in a while, so first of all, congratulations!! I'm happy to hear that you have good days. Fingers crossed!
    About the new mom friend, I would also vote for a sort of heads-up via text, and then you can take it from there. I still find those announcements hard... How much does she know about your history?

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    1. Thanks! Regarding my friend, she knows a bit: that we have been trying for a long time, that we are clients of the same clinic, that my daughter was quite improbable, and that I "get" how it feels to have difficulty having a child. It all came out during a short intense conversation at the zoo that ended with her son throwing his hat into the penguin enclosure. I think there is a fair bit of understanding between us, but I suppose part of what gives me pause is I do feel her trials have been worse, especially the late term loss, and greater financial limitations. I'm probably overthinking it; I will just have to trust myself to be decent about it and follow her lead after the initial salvo.

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  7. It will be nice for the babies to have a cousin... I always had a slight minor niggle about never providing a cousin for my solitary niece. I can empathise with the feeling of dread for what it would be like if one of the pregnancies ends badly while the rest go smoothly, but that's a very natural fear. Announcing a pregnancy sensitively is hard and it's lovely that you are thinking about it. Personally from experience I think face-to-face is best: I've had it in an old-fashioned letter and also in texts, and something about seeing it written down was worse than the couple of times I had it straight to my face over a dinner or something. But everyone's different and not everyone will agree with me... On the other hand, she may be absolutely OK about it whatever way she hears it. Keep us posted!

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    1. Hey thanks. Yeah, I kind of missed out on cousins too. Well my actual cousins are almost all a generation older than me because my mom is the youngest in her family, and had kids relatively later in life than her siblings. My one cousin on my dad's side died before I ever met him. I was friends with some of my cousins' kids as a child, but those relationships ended because of geographical distance and a rift between my parents and my mom's siblings. I still find that painful to think of even now. Anyway. I agree there are many positives to the situation; I still have a tendency to dwell on negatives and fears. Thanks for your thoughts regarding my friend. I can see how written words might have a permanence to them that spoken don't. I guess knowing that she is still actively trying with treatments, or intends to, makes me inclined to give her space, though instinctively I want to be able to show compassion (and courage) by speaking in person. But whenever we are together we are with kids, in a public place, we haven't had a tete a tete yet. It's pretty unpleasant to deal with difficult feelings in a public place, I think.

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