Monday, 17 April 2017

#Microblog Monday: Emotional sinkholes

Have you watched the documentaries on sinkholes? Terrifying, aren't they?


I feel like I've had emotional sinkholes lately.

I'm going about my day, doing things I ordinarily do, and it suddenly feels like....a piece of my identity, my self, isn't there. I feel vaguely like a liar, when I try to talk about myself to someone, because I don't know if what I'm saying is true. And my words feel dangerous, like they might tear open unexpectedly savage wounds in myself or others. Although I'm not trying to fool anyone. I'm not trying to hurt anyone.

I'm hoping this is some combination of ending a cycle (yes it still bothers me, especially the ones that are more "normal," but don't result in pregnancy), waking up at 3:30am, and maybe not blogging often enough.

I've felt this way before, at times of transition and flux. Somehow though, I thought I was done feeling that way. You know, married, established career, mother, financially stable. I thought those feelings belonged to my 20s or earlier when I didn't have any of those things and life was much less predictable.

I guess it's less predictable than I thought, and I'm less stable. It's not a pleasant feeling. But at least I know myself a little better, and I know that I've been here before.


6 comments:

  1. Whoa... that is such an interesting description: sinkhole. I would love to hear more about this -- maybe writing about it could help you over this stage, too.

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    1. Ok! Thanks for the encouragement. It's hardest to write about these slippery shifting feelings.

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  2. I hate this feeling of second-guessing yourself over details that are true. I also found it happens during a period of transition or one of great unrest. May you find firmer ground soon.

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    1. Thanks! Yes, lots of second guessing. It gets exhausting.

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  3. Yes. Sinkholes are terrifying. You think that the ground is this solid thing that holds everything up, and then it whoosh disappears beneath you into a bottomless pit. I'm so sorry you're feeling this way, because it is very unsettling. I hope it doesn't last, that it's just this time of transition, but it's a terrible way to feel. That is how I've explained how I got to this crisis point myself-- I feel like I've been lying to myself, and so to everyone around me as well but not maliciously, because I wanted to be okay when I wasn't. It's tiring. I get the dangerous words, too. Not the reasons behind them for you, but I am thinking of you and hoping this passes. I hope writing about it and processing it and acknowledging it helps.

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    1. Yes, I think there is an element of lying hoping to be ok. Sort of complicated by the fact I really am on a lot of the time.....but also there are these times of feeling lost and like things aren't like they should be. It did help to write about it because I could be honest about describing the feelings and not have to talk about tangential things or explain them away. Thanks for reading.

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