Last week I had a few days "staycation." (It's taken me a while to finish this entry). It was spring break for the public school board, but we were not able to go on a holiday anywhere because Mr. Turtle was completing his final practicum hours (Master's degree in counselling psychology). It's a first world problem for sure, but I was disappointed to not be able to go on vacation anywhere. Last year we went on a family trip and it was wonderful (despite Mr. Turtle writing papers). It made me sad to think we could not do something similar this year. Actually, I was almost dreading the coming week off work, worrying that I would be bored and would sit around by myself thinking gloomy thoughts. Usually I might look forward to reading books, but lately I have struggled to find books I am interested in and to keep my attention on them once I start them (an unusual problem for me, but a different topic.)
Well, my fears did not come to pass and the week was quite enjoyable. I went to the zoo with AJ and my mom; I had a wonderful visit with a friend who has an irregular schedule; and I had a couple of days to myself with AJ in daycare to get a haircut, go shopping and even work in the yard. (So productive!) A old friend from overseas sent me a long letter and I spent many hours thinking about it and what to write back. By the time Friday came around I was ready for a low key day and I did not find my own company oppressive at all. And to wrap it up, on the weekend Mr. Turtle took a few hours off schoolwork and we went on a date night.
Apart from the fun stuff something I appreciated about this week was practicing release. I have thought about what word to use and I like "release" better than "taking a break" or "not trying" or "just relaxing" (ugh!). We are in between tests and treatments (if there even will be more treatments) so I have been taking my supplements and charting BBT/CM/Ovacue and timing our dates with fate based on that. It's been going "well" in the sense that my cycles have been fairly predictable, but at the beginning of this cycle I wanted to do less. I decided to stop the supplements other than the prenatal and one CO Q10 pill. Mainly I was tired of trying to remember to take pills 3X a day and feeling guilty if I forgot. This way I take them once a day whenever I remember and then I forget about it. I took my BBT once at the beginning of the cycle, but then I got sick, and started waking up at a different time, and it was just easier to not bother. Same with the Ovacue readings: once I missed the first ones, it was easy to stop caring.
I paid attention to CM because I can't help noticing it, so it's not extra work. And I took OPKs, but only 4, not the whole box. We did our thing when it seemed right, but because I'm not temping I did not confirm ovulation. It feels good to care less (certainly I do still care!) and it's good to know that I am able to let go of the incessant monitoring, and life goes on.
I also had some thoughts about family size and what it means. We went to a world-famous paleontology museum on the weekend as a family. After seeing a few exhibits, AJ started to get fussy and over-stimulated and asked to do the "puzzles." So we backtracked to a lobby in between galleries with soft chairs and coffee tables (brilliant). The coffee tables were inlaid with puzzles and other hands on activities (also brilliant). Mr. Turtle and I sat on the couch while AJ amused herself with the puzzles. I had a chance to observe other families going through. Usually, it makes me sad to think that AJ might not ever have a sibling, but as I watched families trundle past with two or more kids in tow, I had rather different thoughts. I saw clunky strollers (some doubles and/or with several "levels" weirdly balanced on top of each other) being maneuvered perilously through doorways, sometimes with one hand. Mothers (and some fathers too, in fairness) chasing one child, trying to pacify the other, feeding the next one, juggling crap, putting out fires. And there were Mr. Turtle and I, canoodling peacefully on the couch while our toddler played happily and quietly by herself.
Wow, I thought to myself, we have it so much easier. And I felt especially grateful for no stroller. Strollers were never my favourite part of infancy and I'm so glad we can easily leave it behind for a trip like this. There's even a chance that I can go to a museum and enjoy an exhibit, maybe learn something about the Mesazoic and Cretaceous periods. It's not guaranteed by any means, but it's within the realm of possibility. It didn't look like any of the mothers with two or more children, especially close to AJ's age, were likely to remember a single thing about the musuem when they were done.
I would still rather things were different. I would still choose to be one of those families wrangling two children through the musuem and wondering when this is supposed to start being fun. Many times, I still want that mythical second child so badly I can feel it like a physical ache. But, I also made a small mental note that there are advantages to our current situation. I have considered this side of the matter berfore: I have forced myself to contemplate life with one child because that was always a likely possibility. But what was different this time is that the thought of one child gave me a distinct tickle of happiness.
We carry on. But somehow, I feel freer. Released. There is another colour in my emotional spectrum, even if it isn't one I see every day.