Thursday 12 May 2016

The Lottery

Mr. Turtle is an counsellor, and graduate student of psychology. So, a bit of an expert on why people do the things they do, which is a useful skill to have in a family.


The other day we were talking about the lottery and why people buy lottery tickets. I don't buy lottery tickets. I would rather spend my money on something tangible or save it up for something tangible in the future. I probably made some comment along the lines of "I don't understand why people think buying lottery tickets is a good idea."


Mr. Turtle's answer: It's not that people are convinced they are going to win ten million dollars or whatever it is. But in between buying the lottery ticket and finding out they didn't win anything, they can imagine what it would be like to win the lottery. What they are really buying with every lottery ticket is hope.


I probably shook my head at Humanity and went on with my day. Until it occurred to me that I have much the same attitude toward trying for a baby.  I have some real hope that we can get pregnant again without treatments. But my intense emotional need to "try" every cycle has much in common with playing the lottery. In between the attempts, and getting the The Period (or much less frequently, a negative test), I can imagine what it would be like to be pregnant again. And yes I do, every time. No matter how unpromising the prospects, there's usually a day or two when I can convince myself that It Really Might Have Happened.


Yeah, only for about a day or two lately. The fertility situation is crappy. 17 days. 20 days. The last promising one was 26 days, and we didn't get pregnant. I'm still kind of sad about that. I tend to look back at every cycle over 25 days and wonder if that was my last good egg, and we missed our only chance for another child.  I'm pretty sure this is crazy. I do it anyway.


We have an appointment scheduled with The Fertility Clinic for the first week of July. One advantage of already having a file: they responded to our doctor's referral within a couple of days, rather than a couple of months. I didn't expect to hear from them so soon and was actually kind of dismayed. I was relieved to hear that the appointment is a couple of months away, though. It gives us some time to mull over our feelings on the matter.


And a few more chances to play the lottery.

8 comments:

  1. That is so true, it is like the lottery and buying hope. I only once bought a ticket for the lotto (here in NZ where the lower population makes the odds a little better) and I bought it solely for the reason that I could spend a day dreaming of how we would spend our $22 million! We've just entered our first two week wait in trying naturally for a second bubs- I don't think it will happen this cycle, but it is nice to dream!

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    1. Ha, thank you for sympathizing with my craziness. Best of luck to you. It is nice to dream and imagine, but it can leave me feeling like I live two parallel lives. I have to remember to be must present in the real one that's actually happening every day.

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  2. It is totally like the hope cycle of the lottery, but I would argue harder because you don't really ever expect to win the lottery, but you hope the chances of pregnancy are higher. I'm sorry the cycles are so wonky. I hope that the time between now and July brings you conversation and peace over what you want to do with the Clinic, and a shot at that lottery to boot. I totally get thinking that it Totally Could Have Happened... it's why I'm on Depo Provera now. Even knowing what I know I would think each month (or 60 days or whatever, since I go the opposite way from you) that I could be pregnant, even though my medical chart clearly says that ain't happening, ever. Wishing you all the best in this twisty time!

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    1. Yeah, good point. Thanks for the sympathy. I am slightly envious that you can look at all of this from the other side. :-) And happy for you too. And not sure what to make of myself. Although I'm not looking forward to the Clinic appointment, I think it will sort of be a good thing because it might help me to think more logically. Also they have a psychologist on staff who specialized in fertility.

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  3. Reading this, I just kept nodding my head going "uh-huh, uh-huh, yes". It really does feel like buying a lottery ticket - for just that short time, the daydream of winning seems almost possible. We've been in the process of seeing if something happens on natural cycles and I can very much relate to the whole anxiety over "but what if that was my only/last shot" and the few days of possibility and dreaming.

    Best of luck with both the "lottery" and thinking over/deciding on paths in July.

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    1. Thanks for commenting and relating! Our "miracle" pregnancy was very very lucky, but when it comes to #2 it means the way forward is by no means clear. I do envy people who can at least say "this is what worked for us" (though by no means is that a guarantee for anyone. But when I am looking for straws....) Thanks for the good luck wishes: sending them back.

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  4. Oh, do I relate. I'm playing the same lottery! Even though we've already had TWO statistically impossible, improbable and crazy pregnancies (wait, three if you count the miscarriage), in the back of my head I still envision myself pregnant and think well luck out again. Who the heck knows? I hope we both do. But man, I can relate. I've recently become convinced that the April miscarriage was my last egg, even if not a good one.

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    1. It's crappy isn't it? sorry that you can relate all too well to the madness. I think the "it was my last / only chance thoughts are the worst. I'm not ready to give up hope, or whatever this is, but it can such the life out of me. Thinking of you and sending hugs!

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