Tuesday, 5 January 2016

Goodbye

My dad passed away this afternoon.

He wanted very much to live but the disease and the pain were too much for his body. It was hard to see him struggling toward the end and I am glad that he does not have to endure that anymore. It also hurts to know that he always made the most of his time and opportunities and that now those are forever lost to him.

I also believe the hardest experiences distill us down to the purest parts of our souls. And what I saw most in my dad in these last weeks was love.  There was a fierceness even in his smiles, as if he willed himself to feel and show love even has his body failed in painful and often degrading ways. It is the most awesome and terrible beauty I have ever seen.  Sometimes I wanted to look away, not because he was sick but because I felt I looked into the sun and burned my eyes. But not for anything would I look away.

Now we abide.

45 comments:

  1. I'm with you, my friend. Honoring your dad in love. I'm so, so sorry.

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  2. I'm so sorry to read this. What a beautiful, and heartbreaking, tribute to your Dad. Abiding with you, my friend.

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  3. These are such beautiful words. I'm so sorry for your loss.

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  4. I'm so sorry for your loss. Sending you love during this time.

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  5. I am so sorry for your loss. Your Dad sounds like such a good person. Sending you a big hug.

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  6. I'm so sorry for your loss. What a beautiful tribute to him.

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    1. thank you <3 he left so much love behind my heart might explode trying to put it into words.

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  7. If your words only communicate a tiny bit of the love from your dad I can only imagine how incredible his love for your family and for life must have been. Truly sorry for you lost. Hope you and AJ can be of some comfort to your mom and each other.

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    1. Thank you. Yes, having each other and AJ helps us to smile. My dad really wanted to see her grow up and we will do the things he wanted to do with her: cycling, skiing, introducing her to classical music.

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  8. I'm so sorry for your loss. Hugs to you and Mr. Turtle and AJ. xx

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    1. Thank you for your words and for always reading!

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  9. I'm so sorry, for your loss and for everything your dad had to go through. Just caught up on your last post as well and I want you to know-- your words will stay with me. Living in radical acceptance- something I must embrace. I love the quote you include as well.
    It's so difficult to find words to express the heartbreak of losing our beloved. This was beautiful.

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    1. Thank you. It is so hard to live with sorrow and see how it affects my mom and other family but if I close up my heart I will miss the joy too. So I try to feel it all.

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  10. I am so sorry for this loss. This post so honors your dad as he was and the loss of who he could have been given more time. You write beautifully about something so hard and yet in a way so beautiful to witness. I am abiding with you, and imagining your dad's fierce love burning in your heart.

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  11. Oh hon, holding you in my heart. I am so sorry.

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  12. I am so sorry for your loss. :( Thinking of you & your family this week.

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    1. thank you. I appreciate your good thoughts!

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  13. I am so sorry, friend. It's hard to fathom losing one's father. Thinking of you.

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    1. Thanks Isabelle. I know, I can't fathom it either. It makes no sense that I can't see and talk to him anymore, and that Alice won't be able to play with him, or that my mom is alone.

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  14. Brushing away tears. I can't imagine the pain you must be carrying right now. I know he must have been so proud of you and so much in love with AJ. Last year a sports announcer died of brain cancer and before his death he described (something like this), "you don't lose to cancer if you die, you beat cancer by how you live with it" It sounds like your Dad sure did that. I just saw your comment about not being able to talk to your Dad anymore, and while certainly you won't have the same two sided conversations, your Dad will still talk to you; through the memories you share with AJ, and the traits, values and skills you have and teach her, your Dad will be there with you.

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    1. Thank you Jane. I like the quote about beating cancer by how you live with it, that is so true. Thank you also for the comment about how my dad will "talk" to us, that is very comforting. In these early confusing days we miss his physical presence, but I know in the days to come while still missing him we will also understand how much he has left behind in our lives. xoxo

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  15. Beautiful, heartbreaking words. I am so sorry for your loss.

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  16. First of all, I'm sorry for the loss of your dad. Abiding with you.

    What an exquisite post. Love this: " Sometimes I wanted to look away, not because he was sick but because I felt I looked into the sun and burned my eyes." Terrible beauty, indeed.

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    1. Thank you Lori. Love has so many faces, some are adorable and cute like babies' smiles but some are aged and painful and aggrieved, and yet they are all love.

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  17. My sincerest condolences for this great loss. Your words about how our father lived the end of his life are beautiful. Hold tight to these cherished memories in this difficult time. Sending light and love.

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  18. I am so very sorry for your loss. Your father sounded like a beautiful soul and a reminder to all of us to live with love and grace. My thoughts are with you.

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    1. Thank you Sarah. Indeed he was, as much as any imperfect mortal can be.

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  19. I'm so sorry for your loss. Much love.

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  20. I'm sorry for all of your loss. My thoughts are with you.

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  21. I am so sorry to hear about your dad. I hope you are able to surround yourself with your loved ones and can take the time to feel and process. xoxo

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