Monday 20 April 2015

#Microblog Mondays - NIAW and CIAW indecision



April 19th to 25th is National Infertility Awareness Week in the United States, and May 19th to 28th is Canadian Infertility Awareness Week. I don't know why there are two different weeks - wouldn't it have more impact to have everybody focus their efforts on one week? or is it better to have two so that people get two reminders? hmmm....

This week many people are acknowledging NIAW on their blogs, and a couple of people (so far) in my network have done so on social media. I don't know how many times I've gone over in my head what I could or might say about infertility/sub-fertility on social media. (I'd planned to wait for CIAW, if only because I'm indecisive, but at the same time I like the energy that is happening this week! and after all, what does infertility care about national borders?!)

But I just don't know. I have around 180 contacts on Facebook. It breaks down into 1) people that I am closely connected with outside of social media (family, close friends, close colleagues) 2) people that I was connected with at one time but probably wouldn't be anymore if not for social media (people I met through work or recreational activities, friends and internet friends whom I don't see much anymore, a few former students, a few people I went to school or university with) 3) people I have a casual connection with, such as colleagues I don't work closely with, or people I see at band but not anywhere else,  and then 4) a bunch of people who are only connected because of mutual interest in certain things (music or literature, mainly). There's some other bloggers in the mix too; I don't know if they fit any category or are in one of their own!

Most people in category 1 already know about the fertility issues, and have for some time. And if there was someone who didn't know that I really wanted to tell, I wouldn't want them to find out through a public Facebook post.  So if I posted something, it wouldn't be with the goal of sharing information.  Why then? The other reasons are more abstract: to show solidarity, to get people talking, to possibly encourage someone who is struggling with infertility and feels alone.

What's stopping me? well, in no particular order:

1) I don't want to start a public (or depending on the person, even a private) conversation about our fertility issues on Facebook.  At the same time, if I post and someone asks a question, I feel like it would be contradictory to respond with:  "Yeah, but I'm not talking about it! (with you)."

2) How much or how little do I say? I feel like if I'm vague, I'm leaving things open to speculation, which could impact on personal or work relationships in the future. People might make assumptions but not bother to check if they are at all true, and even if there's no consequence attached to that, it bothers me that people might think things of me and my family that aren't true. Although that could happen in any scenario. On the other hand, getting really specific doesn't seem appropriate for the audience (see above).  I could just post something general about infertility and say little to nothing about us, but I still feel I should be prepared if people do ask questions, and that leads back to the same issues. I think most people are socially aware enough to recognize what they do and don't need to know, but I know maybe a couple of people who may ask more than they really need to know, the sort of people who like to force intimacy.

3) I wonder if being an "urban legend" I'm qualified to speak up about infertility. Here's how the conversation I kind of dread goes: 1) I post something about infertility 2) Person asks: "So AJ was conceived through assisted reproductive technologies? 3) Me: "Well no, you see we got very lucky and had a natural conception following failed treatments 4) Person says: "Oh, yes, I hear that happens allthetime!!!"  So, how many more are you planning to have?" 5) Me: "Ummmmm....."

So what could be gained by posting about infertility/subfertility on social media?

1) Show solidarity with others who are walking this road, people I know about or don't
2) I might feel less twigged by people's (second in particular) pregnancy announcements if I feel I've been clear about where I stand
3) People might think twice about pestering me or others about when or if they are having kids/more kids (I think that would be my ideal outcome, actually). It so pisses me off when people aggressively question about kids. Especially when they include a poke or nudge with the question. Don't !@#$ing touch me I may hit you!!!! 

I don't know. Any readers shared on Facebook or other social media outside of the ALI community? (well I know a couple have, at least). Why? What did you choose to say?

I  will add, anyone else who chooses to share publicly, for whatever reason, you have my full support.

Microblog Mondays

12 comments:

  1. I share far and wide, but that's the way I've always been when it comes to infertility. So I don't think that's a stretch for me.

    But I will say that it makes no sense why we have two different awareness weeks and why the organizations for the two countries didn't work together to join forces.

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    1. I think overall it would be better to have one week for all countries, too. Unless the themes were focusing specifically on Canadian or American issues (e.g. differences in access to fertility treatments) But from what I can tell the themes are very similar if not identical: 1 in 6 campaign, you are not alone. So it really seems like they could have been combined.

      I wouldn't question why you should share, because you provide services that is helpful (website, books networking). I guess I'm just not sure how helpful it would be if I personally shared. Maybe it would be, I just haven't convinced myself.

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  2. I am in the same boat as you. Especially as regards #3 (both #3s, really). I won't be sharing on facebook though, because I don't share much on facebook at all. Cat pics, garden pics, any pics from hikes in the mountains...and that is all I ever post (and even then it has been ages since I posted anything). But if an article or something crops up relating to infertility or even choosing to live child-free (with or without infertility), I always make a point of liking it, or sharing it if it is really good.

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    1. yes, I do that too. It's easier if someone else has taken the plunge first lol! I think people use social media for different reasons. If you see it as your public platform, sharing something for awareness is intuitive. If it's sort of a loose personal network, or something you participate in mostly because of peer pressure, then maybe it doesn't feel so appropriate.

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  3. I keep wanting/meaning to post something on FB, and then hitting the same wall as you in not knowing what to say and not sure if a bunch of people I haven't been in touch with since high school have any right to know. I ended up not posting anything about my pregnancy until after Q was born, so surprise!! I may post something during CIAW...we'll see. I feel like I should, if only to bring awareness.

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    1. Yes, I feel like not talking about it is a choice too, and I'm not sure if my reasons for not talking about it (on Facebook) are as good as the reasons I could talk about it! even briefly. I'm kind of hoping that perfect article or meme comes along so I don't have to think too much lol.

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  4. Last year I waited to post until CIAW but I decided to post during NIAW this year because I like the solidarity and momentum that's happening right now.

    I'm really open about our infertility (I even mentioned it took 3 years to conceive during my tv interview!) but I think each person has to do what they are comfortable with.

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    1. I loved the picture and quote you posted, and loved your interview! I consider myself pretty open too; I guess maybe the difference is in the way I'm open. I like to feel a personal connection with the person I'm opening up to, and craft the message to them. Big group announcements stress me out (hence the complete silence on social media for the whole pregnancy). Perhaps I can find a way to post that feels relevant, but not like I'm trying to draw attention to myself too much. Or maybe I'm overthinking it.

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  5. Haven't done NIAW yet, but plan to... I don't think I knew there was a separate CIAW! I loved your point about #3. It's an interesting thing to think about, the amazingness of being a person who hit the jackpot, but also the trickiness of being that urban legend that everyone wants to hang on to. You are not alone (har har har) on that one, because I PERSONALLY know at least four people who have had the miracle conception after going through treatments. But for those people not in the know, it gives such credence to the argument that "if you just keep trying, it will happen" mentality. I agree it's tricky if you aren't prepared to be totally open, although like anything you put out there you have every right to control just how much information you share. And for some people, like you said, just knowing where you came from before you became a mom could help someone feel less lonely. Bonus for getting those annoying touchers off your back about #2... :)

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    1. Yes, a while back a blogger who was mathematically minded (Infertile Chemist, I believe) did a statistical analysis of how likely the "miracle" conceptions were. In short, not very likely, but not impossible either, depending on the diagnosis and given a certain amount of sex over a certain amount of time. I agree with you about the value of sharing where I come from, and it's something I do like to do, in some way, because I know that where I come from has affected almost everything about where I am now. I know I see the world differently - I don't know if that's "good" or "bad"; I don't think it fits easily quantifiable categories. It just is what it is. I agree, if sharing can help even one person dealing with fertility feel less alone, or one person not dealing with infertility think twice about a thoughtless comment, it would be worth it. If neither of those things happen, well, what would be the harm? Thanks for the comment.

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  6. Great post. It does seem a little weird that the two weeks aren't coordinated, particularly since we get so much media from the States as it is. ("Didn't we just have that?") I don't post a lot about infertility or loss matters on Facebook, for all the reasons you've mentioned and then some. I do occasionally "like" articles that might get seen in my friends' news feeds, and I do usually post something on Katie's birthday. I don't want people feeling sorry for us, or worse, thinking that we're "wallowing" -- but on the other hand, I don't mind giving the occasional nudge to remind them that they are incredibly lucky (the ones with kids & grandkids) and not all of us get to have what they have, or at least get it without a lot of difficulty and heartache.

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    1. Thanks for your perspective. I like the idea of posting an article, because then there is information and discussion without it being personally focused. One of the bloggers posted a really good one yesterday; I'll think about maybe sharing that one or something similar in May. I like that you post something on Katie's birthday. I think it is important that stories like yours are told. One of my IRL friends (in her 60s now) shared with me her struggle with infertility years back. She wasn't successful with treatments, or with adoption/foster child (complicated story). This woman is such an amazing person, however. She has done so many things in her life and is still trying all sorts of new things in her life, despite having many experiences (not only infertility) that could have been emotionally devastating (not that they weren't, but she lived through them with more finesse than I would hope for.). She helped me to believe that even if treatments did not work out, that we would be fine and could have meaningful lives. I guess what I'm trying to say is we all need each other!

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