Monday 11 August 2014

Space



This weekend we got around to the first phase of house re-organization, which meant clearing the designated room for October Baby.



I'd picked the room, and planned how to clear it out, for quite a few weeks now. But taking the actual step felt overwhelming for a long time, so it was easily put off. People would ask: "Have you prepared XYZ?" "..thought about #$%$?" "decided on &*%^?" and we would say: "No - we can't do any of that until we've moved our stuff out of the room." What finally decided the matter was the purely practical consideration that it makes sense to do this work in August, when I am not working, Mr. Turtle has a break from graduate school, and we both have the momentum and energy. I can do things because they make sense.

So. This is the room before any painting/furniture/decorating. Everything is emptied out leaving a blank canvas. This is the space of which I was fearful.

Why? I think it has to do with the fact that when you decide to have a child, you create a space in your life and heart for them. We created that space when we started trying to conceive.  At first it didn't feel like a big empty space, but as the months dragged on, it did start to feel that way. Because the devil of it is, the space doesn't go away just because there's nobody filling it.

Although I carried the space within me and more or less lived with it, I had a fear of seeing it physically manifest. And I counted myself lucky many times that we have a modest house that the two of us could easily "fill": the extra rooms could be be appropriated as a dressing room, a music room. How lucky that we live in a mixed neighbourhood where not every house has a young family in it. How much worse living with infertility could have been if our home was a house in a suburb with many big empty rooms that we planned to fill with kids.

So how do I feel about the space now?

Well. I'm fine with it. It's just a room, and a pretty one. We're doing what we need to do. And it's OK.  And I enjoy the challenge to re-organize the house.

That's been a bit of a pattern throughout this pregnancy. I have feared a lot of things: making announcements, going for tests, people asking about the pregnancy, clearing a room, hiring a doula....but when we actually do them (or they just happen), it's OK. It even feels good and a bit exciting.

As for what we intend to do with the room, that's still coming together. I do want to paint it, because the current paint job is a bit dingy and I feel that a new colour scheme would represent a new beginning. My thought was a cool, soothing colour, such as pale green or light brown, offset with bright accents such as yellow/orange curtains or artwork. Since Ember is an October baby I thought an autumn theme would work well.

Almost-30-weeks pregnancy updates:


  • Distinct movements, especially in morning/later at night. However, I often feel her throughout the day, which is hugely reassuring. Her movements aren't painful or uncomfortable, although they are sometimes startling. She can kick hard but usually doesn't.  Sometimes I can feel her "winding up" for a big kick, however. Nice to be warned. The weirdest feeling is when she kicks/punches my bladder while I'm going pee LOL.
  • I have occasional pains in hips/groin but nothing constant, and I actually feel very good at this point.
  • Bending over is getting difficult. Yesterday I asked Mr. Turtle to cut my toenails for me because I found it uncomfortable.
  • Some days I can do quite a bit of physical activity (walking, chores etc.) and other days I can't: I get tired very quickly. Walking uphill can leave me breathless, but regular walking is usually fine. Sitting for long periods of time (e.g. a hour or more) leaves my sit bones aching, so during band rehearsal or if watching a show I have to make sure I take breaks to move around. I can definitely feel the extra 20 lbs I'm carrying at this point: I've never weighed this much in my life and it does take more effort to haul it all around.
  • Crazy dreams. I've had them throughout the pregnancy but they seem extra vivid lately. But less scary. I still dream of scary things but they never quite get me.
  • Mother instinct. Some weeks ago Mr. Turtle and I were in a restaurant and a baby was crying. He asked me: "Does that make you want to go to the baby?" (His colleagues at work have been filling him in on what to expect.) I thought about it, and said "No." Well. That's changed lately. Anytime I hear a baby cry I want to go see what's up. I am especially vulnerable to small wiggly babies. I want to snatch at them.  The nice part is that babies and small children seem to like me. This might sound ridiculous, but it is hugely reassuring to me that all the babies and toddlers I've seen lately like to make eye contact with me and smile.  I feel like they are telling me it's OK and I really can be trusted.
  • Emotions: Still very volatile, but overall positive. There's a difference between riding a wave of emotion and being overwhelmed with anxiety. My favourite place to be emotional is in the shower. There's something about the shower that can make me all weepy. But not sad weepy, just need-to-let-it-out weepy.
In summary: We have space. It is not scary empty space, it is space with potential. Ember and I are doing fine. Emotional but still capable of rational thought. Onward.

This is from a hike we took last weekend at 29+ weeks.

14 comments:

  1. You look wonderful! Enjoy the home stretch! Hugs to you and Ember -- and I can't wait to see what you do with her room! Xx

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    1. Thank you! if I remember I think I'll post progress photos of the room.

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  2. Well look how cute you are! Can't wait to see the room when it's finished!

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    1. Thank you! I can't wait to see the room either - I only have vague ideas at this point, and a few ideas for accessories! excited though.

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  3. Great update! You look great. :) And great job clearing out the room.

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    1. thank you! accomplishing a little bit each day.

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  4. Glad to hear you and Ember are doing so well. Onward indeed - its not long now and you're looking great! xx

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    1. Thanks! I know - it still feels like so long but it isn't so long anymore. :-)

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  5. Soon that space will be filled with the sounds of Ember growing up, but yes- one step at a time. In the very beginning of pregnancy I wanted things to speed up to have more certainty and feel pregnant. Now I'm thankful pregnancy is 40 weeks, so we have time to process everything that is happening and prepare for parenthood. Love the hiking picture!

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    1. That's so true - part of me wants to wish away the time, but another part recognizes all the work we have to do to be ready - fixing up the room is just a tiny part of it. And I am feeling quite happy because I think this is the right time to do all that work.

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  6. Awww you look so cute! You definitely have the pregnancy glow!

    I remember how hard it became to spend hours sitting in my office. Luckily as a teacher when you go back in September you can still get up and teach walking around or standing.

    Have fun with the room. It was scary for me at first too, but once you get going it's great!

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    1. Thank you! Yes, although my job can involve long hours on my feet, I tend to have more problems with being sedentary than with being active (this was true even before pregnancy). I am getting excited about the room - it's all about finding that momentum.

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  7. You are making big steps! And hiking, wow!
    H isn't really willing to set up a nursery at all, and I wonder how much of that is self-protection. He argues that she'll sleep in our room for a while, which is true, but still... I've been looking forward to designing a nursery for so long. Oh well, we'll see. It's not the most important part after all.
    Also, what is it with them kicking when we go to the bathroom? Maybe they enjoy the newly found space?

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    1. I totally understand if it is self-protection for your hubby. We will most likely have her sleep in our room too, so the way I see it there's no rush to have it finished quickly - but I also felt kind of weird doing nothing at all, so it felt good to take that first step of at least clearing the space. Maybe talk about some ideas with H and see how he reacts - sometimes one has to make the space mentally before the other things follow. Thanks for all the positive feedback! The hike wasn't a big hike lol....a nice little stroll in the woods really...but it is nice to see some nature now and then. Re movement, which she kicks/punches bladder I always think she's saying "hurry up...need more space now LOL"

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