Saturday 29 March 2014

San Diego sun and cloud

So. San Diego has been pretty good. This is my last day here and the week has gone by quickly, which makes me both happy and sad - happy because every week is an achievement for Ember (and me), sad because I'm not terribly excited to go back home to snow and cold and whatever I have to deal with in my real life.

I was anxious about coming on the trip, because I get anxious about everything, after all. Also I'm painfully aware of being unable to predict/control anything about the future, and by future I don't mean a year or two down the road, I mean like tomorrow. Or five minutes from now, depending on the day.

But the flight was quick and uneventful (hurrah for direct flights!) and when we landed it was soooo good to be in a warm place and to see green trees and tropical plants and cacti and grass. In-laws were warm and welcoming, the house we rented is beautiful (even if fixtures and appliances don't always work) and again - warmth and greenness. I spent Sunday and Monday relaxing, reading and thinking this was such a good idea. I found little, secret ways to embrace Ember. We went for a walk by the beach and looked at the sea lions and seals, and I allowed myself to ogle the mommy and baby seals and feel affinity with them. Incidentally, this affinity still does not extend to humans. I don't identify with pregnant strangers and/or families at all.  In fact I am quite resentful of them and intolerantly critical of people's parenting skills or lack of skill. I am not a horrible person; I'm self-aware enough to know it is a defense mechanism. But looking at animals makes me feel better and more normal. Animals are therapeutic.

Then there was Tuesday.

I went to the bathroom and there was blood.  It was dark brown and there was not a lot, but considering I have had almost none for two weeks it looked like a lot. I scuttled into bed with a roll of tp, threw my clothes in random directions and stayed there all day. I wasn't quite as panicked as the first time it happened, but my thoughts for several hours were some variation of fuck you universe. whywhywhywhywhy. In between I tried to achieve numbness, which was the only way to maintain calm, because, well, I have kinda learned how to do that in the past few weeks.

Meanwhile the bleeding would taper off to a small amount of spotting, then come out more strongly when I would got out of bed, which I only did to go to the bathroom. A couple of times I saw dark red mixed with the brown. By mid afternoon I was crying and whimpering I can't take this anymore. MIL came and held my hand, went over symptoms with me. Do you have cramping? No. Back pain? No. Heavy, bright red blood? No. Well then, everything is probably OK. "My stupid body won't give me a break," I told her. "Your stupid body proved all those fertility doctors wrong," she reminded me. I sipped juice and managed to kind of believe her, especially since I started feeling quite queasy by the evening.

By Wednesday there was very little bleeding, just the occasional, light brown spotting like I had at 5-8 weeks. But inside I felt like I had lived through the same gory car crash yet again. I was angry. I wanted someone to say something stupid or rude to me so I could yell at them, maybe hit them or throw something at them for good measure. Nobody did though. I calmed down eventually. But just for the record, people with miracle pregnancies can have anger issues too. I think part of my problem is that while I'm not the same as I was before the pregnancy (reduced body confidence and energy, weird symptoms that remind me I'm Not In Control) I also have a ton of uncertainty about how all this will turn out. There's still a little voice in my head saying "It's too good to be true." So I haven't been able to embrace a "new" identity. I think it is both unresolved infertility grief and the pregnancy complications. So I'm in a no-mans-land where I feel like I've lost my former physical confidence, but don't trust my body to create this baby successfully and help me morph into a mommy-person with baby. And I'm not really dealing with any of this because I keep bouncing from one crisis to another.

Still, by Thursday I was OK to start doing activities again. As Mr. Turtle observed to me once, "Suffering looks like it's awfully boring." He's right of course. We visited the zoo on Thursday, and the naval museums on Friday. Both were awesome. My energy and appetite peaks around the middle of the day so I was able to fully participate in everything except for the day I spent in bed. The one part of the trip I didn't enjoy at all, as I knew I wouldn't, was eating in restaurants. We went to three excellent restaurants, but my appreciation of food is inversely proportionate to the level of imagination in the preparation. I tucked into hot dogs at the zoo ravenously - so delicious! But tapas was torture. Worst of all was was the chef's table at a swanky golf course. I looked at the three course menu and wanted to cry. Oh God do we have to eat all this I can't make it I can't make it. I survived - eating one bite of side from every dish and carefully avoiding any kind of meat - yecch! -   and I actually enjoyed the dessert - chocolate mousse with berry reduction and fresh blueberries and raspberries. Too bad I couldn't just skip to that. In any case, I made myself go along so the family could be together, 'cause family is important. And I'm here writing this, so clearly I survived.

So. This is our last day in San Diego. Mr. Turtle and I took it easy and spent a lot of the day on a trail above the shoreline, which gave use an incredible view of the coastline. We could see and hear the surf below, and sound I find profoundly calming and relaxing. We read and went to a little cafe once for sandwiches. It was perfect.

Ember is 10 weeks 1 day today. I'm going to say that with confidence because hell, all these weird symptoms got to mean something is happening.  A few weeks ago, during the first crisis, I had a very wonderful intense email conversation with a friend. She wrote to me: "Keep hoping as long as there is reason to hope." That line has stuck in my head. And day by day I'm trying to live it.


14 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. thank you. I need those a lot lately. Hugs and support to you too.

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  2. I've been thinking of you. Your friend is right. There is reason to hope. And I am so sorry that the stupid bleeding came back. I just hate it for you. But I am so happy that you're moving right along. 10 weeks! In a couple more weeks you'll be in 2nd trimester and hopefully things will ease for a little and you can really enjoy being pregnant. It's a nice change of scene with sunshine and ocean, isn't it? Have a safe flight home!

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    1. thank you. It was a wonderful change in scenery. Back home it snowed all week and still is! I know, I'm really hoping that I'll reach a milestone where I can truly let some of the fear go and focus on becoming the person I need to be for the next stage of life. In the meantime I guess I'm handling it although it feels like I'm not.

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  3. Gah!! Why? Why more bleeding? I'm sorry to hear that your trip was darkened, but glad you had lots of sun too. Congrats on 10 weeks!

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    1. I know, why. Why just when I was developing a little confidence. But, the truth is there are no answers to those questions, and I have the choice to either let it destroy me (sometimes it does) or to endure and focus on the positive. The worst case scenario is always the easiest one to imagine, but it's not necessarily the truest.

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  4. Er, I'm sorry for the extra bleeding. Especially when away from home, that's just scary. But glad that your trip went well overall. I love the quotes both from your friend and your husband. Hang in there.

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    1. Thanks, same to you! I'm so lucky that the people closest to me know how to throw me these lifelines.

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  5. Oh you're back in the frozen north by now, but I hope that all is going well with Ember. I can't imagine how stressful it is to have these bleeding episodes, but your MIL is right, everything is probably OK. And your friend is right, as long as there is reason to hope, you should keep hoping. Thinking of you.

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    1. Thank you! Yep, the north was pretty froze when we returned, but optimistic that this week is bringing a thaw. And hoping my scared little heart can thaw a bit too.

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  6. A holiday is always good, even if it does come with poor food options.
    . On the bleeding- you had an SCH? When I did my frantic googling last year, I think the bleeding could continue until week 16 or so. Which isn't much of a comfort, I know- but it isn't a guarantee that things have gone wrong.
    Fingers crossed

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    1. Yes, SCH is the most likely explanation. But when it happens and I don't know what the outcome will be, if it will get worse or not, it's really hard to reassure myself. The worst case scenario is always the easiest one to picture. But like you say, there isn't a guarantee that things have gone wrong. Which is such a backwards kind of reassurance but it is true, eh? Pregnancy is sure different from what I imagined though. I thought it would feel like I had crossed a hurdle and now it feels like the biggest hurdle of all - the scariest thing I have ever attempted in my life.

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  7. That is a WONDERFUL mantra. Also wonderful: warm and green. We've been taking breaks outside just so I can feel the sun during its brief forays out in the open, rather than behind the clouds. I am *such* a sun worshipper..

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    1. Thank you. Mantras are what I live by these days - my answer to the constant doubt and fear in my mind. I can't make it go away but I can push it to the side where I don't have to look at it all the time, and most days that is enough. We came back to Canada from warmth and green and found snow and cold and no sun - which lasted a week - people here are so sick of winter! but finally the past 2 days the sun is out - I think I will try to follow your example!

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