Saturday 1 February 2014

New day

January is my least favourite month of the year. I had hoped that perhaps January 2014 would be different. That it would be the month IVF worked. That it would be the month I stopped stressing over too many things. That I would look back on it as the time good things started happening. And many good things did happen. Taken altogether, I don't want to wish away any of my life; it's too precious.

Still, I'm hardly going to look back on the events of last month with fondness. Things could have gone differently, but they didn't, they went how they went.  And I won't pretend to be past it yet; I was doing pretty good with moving on from the failed IVF, but then the burglary happened and the feeling of fear and personal violation has made it harder to cope with the other challenges, too. Nothing has changed in the rational analysis of things; we have a path to walk and we are ready to walk it.  But in the past few days I've had a lot of emotions; my appetite has gone down, and I tire easily.  I think what I'm doing right is recognizing and asking for what I need, day to day, and also accepting that every day is different. Maybe I am upset one day for an hour, but the next day, the morning is great. And then in the afternoon things are hard again but I need something different from the previous day. So it goes.

Yesterday my co-teacher gave me a crocus, and a card where she wrote this poem:

"Be gone January 2014!
You cast cold, dark shadows into undeserving lives.
But after today, you are no more.
The sun's rays are gathering strength
Reaching into sorrowful corners
Lightening, brightening
Renewing with the warmth of love."

Yes.

10 comments:

  1. I love that poem from your co-teacher. It's hard to live through the ups and downs after a failed cycle, but I agree that wishing your life away is counter productive. You're doing the right thing by listening to yourself and being honest about what you need at any given moment. It's a roller coaster for sure.

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    1. Thank you :-) It's good to know that people understand! it helps with the dizzy, anguished feeling I get sometimes (thankfully not too often) that I am going to go mad, all by myself. And I am very happy for you for your FET results. Always wishing you the best!

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  2. I'm so sorry about the burglary, I must have missed that post.
    The poem and flower from your co-worker are very kind. I'm hoping that there are happier months ahead.

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  3. Lovely poem from your co-teacher. While you have those moments that aren't so good, I am so happy for you that there are good moments as well. I hope that you'll have more and more good moments and things are looking up in the near future. January was definitely difficult.

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    1. it certainly was. Hoping things get better and that we can just have some peace in the mean time.

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  4. That's a lovely poem. I'm ready for the light, too. I'm so sorry for the burglary--it is such a violation. And then to feel like the universe is kicking you when you're down seems doubly unfair. But yes, do take care of yourself. Listen to yourself and give yourself permission to do/not do what is needed while you gain strength.

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  5. What a thoughtful card! February is always my sister's hardest month so I always try to do something nice for her. I'm glad people are looking out for you, and I hope your path is clear and bright. <3

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    1. thank you. everything is better when we take care of each other.

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