Tuesday 14 January 2014

Aftermath

Today we had the follow-up ultrasound. On Sunday, the ultrasound had shown no response to the Flare IVF  protocol.  The doctor who looked up my lady  parts recommended cancellation two days ago, but we chose to finish the medication and go back for another scan today. I was looking forward to this ultrasound the same way I look forward to a funeral.

The past two days have been tough. We told a few people - my inlaws, my immediate colleagues - mainly because we had arrangements to see and talk to them and it would have been quite impossible to hide the feelings or talk inconsequentially about foolish things.

I went to work on Monday and did OK - but felt tired all the time and had frequent headache/stomachache. And always the feeling of thick sadness and disappointment right at my center. It was like I was wearing a big sticky burr that picked up all kinds of random debris from my daily life till it it formed a giant sadness collage.

For example....When I went to my dance class on Monday, I had to walk past a bunch of children in the hallway. They were all over the benches and floor, getting ready for ballet, highland, or Irish dance class. Girls (sisters?) braiding each other's hair, chattering, the sound of feet coming from the studios. Now, for whatever reason when I imagine my own baby, I almost always picture a boy. But yesterday, seeing all the little girls made me think I would never have a daughter to take to dance class like my mother took me. No getting dressed in tights and leotards, no making costumes for recitals, no tiny pink or black slippers....it was devastating. Of course I realize that even if I had a daughter, she may not want to take dance classes, and then none of that might happen anyway, and I'm completely fine with that....but.......yeah.

And then this morning we drove past a Christian gift store on the way to the clinic. In  the window was a  poster advertising "More selection! - for baptism, first communion, confirmation"...  Neither myself nor Mr. Turtle is Catholic, and we have no plans to participate in any of those rituals. But the list made me think about birth, and growing up, and all the milestones of family and childhood that we have, regardless of religion or lack thereof. And again it was reminder of what we might not have, and certainly won't have as a result of this failed cycle.

The scan at The Fertility Clinic shows no change from Sunday. No response to the protocol. And when I say no response, I mean NO RESPONSE. In fact things looked worse in this scan than in the scan that confirmed the Diminished Ovarian Reserve diagnosis in  May last year. On that scan I had four follicles and a 9mm lining. After doing Flare Protocol, I have two tiny follicles on one ovary, and uterine lining of 2.5mm. Only a giant middle finger on the ultrasound screen could have given a clearer message.

On the good side, everyone at the clinic took good care of us today. This was a great improvement from Sunday, when I felt confused and neglected. First I had to wait in the ultrasound room for 45 minutes because the attending doctor was called to do some other procedure. Then she came in, probed about with the dildo cam for a few minutes - it was very painful for some reason that day - then summarily announced from between my naked legs that there was no response and that usually in these cases the cycle is cancelled. I think I made some intelligent response like "Oh I see." We then went home and got a call an hour later from the nurse that the bloodwork confirmed no response. She asked if I had "discussed" cancellation with Dr. ------? Um, sure. Exactly when were we supposed to have discussed anything? Behind the sadness and disappointment about the cycle, I felt a bit irritated that after paying nearly $9000 to the clinic (not including drugs) we weren't given 20 minutes to sit down with a doctor - fully clothed - and discuss the protocol and the results. I imagine that the doctors see this all the time and it's obvious to them, but it's different when it's your body and your hopes for a family. After a bit of phone tag with the clinic, I  was able to get my questions answered, but I wasn't very impressed.

Things were better today. Mr. Turtle came into the ultrasound room with me, so that he knew everything as soon as I did and I didn't have to leave him in suspense or talk about it in the waiting room. The clinic booked us in for an appointment with the counsellor today, which we hadn't even asked for, but it was a good idea. AND I was able to book a follow-up appointment with Dr. Cotter (who prescribed the Flare Protocol) for this Thursday. I was shocked as we've never been able to get an appointment with her less than four weeks in advance. I've very glad we do not have to wait an eternity to meet with her, ask questions, and discuss options for the future. All of that makes me feel better, despite the cancelled cycle. And yes, we will get most of the money back, not that I am attached to it for its own sake. I would happily have given all that money, twice that much, if this cycle could have succeeded. But it doesn't work that way, and whatever the future holds, we'll find a use for it.

The counsellor was helpful. I cried a little. I'm not a crier, but it had to come out. I think I cried the hardest when she asked what kind of supports we had in our lives. We talked about our family, a few close friends that we've shared with. And then I told her I blog, and that the other women - Dear bloggers, I meant to say that the other women - all of you - were such a big help and support, but I couldn't finish the sentence. I just rained tears and snot. And then croaked out that sometimes talking about kind people made me more sad.  Which is true, but you make things better too. And now there are tears and snot on my keyboard.

I do feel better now that things are finished and we've had a chance to talk and process a little. I'm still very tired but I feel able to engage with the world a little bit.

Thank you to everyone for your compassion and suggestions in  the comments of other blogs to read as well as questions to ask the clinic. It is all very much appreciated and I will look into those things as we move forward.

16 comments:

  1. Oh hun, I am so, so sorry. Your description of the girls getting ready for dance class made me tear up. I can't stop believing that somehow, some way, you and Mr. Turtle are going to be parents one day. I wish I had something more helpful to say, but I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you.

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    1. Thanks Annie, you are helpful. Yes, I think we'll get there somehow too; we just have setbacks to overcome! I am thinking of you too and hoping all is continuing to go well.

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  2. Oh girl. I am so so sorry. But then not all hope is lost. It is definitely disappointing that this is not the protocol for you (as we all want the first IVF to work). But it doesn't mean that other ones wouldn't. I have been on the antagonist protocol and it has been giving me some follicles which match my AFC. I was also on lower dosage and on Femara. So there are other ways to go about it. I am so so sorry that you have to endure the pain and heartache of a cancelled cycle. I went through it myself and it is hellish. It is so horrible. You feel so so sad about the future. But you will feel better. I think you're doing very well. You're a strong person and it will pass. I also have a problem with discussing about important matters with your nake butt and legs wide spread. I often ask to get dressed first before I can talk in dignity with my RE. I am so so glad that you get to talk to a counselor and also get to have an appointment with your RE sooner rather than later. I will be here for you whenever you need me. Just ping me, okay?

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    1. Thanks! Heh, I'm glad I'm not the only one who has an issue with having serious discussions with no pants on. That's one thing I didn't think of at all before starting treatments - am I comfortable making decisions about my cycle while in shock and naked from the waist down? I would like to hear about your protocol. I found the article on estrogen priming protocol and plan to bring that to the meeting with Dr. Cotter. I am not sure how to ping but I'll look for your contact info on your blog lol.

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  3. I'm so sorry, it's so hard. Seeing kids can definitely be a trigger for my heart.

    I'm so glad that you met with a counselor and are meeting with the doctor. I think different protocols really can make a difference.

    As can support, even if it's the online kind. We haven't shared with many people that we're going through IVF. In some ways, it's more isolating. But after multiple losses, I just don't have the heart to tell people, and then answer questions since it's not going well. So silent I stay. And that means that all the online support means all the more! We're here to listen!

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    1. Thank you. Yes, even while I want support from my important IRL people, it is a bit stressful to talk to many of them because I always wonder if they will "get it" or if I'll have to educate them/deal with their fears, worries and superstitions while trying to stay calm and deal with all my feelings. I appreciate the encouragement to ask more questions about protocols.

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  4. This post brought tears to my eyes. I had the exact same experience in the waiting room at my dance school last year, when my hip hop class was cruelly scheduled at the same time as baby ballet. 2 and 3 year old girls in pink tights, some of whom were pretty bold and came up to me to chat while I was warming up. I couldn't stand the thought of not getting to do that with my own daughter. It's horrible. I'm so sorry.

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    1. I'm sorry too. :-( The little ones are so adorable, and heartbreaking - if your heart is already hurting.

      Here's to dreams coming true - even if it is in a different way than we first imagined.

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  5. I am so sorry. It's so frustrating when a cycle doesn't work as expected. The counselor was a good thing for them to do- Australian clinics are required (!) to provide access to one as part of the process, and it is so important.

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    1. Thanks Persnickety. I haven't got to the frustration part yet I think - still feeling sad and a bit worried. However the forward-looking, strategic part of my brain is already jumping ahead to what-it-all-means and next steps. And I suppose one good thing is now we know what doesn't work. Thank you for reading and the comment. I love your alias / blog name - I will check it out.

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  6. I am so sorry. This post made me so sad. I am glad you have a good support system and a counsellor to talk to. I will be sending you many positive vibes for the upcoming months. xo

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    1. Thank you Gypsy Mama. I really appreciate the positive vibes! hope everything continues to go great with you.

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  7. Wish I could be physically there for you.... Nobody should have to go through this. Hope crying it out was therapeutic for you, and give yourself a good pampering. Looking forward to hearing about what Dr Cotter says.

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    1. Thank you so much.Yes, it's pretty miserable. But I do feel cared for and supported - doesn't mean it hurts less, but I feel like I will pull through. Will continue to post updates. Thank you again for reading and posting.

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  8. I remember so clearly how awful I felt after my cycle was cancelled. That was one of my lower points. I hope that your appointment goes well today and that your Dr is receptive to trying a different protocol. I know how hard this is, but I'm thinking about you and hoping for the best.

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    1. Thank you, we are doing OK! appreciate all the good thoughts.

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