Actually, the title is not quite accurate. I'm well into the luteal phase of a (self) monitored cycle, and I have a pretty good idea of when I ovulated (or attempted to ovulate). But I'm not quite ready to bring back crazy: that is, counting cycle days from believed day of ovulation, followed by recalculating day of ovulation based on new interpretation of the (scanty) evidence,symptom spotting while assuring myself I am not symptom spotting but nevertheless doing it, followed by the times when I convince myself that it is entirely believable and possible that I am pregnant, because, well, I don't know, maybe all the people who (still) say "It will happen - don't worry" are actually right. They totally could be right. It will just happen. Crazy.
No, I haven't brought back crazy. Yet. Probably will do that this weekend.
In the meantime, life is pretty good. Work is busy (of course) but so far going fine. (I teach high school special education.) I had a lot of anxious people in my former group of students. We did good work together over 3 years and they grew a lot as people, but they definitely brought a nervous buzz to the classroom that so far does not seem to be present with my new group. I like it. Of course, it's early days. There's still plenty of time for epic drama.
Artsy activities started this week. Monday was my first stepdancing class of the fall. For your entertainment, here's a clip from a year and half ago of my class dancing at a festival. (I am second from right, in bright blue top)
Also today I went to my first band rehearsal with Mr. Turtle. I am doing a higher level band this year than previously. I have played euphonium with this group before, but I switched to a lower level last year to learn more percussion. This year I thought I might play percussion and maybe a little euphonium in the more advanced group (Grade 3.5 to 4.5). It's definitely a push for me, but the band rehearses very close to our house and Mr. Turtle and I can be in the same group. I no longer want to commute across the city (which I have to do by bus and train and walking because we are a 1 car household.) So, we'll see.
Tonight we sight read (meaning: director gave us 6 pieces of music we may have never seen before) and we did our best to play them. I admit I was fairly terrified. The director knows me; in fact he was the one who first taught me music as an adult, 7 years ago. The group are all nice people. But it's still intimidating to perform a skill in front of a room of adults with very little preparation. And I realized (again) that it is impossible to hide when you are playing percussion instruments. This is to some degree true of all instruments, but at least in other sections of the band, there are usually people playing the same instrument, and you can blend your sound together and hope they cover up your mistakes. Doesn't work that way in percussion. Right or not, ready or not, you're loud and you stand out. It is quite impossible to indulge in introspection, self-doubt or shyness when you are playing snare drum or crash cymbals. It just can't be done.
That's part of the reason I like percussion: it forces me to take risks which means that I am motivated to work on my parts and become a better musician.
So what is the point of this post? Yes, we are (for lack of any other plan at the moment) cycling naturally and therefore bringing back crazy every month. (In my life, cycling and crazy go together. I'm not even going to try to be rational or realistic. Screw that. Who cares if I'm rational or not? The outcome will be what it is regardless of whether my thoughts were sensible or fantastic.) The thing is, I still have good things going on in my life. I want to continue to develop as a professional and a person this year, and not let the IF (totally) get in the way of that. Although I decided (with no regrets) to stay in my current job mainly because of the IF diagnosis and uncertainty about the future, I want to do more professional development and challenge myself this year, hopefully adding a few points to my CV (which I've barely looked at since 2008). I don't have a baby yet but I am going to be what I've always wanted to be: a person that contributes and that matters. And I'm going to grin like a fiend and ask everyone who has any to tell me all about their kids and grandkids and nephews and nieces and fetuses in all stages of gestation, because the best defense is a good freakin' offense.
Anyone else starting off the fall by bringing back crazy, or other plans?
**Update: a few days after writing this I found Infertile Myrtle's meditation "Infertile does not equal Incomplete." She writes more directly on the themes I was rambling my way toward. Great Post!