Monday 8 May 2017

#Microblog Mondays: Bigger Picture

Continuing on with the "what would it be like to stop TTC" thoughts. (The bookend to this is "what would it be like to try DE IVF" but that one's big and weird and has to cook for a bit longer....)


When I think about possibly ceasing to actively TTC, one of the more uncomfortable emotional areas is "what would this mean for my career?" Or more broadly, how would I conceptualize the Rest of My Life without TTC diverting a ton of emotional energy, time, and mental space. (Because it does, oh it does.)


Four years ago I wrote a blog entry about how weird it felt to consider work goals when the future held uncertainty about how our family would look, what it might take to get there and how this would affect us. "Next year will not be a good time to...."  In the intervening years, what I wrote about there has remained basically true. Obviously, some things have changed, but what hasn't changed is that I don't feel inclined to commit to anything very ambitious at work while we are actively trying to grow our family. I have a goal for my class every year; I get involved in some different extra curricular activities, but I haven't seriously considered a major change like teaching a different program, getting my masters, changing jobs, etc. (I did change jobs two years ago but that was not by choice. It's not the same.)  But as the years have gone by I admit that has become less of a conscious decision, and more something I've accepted. Partly that's because I don't like angst any more than the average person (maybe less) so if the status quo is OK, fine and good. But part of it has maybe become avoidance. Because when I think about not trying to conceive any longer, and the fact that that means I could reassess my career, I feel....rather nervous.


Contemplating life with one child, same result. I have sort of an expectation that if we have a second child, I would not continue working full time. In other words, it would be a major career interruption. I don't know if that's true or not, but I'm aware of my limits and I recognize that full time teaching with two young children just might not be doable. And in theory at least I'm OK with that sacrifice. So why put a lot of energy into developing a career I might take a break from anyway? But on the other hand, working and parenting one child is so far not too overwhelming, which maybe means....I could do more? Should I do more? Should I actually think about what I want?


Hmmmmm. Here I go, actually trying to think about things.


Microblog Mondays

6 comments:

  1. These are the far-reaching effects of infertility that the general public never considers. It affects everything.

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    1. Oh gosh yes. The thought of trying to untangle fertility from the rest of my life makes my head spin. But it's something I'll have to do sometime, so I should get used to the idea.

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  2. Oh, so many what ifs for sure. I have made decisions at school based on the possibility of going out on a (nonexistent) maternity leave, and have missed chances to do curriculum writing, or go to a district-sponsored out of town conference. I have refused to fill out my plan book past when a cycle would result in maternity leave. So I get it, that feeling of putting things on hold at work in case there is a change, and because emotionally you're just tapped. I think with the one-child vs two-children thing with taking an extended leave, you have to do what you think is right for you -- I knew a teacher who took two years off when her daughter turned two, and she said it was the best decision she ever made personally because that time was so full of development and fun things to do. She didn't have two children. It's hard to know what the right thing is to do, but writing it out and processing all the options certainly helps, or at least I hope it does! Best to you and all the thinking. So. Much. Thinking.

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    1. Thank you for reminding me not to create binary oppositions where they don't exist. :-) I think in my case, by the time I work up the courage to make a decision, I've pretty much already made the decision...it's that anticipation and fear of change that gets in the way. Something the Dr. Peterson lecture might be helping with. :-)

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  3. I've adopted the approach of planning for what is most likely to happen, which in my case has been not getting pregnant and not working out. That sounds depressing, but it makes it easier for me when things don't work out. I think now about what would have happened if we bagged our travel plans because I was pregnant when I left. I'd be so disappointed. And here we are -- I'm no longer pregnant. Similarly, I've signed up for a marathon in September and started training. Do I hope I can only do the 1/2 or 10K because I'm pregnant? Of course. But if I'm not, I'll be happy to have something else to look forward to. I considered not taking a job opportunity when we were first trying to get pregnant because I was at a company that was very flexible and understanding about my doctor's appointments, but I took the job because it was good for my career and it all worked out.

    I'm just rambling and giving you personal anecdotes, which is probably annoying. I guess my unsolicited advice is to do what you would want to do if your family situation stays the same. If something changes, your plans can change, but you don't want to look back in a few years and have even more "what ifs". At least, that is how I feel about it.

    I hope this isn't coming across as annoying or judgmental or anything else.

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    1. Personal anecdotes are good, because they illustrate "this is how I think and this is how I act based on that." I have let TTC become a way of avoiding dealing with other questions. There isn't anything wrong with prioritizing family, but it should be a conscious decision. I'm in the process of coming to a deeper understanding of how I think. It's getting exciting, which is the best motivation for continuing.

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