Mr. Turtle is an counsellor, and graduate student of psychology. So, a bit of an expert on why people do the things they do, which is a useful skill to have in a family.
The other day we were talking about the lottery and why people buy lottery tickets. I don't buy lottery tickets. I would rather spend my money on something tangible or save it up for something tangible in the future. I probably made some comment along the lines of "I don't understand why people think buying lottery tickets is a good idea."
Mr. Turtle's answer: It's not that people are convinced they are going to win ten million dollars or whatever it is. But in between buying the lottery ticket and finding out they didn't win anything, they can imagine what it would be like to win the lottery. What they are really buying with every lottery ticket is hope.
I probably shook my head at Humanity and went on with my day. Until it occurred to me that I have much the same attitude toward trying for a baby. I have some real hope that we can get pregnant again without treatments. But my intense emotional need to "try" every cycle has much in common with playing the lottery. In between the attempts, and getting the The Period (or much less frequently, a negative test), I can imagine what it would be like to be pregnant again. And yes I do, every time. No matter how unpromising the prospects, there's usually a day or two when I can convince myself that It Really Might Have Happened.
Yeah, only for about a day or two lately. The fertility situation is crappy. 17 days. 20 days. The last promising one was 26 days, and we didn't get pregnant. I'm still kind of sad about that. I tend to look back at every cycle over 25 days and wonder if that was my last good egg, and we missed our only chance for another child. I'm pretty sure this is crazy. I do it anyway.
We have an appointment scheduled with The Fertility Clinic for the first week of July. One advantage of already having a file: they responded to our doctor's referral within a couple of days, rather than a couple of months. I didn't expect to hear from them so soon and was actually kind of dismayed. I was relieved to hear that the appointment is a couple of months away, though. It gives us some time to mull over our feelings on the matter.
And a few more chances to play the lottery.