Thursday, 29 October 2015

A trip around the sun

I already wrote about AJ's official birthday celebration, but I can't let today go without an acknowledgement. I had notions of setting an alarm at 4:32am to be awake for the anniversary of her big entrance, but sleep is too sweet to interrupt on ceremony. (AJ has been a good sleeper the past couple of months, but one can't take things for granted, and sometimes I'm a worse sleeper: if I wake up I'm not going back down.)

So many things I could say, so many things I feel, so many media and art projects I could do/finish to keep as a souvenir: but then there's reality.

What I did do:

  • Typical early morning routine with AJ, but a little more lighthearted than usual. (Early mornings are the hardest part of my day, emotionally: it's when I feel most conflicted and anxious.) AJ wore her dress up dress for the day.
  • Had the best morning at school that I could: did crafts with the students, participated in Halloween events.
  • I took the afternoon off. The reason was that AJ had eye and doctor appointments, but that didn't mean I wasn't going to also enjoy the afternoon. Before picking up AJ from daycare I went to the grocery store deli and bought myself a yummy lunch: butter chicken, salad, naan bread, orange pop. Then I went home and ate it while reading a magazine.
  • Picked AJ up from daycare and headed off to appointments, squeezing in a little bit of shopping for myself. Appointments were a little frustrating since everyone was running late. But it all worked out and you'd think the doctor was the most exciting thing ever, because AJ was so happy.
  • Then off to my parent's place. Mr Turtle and my brother met us there. We had dinner and did FaceTime with my other brother out of town, so he and my dad could share some birthday fun with AJ.
  • Everyone was being brave- or faking it - but we were all sad and uneasy, because my dad's most recent news was not too good. We still don't know the whole picture or treatment plan, but at least a couple of doctors have said that cure may be not possible, which means discussion of controlling vs removing, and a lifespan with a limit.

...of course we all have a limit on our lives, but nobody really wants to hear what it is. Everybody knows we have to say goodbye to our loved ones one day, but we don't want it to be now, or next week, or in six months, or even next year, to be honest.

I remember particularly the first time my parents met AJ. It was our second day in the hospital. They were over the moon with excitement, of course. But I particularly remember my dad talking to AJ about all the things he was going to do with her in the future: cycling, sailing, going to the opera. I remember finding this touching and funny and awkward and a little bit frightening: because who knows how much time we really have? I wanted us to all live in the present. (Of course as the mom of a newborn the present was about all I could handle.) But still I hate being right. My parents have never wasted their time or opportunities, never given anything but their whole hearts to each other and their family. It makes the thought of their time being cut short that much more sad.

And my mom almost went to pieces when we were about to leave and she remembered we hadn't taken photos. (We took them.)

AJ fell asleep in the car and after an short interlude of inevitable irritation at being woken up for bedtime routine (done as quickly as possible) went peacefully back to sleep. I'll try to follow her example.

12 comments:

  1. So sorry to the news about your dad wasn't great. Hopefully there will be better news down the line. Cancer is so horrible, especially when it hits so close to home. My thoughts are with you and Mr. Turtle and AJ- hugs to you all. xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks. Hugs certainly help, real and virtual!

      Delete
  2. Happy birthing-day to you. And may every day that you are all together be a gift and a celebration, hard as it is to know that there isn't as much time as you may want to have. Sending love to you all ...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks. That's what I hope for too.

      Delete
  3. My heart breaks that your family is going through this. It sounds like your parents had such wonderful intentions of being the best grandparents they could be, and of course anything could happen, but this.. I'm so sorry, hon. Iff you ever need to talk, I'm here.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks ☺️ I know they will be wonderful grandparents however long they have.

      Delete
  4. I'm so sorry about your dad...I'll be hoping for the best for your family!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks I appreciate. We are so lucky to have each other, it's so hard to imagine it any other way.

      Delete
  5. Happy birthday to AJ, it sounded like a lovely day. I'm so sorry that there wasn't better news for your dad. I hope that there is still hope to be had and the limits aren't looming.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, we don't know yet what exactly will happen; we get one piece of information at a time and deal with it. I don't dare hope and I don't dare not hope....

      Delete
  6. Oh, I'm so sorry to hear about your dad. Such news are always hard, but I imagine getting them when AJ is still so little may be even harder. I hope you'll still have a lot of time together, and that you can use it to make many memories.
    I don't remember my maternal grandfather, he died unexpectedly when I was 3-4. But there are pictures clearly showing how he doted on me :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, we have many great photos and will get many more! Though of course I would rather A J had her own memories. And my parents waited so long for a grandchild...sigh well we can't control what life throws at us.

      Delete