Wednesday, 30 September 2015

We don't know the future (reminder number ten thousand and one)

September has been the kind of month that reminds me of our mortal, flawed, limited nature.

I've had a few minor health issues. Your average colds and flus, except last weekend I had a slightly more exotic affliction in the form of a clitoral abscess. Ahem, yes, do take a minute and picture that.  It wasn't serious, but very very painful and required surgery. I had my first experience of general anesthetic. (Not as scary as I thought it would be. I thought it would feel like fainting/losing consciousness, a sensation that terrifies me, but it was more like waking up from a deep sleep.)

I was going to write about that experience, but then we got the news about my dad and it seemed trivial by comparison. My dad was just diagnosed with cancer of the esophagus. We don't know what stage it is yet; those tests are still taking place. As you might remember my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer earlier this year. Hers was very small and asymptomatic, however, and after treatment there is no evidence of the cancer. My dad's already feels more ominous because he does have symptoms, although not severe ones.

The past week we have been slowly mentally/emotionally adjusting our lives to accept these new realities and unknowns.

And there are my menstrual cycles / our efforts to conceive / body image / sexuality .... it's all sort of mixed up in my mind. The flashbacks to AJ's birth: those constantly go through my mind. I suppose it is inevitable as it is now the season of her birth.  The reminders are everywhere. The hospital brought back a lot of those memories. Not so much the memories that form a narrative, but the kind that lend texture to the narrative.  The sight of a bed, a hallway, an operating room, all that equipment and ritual. The strange sensation of other people sharing the responsibility for my body. My mind on drugs and the resulting peculiar judgments.

All of it has made fertility and the potential for pregnancy even more urgent. I'm not so much pondering whether or not it can happen, but feeling like I have to seize hold of the possibility. With all my body and mind. I guess it's the thoughts of mortality and feeling like I need to do something to strike back against it.

AJ is doing great; it is already time for her 11 month update. I will try to write that soon!

24 comments:

  1. so sorry to hear of your dad'd diagnosis. Wishing the best for him

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    1. thanks. Not the news anyone wants to get.

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  2. so sorry friend. so sorry for your surgery you had to have and your dad's cancer. sending you hugs!

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    1. thank you. It's tough but we will do the best we can every day

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  3. Oh my gosh, so much going on! Prayers for your whole family. That's a lot to deal with.

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    1. thank you! much appreciated. I know, it's felt like one thing after another for a while.

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  4. I am sorry to hear about your dad- hopefully they have caught it early. I am glad you were able to easily fix your abscess and the surgery went smoothly (that sounds like the most painful thing ever!).

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    1. yah, the abscess was all kinds of nasty. I hope that there are good treatment options for my dad too.

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  5. Oh my gosh that all sounds so scary! I'm sorry you had to deal with that and I hope for good news about your dad, the best news possible in this scenario. If you want to get your mind off of things we'd love a playdate!

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    1. thank you. All we can do is live day by day and be good to each other. Oooh, playdate would be fun. This weekend we have a photo shoot but maybe in the next couple of weeks? would love to see the boys.

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  6. Yowzers! Hope your lady bits have recovered. Sounds very unpleasant.

    Awful news about your dad. Hope he's got a good medical team and an oncology dietitian to help keep him nourished if it's impacting his eating. Will keep your family in my thoughts.

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    1. Thanks. Yes, lady bits are doing well. The abscess wasn't quite( the level of labour pain, but it was up there. Thank goodness for (relatively) quick surgery and anesthetic. My dad will be meeting his medical team in the next few weeks. You make a good point about diet; I know he hasn't been eating much. It would be good to get advice on that.

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  7. That sounds like the worst place to have an abscess, ever. I'm glad the surgery wasn't as scary as you'd thought and that all is well again with your lady parts. I am so, so very sorry to hear of your dad's diagnosis. I hope that as more information unfolds, that there are good options for treatment. Your family has just had one hit after another. Thinking of you all.

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    1. Thanks, much appreciated. It's always hard to wait for information that will drastically change one's life expectations and intentions. We carry on with our normal lives always feeling like it might be a sham. But all we really have is today.

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  8. Long time follower, first comment. We have experienced a lot of the same things, including recent esophageal cancer diagnosis in our dads. We are a couple months ahead of y'all, so please contact me if you need a friend in this!

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    1. Thanks, I really appreciate that. I will check out your blog. Really glad you left a comment.

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  9. So sorry you have so much stressful stuff going on. Wishing all the best for your Dad and everyone. xo

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    1. Thank you. Every good thought makes me feel a little stronger.

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  10. Oh my, that's a lot to have on your plate. You are in my thoughts.

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  11. Sorry for your health troubles this month and I'm really sorry about your dad--I hope you find that it's treatable and his health improves. Infertility just pops up everywhere, even when it's not a current obstacle, sorry about that.

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    1. Thanks for the thoughts. Yes, I'm hoping hard too: AJ is so lucky to have 3 sets of grandparents and they adore her and I want her to have memories of all of them. Fertility is so much on my mind: I think it has a lot to do with contemplating the cycle of life. There's a lot of emotions mixed up in there.

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  12. Oh hon, this year! Hoping your patents both recover well and stay well. As for you, that sounds AWFUL. General definitely freaked me out, and it was unsettling waking up, but not as bad as I thought it would be.

    I'm thinking of you and your family. Hoping lightning strikes twice and you're soon lucky enough to have a second miracle xoxo

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    1. Well, my dad's scan showed no evidence of spread, so that's good news considering circumstances. Thank you for the optimism: it's encouraging!

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