September has been the kind of month that reminds me of our mortal, flawed, limited nature.
I've had a few minor health issues. Your average colds and flus, except last weekend I had a slightly more exotic affliction in the form of a clitoral abscess. Ahem, yes, do take a minute and picture that. It wasn't serious, but very very painful and required surgery. I had my first experience of general anesthetic. (Not as scary as I thought it would be. I thought it would feel like fainting/losing consciousness, a sensation that terrifies me, but it was more like waking up from a deep sleep.)
I was going to write about that experience, but then we got the news about my dad and it seemed trivial by comparison. My dad was just diagnosed with cancer of the esophagus. We don't know what stage it is yet; those tests are still taking place. As you might remember my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer earlier this year. Hers was very small and asymptomatic, however, and after treatment there is no evidence of the cancer. My dad's already feels more ominous because he does have symptoms, although not severe ones.
The past week we have been slowly mentally/emotionally adjusting our lives to accept these new realities and unknowns.
And there are my menstrual cycles / our efforts to conceive / body image / sexuality .... it's all sort of mixed up in my mind. The flashbacks to AJ's birth: those constantly go through my mind. I suppose it is inevitable as it is now the season of her birth. The reminders are everywhere. The hospital brought back a lot of those memories. Not so much the memories that form a narrative, but the kind that lend texture to the narrative. The sight of a bed, a hallway, an operating room, all that equipment and ritual. The strange sensation of other people sharing the responsibility for my body. My mind on drugs and the resulting peculiar judgments.
All of it has made fertility and the potential for pregnancy even more urgent. I'm not so much pondering whether or not it can happen, but feeling like I have to seize hold of the possibility. With all my body and mind. I guess it's the thoughts of mortality and feeling like I need to do something to strike back against it.
AJ is doing great; it is already time for her 11 month update. I will try to write that soon!