Tuesday 15 September 2015

Intersecting Roads

A couple of minutes from our home there's a major intersection. We drive one way or another through this intersection most times that we leave the house. Lately I've started to think of this intersection as a metaphor for my mind.
  • The south road goes to AJ's daycare. Across the street from the daycare is my old school.
  • The west road goes to my new school. 
  • The east road is the one we take the least often. There are some big box stores in that direction where we occasionally shop. But it also leads to the maternity clinic where I went for about six months while I was pregnant, and that is what I usually think of when I look in that direction.
  • The north road, of course, leads home.
So, let's go down each of these roads.

South:
Of course we are very preoccupied with AJ's transition to daycare. We are lucky in that it seems to be going smoothly. She is happy to go; she eats, sleeps, poops and plays there like the happiest baby in the neighbourhood. The first time she went, Mr. Turtle stayed with her 15 minutes then picked her up at 2:30. Since then she has gone almost every day for a full day from 9:00ish to about 4:30.  I was very worried about how she would adapt to not having the breast during the day, but it doesn't seem to matter to her. We get reports emailed to us and sent to our phones, and it's reassuring (if a little discombobulating) to see her carrying on her baby life without either of us. Of course, next month it will become my job to drop her off and pick her up. I hope that doesn't change things too much.

I found myself missing my old school a lot during my first week back at work, and I was a bit surprised by that. I expected to miss AJ, but I didn't think I would miss my former workplace. The people at my new school have been welcoming and helpful, but I still wanted the familiar environment. I missed my teaching colleague who has become a trusted friend; my other colleagues; the students I had worked with. I even missed the things that I disliked, the issues I fought over with people for years, because that was part of my role: it was part of what made me belong. I haven't figured out yet how I belong at my new school, and even though I know intellectually what my role is, I feel un-moored emotionally. I'm hypersensitive about how people are relating to me and fret over proving myself to people (I'm like this anyway; it's accentuated now.)

 I also miss the feeling that people know me and my history.  My last half year at my old school I was pregnant with AJ. My close colleagues knew about the fertility issues and what I was going through during the pregnancy. They were genuinely sad and happy with me through the various bumps on the road, and as parents themselves their support of me as a becoming/new parent meant a lot. I wish they were still there to "welcome" me back and share this part of the journey, too. Of course I need to make connections at my new workplace, and I will: I just miss that feeling of walking into a room and seeing someone I don't have to explain everything to.

West:
Things have been going fine at the new school. I don't have anything to complain about, really: it's the emotional part of making the transition, as well as all the busyness of year start up and getting used to a new workplace that is tiring. I am exhausted at the end of the day but the list of things to do/not done is still there, still growing. I have to do some deep breathing and remember that it always feels this way at the beginning of the year, and that I have attended to everything that is really important (at least at last count). The other challenge is keeping up my physical strength. This has always challenged me as someone with a demanding/stressful job. Eating enough (and nourishing food) in the morning and during the day. Drinking water. Getting enough sleep. Handling anxiety. Relaxing and getting enough sleep. In the past two years I had gotten as good at self-care as I have ever been. I feel like I've backslid a bit though in this new situation. I have to make an effort to stay on top of it.

Then there is the adjustment to life as a working parent, which is completely new to me. I feel like I haven't fully grasped the significance of this change. Mr. Turtle and I are still experimenting, adjusting. Some changes I can't help but notice. At my previous school, my colleague had a school-aged daughter. I remember her almost always leaving an hour after classes ended  to go home to her child, whereas I would often stay two or more hours after school, doing tasks. I felt not inferior to her, nor superior, but a curious combination of the two. Rather as if I had a privilege that I didn't want. Now, in my new school, I am the one who is usually leaving after an hour, while my new colleague is still in her classroom. I don't know how I feel about that. How big a part of my professional identity and confidence comes from spending hours at my job, putting in that extra effort and time? How much do people actually expect that of me? How do I negotiate these boundaries?

East:

We are starting to try rather more earnestly to get pregnant again. My feelings about this have mostly settled into resolve, although there will always be a current of uneasiness. There is no talk of plans, or expectations, only of intentions. Mr. Turtle has said that he does not want to go to the "extremes" that we went previously. Well, it is all relative what is extreme and what is not. Certainly others have gone to greater "extremes" compared to us. Still, taken all together: the monitoring and timed intercourse, naturopathic treatments, endless tests, IVF - it was all quite time and energy consuming. Neither of us feels up to that now, or possibly ever. I can't imagine trying to squeeze acupuncture for fertility into my timetable, for example, especially since I have no proof it made any difference. I am monitoring my cycle intermittently with the Ova.cue, but no charting, no BBT.

We haven't talked seriously if we will seek another referral to The Fertility Clinic and on what timeline. It's not off the table, but I have very ambivalent feelings about going back to The Fertility Clinic. I'm sure nobody looks forward to assisted reproduction, but I imagine if it at least worked for a couple, they might anticipate the process with some optimism. In our case I just feel dread. Once I accepted that things were going OK, AJ's conception and birth felt like a "get out of jail free" card. Going back to The Fertility Clinic, on the other hand, feels like going back to jail. Jail with no guarantee of redemption or release. I dread being told to go for more tests, being told more bad news. Of course, this is all in my head. I don't know what would really happen.

Looking down that east road, I always flashback to prenatal appointments, the sense of wonder and expectation. I wonder if I will ever experience that again. I would like to think so. I know I haven't accepted that I won't, not even close. I think of all the doctors seeing all the pregnant people, day after day, always more, always the process of life continuing, and it feels strange that it's all going on without me. There is one thought I find comforting. In every examining room there are birth announcements posted from many years back. Last December I sent the maternity clinic AJ's birth announcement, as well as photos of her with the doctor who was at her delivery. I like to imagine AJ's announcement posted in one of the examination rooms. I like to think I'll go back one day and see it. But even if I don't, the thought that it is there gives me a good feeling.

North

Home is a good place. It's quite lovely having Mr. Turtle at home for a few weeks, and things will definitely get more intense after he has to go back to work. He's been a very good stay at home parent: shopping (I almost never did that), cooking, and caring for AJ (he does get a break when she is in daycare). AJ has adjusted to the change in her routine and caregivers with sunny acceptance. Gosh we are lucky for that.

We talk dreamily about finally getting to the house chores we've neglected: the overgrown backyard and patio, the disorganized shelves, IKEA furniture not built, the organization projects I started and stopped halfway. Hiring a landscaper to make our backyard more manageable. Cleaning the ducts for the first time in years (whoops). Finally babyproofing. AJ is taking her sweet time about crawling and her parents are taking their sweet time about getting ready for it. Mr. Turtle says he'll get to some of the chores before he goes back to work. In the big picture of things, if we feel mostly sane and happy,  and the house is not falling apart around us, I think we are still coming out ahead.

How do I feel about all of this? In my mind, I am standing at the intersection. Even though each of the roads is familiar, that familiarity feels like an illusion, as if I am in a dream-scape where things are not what they seem. I am going somewhere I have never gone before. And the truth is, often I feel very alone. I have to keep reaching out to remind myself that I'm not.

18 comments:

  1. I'm glad AJ is adjusting so well to daycare, and though it is hard for you and Mr. Turtle, it will probably get easier as it becomes the norm (I imagine).

    I have always been a bit jealous of the mums at work that leave early to get the kids from daycare, but I have often found it hard to get away from work on time before Bubs so I imagine in the future it will be...interesting. I can't really imagine being a working parent yet- it must take a bit of adjusting!

    Hopefully you will get another "get out of jail free" card! It did happen once and lightening can strike twice!

    I love home projects and how great the place looks after- hoping you stay sane and happy!

    Whatever way you go at the intersection, you won't be alone. AJ and Mr Turtle and all of us will be there with you!

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    1. Thanks for the kind and positive thoughts. You make me smile!

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  2. I just wanted to pop over and say that I can relate to so much of this post. As a parent and teacher I'm having such a hard time adjusting to the new school year. This is not my first year back at work since having kids, but every year my schedule changes drastically (of my own request, to accommodate our strange family-provided child care needs) and every year I find it really hard to figure out what balance looks like with whatever schedule I have. This year is REALLY different for me because for the first time since I started working I'm home in the morning with my kids, and I feel like I have no breathing room on either end of my teaching day. It's hard. I'm stressed. I'm not sure how to make it sustainable.

    Anyway, I just wanted to say that I so appreciate reading another teacher's perspective and hearing about how you are making it work for you. Thanks for putting this out there.

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    1. Thanks for commenting :-) It's an interesting life, isn't it? Are you teaching part time then? I considered if that would work for me, but opted not to go that route for various reasons. I'm sure there are other jobs like this too, but teaching can really take over one's life. Partly because a big time commitment is expected, partly because of the emotional nature of the work. Like you say finding balance is a moving target. I have succeeded so far (I wouldn't have lasted ten years in the profession if not). But now there are new challenges. Glad we found some common ground.

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  3. When I was pregnant with A, one of the nice things about it (besides the obvious) was that I could stop thinking about conceiving for that time. Now that he's here, it's in the back of my mind that in the coming months I'm going to have to get back on the IVF train if we want to have a second. It's exhausting just to think about.

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    1. Oh, I know. It was SO AWESOME to not have to think about TTC for a while. Not that I ever exactly stopped thinking about it; the possibility of a second child has been on my mind since about the time I stopped being terrified constantly about losing my first pregnancy. :-) But still, as an expecting/brand new mother I couldn't actually DO anything to conceive, so I had an excuse to not care. Many people find the early months of parenting challenging for all kinds of good reasons, but for me the new baby haze was a great mental break. :-) Like a holiday from my own mind. :-) Of course I love my life now with AJ and all my family. But slowly all the other complex questions creep it, and become more urgent. I wish you the best with your decision making. Try not to let it taint the present....we've waited a long time for the joy that's ours today.

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  4. I can completely understand your feelings toward the fertility clinic. You have no idea what, if anything, helped you conceive, and so it's not a matter of redoing all that stressful stuff, it's a question as to whether anything will work when it didn't seem to. I'm hoping your body has learned what it needed to, and that it's ready to try again.

    To be honest I'm kind of hoping we get pregnant by accident so I don't have to think about it. I know, ridiculous. Not gonna happen. Sigh.

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    1. Thanks. I know, I don't like to think too much about getting pregnant either, or rather, think about the fact that it might be a long draining ordeal. There's so many nicer things in life that I would rather indulge in. I too hope there's something in the legend that the second pregnancy is easier to achieve. Of course I'm quite aware that the opposite is often true. And my cycles have been erratic and very short. Sigh. But perhaps there will be one good one yet.

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  5. You're not alone, friend. Although I can definitely relate to that feeling. Hugs!

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    1. Thank you. We'll ride out the feelings together. Hugs back!

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  6. Such a wonderful post. BTW my baby fell asleep in my arms as I was reading. What a great way to tie in so many fascets of your life. I give people so much credit for attempting baby #2. As we decided only to have 1, it's nice to feel that that part of my life is over. I also know I wouldn't want to go through the stress of another 2WW and I'm at peace with it. Yet it's also hard not to think about my embryos and wonder "what if..."

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    1. haha, glad I could help put Jate to sleep. Sometimes I think it would be better just to decide that one is enough (and from many points of view she is; love is uncountable). I wonder if it would be healthier just to live in gratitude for what we have and not ask for more. But I dunno, we always talked about more than one child so we're not ready to give up on that vision. It's all subjective and we create our own goals and challenges. I think everybody has "what ifs." With fertility challenges it has a different....flavour.

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    2. For what it's worth, my mother shared with me that she probably experienced secondary infertility. She was one of those one hit wonders to conceive me, so they thought it would happen quickly the second time. Neither wanted to admit the frustration, so by the time I was 3 or 4 they decided they would "be happy with what they had". While I was growing up, they often made comments like "we went for quality, not quantity" or "we chose to specalize..." As an adult, they both expressed to me that they wished they had a second child, which angered me as an adult (did they think they could do better? was I not enough?) but now I can appreciate their frustration that it wasn't really their choice.

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    3. Thanks for your perspective. I would hate for AJ to think she isn't enough. Parents need to be so careful of their tone when talking about this with a child!

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  7. I love this post, so so much. The metaphor is perfect... how crazy that that one intersection leads to all of those pieces of you. You have been through so many transitions, so many changes in the past year or so. I can understand missing the familiarity of people who "get" you without explanation, and having complicated feelings about going down the fertility treatment road again. I liked how you said "well, it is all relative what is extreme and what is not." Everything is dependent on perspective, on where you are now versus where you were then, on what you have time and energy for... and it's so malleable. I never thought I would go to the "extremes" I did and come out empty-handed, but what seemed reasonable always changed with the new information we were given and how we felt about it. I wish you so much peace as you navigate these intersections, and look forward and backward all at once. Beautiful post.

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    1. Thank you. :-) Yes, it is always important to remember that when it comes to defining/creating your family, there is no such thing as one size fits all / one solution for everyone. And both my post and your comment get at the truth that, even within one family, the best/most tolerable course of action changes depending on circumstances and perceptions. As you say, "what seemed reasonable always changed with the new information we were given and how we felt about it." Of course in our case AJ completely changes the pictures. I would like at least one more child, in theory, but I also feel that my first responsibility is to her. Whether it's time, money, the health and emotional stability of her parents as individuals and as a couple - she has dibs on all that. We're not as free to gamble with it as we once were. :-) Thank you again for the thoughtful comment.

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  8. I love how your brain came up with this metaphor. I'm always trying to organize things to declutter and bring order. So many things to adjust to in life right now. It's wonderful how smoothly the eating solids during the day and then nursing when home is going with AJ. I wouldn't have thought to even try that. I'm finding pumping away from home to be more more of a hassle than anticipated since it must be somewhere private, unlike nursing which I can/will do anywhere. I agree the emotional adjustment at a new job is exhausting, people not knowing you yet and figuring out your role. Hopefully it will all fall into place soon.

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    1. Ha, me to, I love to order and de-clutter. AJ transitioned to solids only during the day because I knew pumping wasn't going to happen. So it was either formula or food, and she has no use for formula or even for bottles (and at her age it would be silly to push it, even if I wanted to.) Work still exhausting, but life motors along - I suppose one day I'll wake up and it will all feel normal. Not there quite yet....

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