Monday, 2 February 2015

#MicroBlog Mondays: Anxieties old and new



First, the good:

I think it's finally sinking in, on an deep emotional level, that I was pregnant and had a baby and nothing bad happened.  After the bleeding episode last year, I sort felt like I was living two lives: in one life I'd lost or was always about to lose the baby, while paradoxically in the other, everything was going fine. Some days I'd wake up living one life, sometimes the other. Lately, it feels like I'm able to actually accept that everything turned out and is OK. I can recall stuff that happened without the terrible sinking feeling of horror, rage and grief I used to feel. I just feel.....neutral.  I guess it took a year?

On the other hand...

Sometimes, usually when I'm contemplating something I haven't done before as a parent, I get paralyzing, heart stopping anxiety. Such as the first time I planned to drive alone with AJ. Luckily with some support and practice I seem to have gotten over that and we drive around regularly. There are so many advantages like being able to run errands, go to mom and baby yoga and visit my parents regularly.

The latest thing that's making me anxious is the prospect of leaving AJ with a babysitter for the first time. The story is, last year my colleague and I taught a session at teachers' convention. It was well received and we decided to do it again this year; actually we applied to and were accepted at two conventions. We also planned the session to be twice as long so that we could have time to workshop with people. At the time I was pregnant and having  baby and arranging childcare was all very abstract; I just assumed things would work out.

Fast forward to now with the sessions coming up in two weeks. For the second one Mr. Turtle will be home with the day off, so not a problem, hopefully. The first session though I need to arrange something. I'd assume initially that my parents would step up, but now my mom has surgery scheduled for that week so she is out. Luckily, one of my close friends offered to watch AJ if I needed it. She does not have her own children but has nieces/nephews and is a trustworthy person with common sense. So on a lot of levels I am fine with this and I'm researching all the info you need to leave with a babysitter (She be getting a full manual on AJ, of course....). On another level I'm like ohgawdohgawdohgawd.....how can I even consider doing this????!!!!!

Some of it is specific concerns, like will AJ accept a bottle from someone who isn't a parent (she barely accepts it from Mr. Turtle, and then only with major coaxing) and if not how can I work around her feedings. (I've already told my colleague, with some guilt/regret, that I'll be most likely leaving the session early. She is very understanding and I'm hoping that many of our attendees don't want to stay to the end anyway....it is the last session on a Friday.)  And I'm trying to think how can I make the situation as safe and pleasant as possible for both AJ and my friend. Sometimes I feel quite confident that I can deal with this. Other times, my mind starts to run on terrible things that could go wrong, because somebody makes a mistake, or just....because.

At the same time I know if I'm really going to go to work again in the fall, I need to practice being away, because there's no way I'll just be able to to leave AJ cold turkey.

Any advice or tips from moms on leaving baby with someone, things I should be thinking of?

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19 comments:

  1. I could have written this last year--okay it was after our adoption but still.

    The big word of advice is to breathe. Understand that you are more upset than AJ will be--crying notwithstanding. Babies are very adaptable.
    Good luck.

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    1. thank you! I will try to remember that. My friend also has a talent for making people at ease around her, and it seemed to work with AJ when she visited too! I hope that continues to be the case when she cares for her.

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  2. The first time I left Paloma I was so stressed!! She ended up crying for 10 minutes and then was ok. She wouldn't take a bottle from my friend, but I suppose if she got hungry enough she would have. My only advice is to say goodbye to AJ instead of just sneaking out and to make the goodbye quick.

    Good luck!

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    1. thank you! I will be sure to say goodbye so maybe she won't think I've just vanished!

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  3. The first time I left Paloma I was so stressed!! She ended up crying for 10 minutes and then was ok. She wouldn't take a bottle from my friend, but I suppose if she got hungry enough she would have. My only advice is to say goodbye to AJ instead of just sneaking out and to make the goodbye quick.

    Good luck!

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  4. All I can say is that a lot of this post felt very familiar to me. A lot of the same fears. No great advice, but at least you know you're not alone.

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  5. I think Pamela gives good advice. I hope your session is a huge success and that all goes well for AJ (and you!).

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    1. thank you! I guess I know what to focus on now, once I've made sure to over-prepare, of course :-)

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  6. I'm going to second that breathing. And in some respects, this is good for both of you ... slowly, AJ will learn how to be with new people, and to trust them when you've made it obvious that it's OK to trust them. Babies take their cues from you: if you can try to exude calm, then that will calm her, too. It's completely normal to feel this way, though!!

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    1. I appreciate your thoughts...it is good to look at the bigger picture. And without little steps, the bigger ones are harder to take - I know this... It is also always good to practice being calm!

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  7. Definitely not alone. The first time I left Petite with someone I was an anxious, nervous bundle of mess! I learned later that she was fine, after the first 10 minutes or so. I have to have faith that I'm doing the right thing for her, and to teach her to be reliant, independent, and to know that Mommy and Daddy will always love her and be with her in her heart; even if she can't see us. Hang in there. You can do this! *hugs*

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    1. thank you. Thanks for sharing the positive attitude!!

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  8. I would think that it's normal to feel the way you feel. I hope that your friend and AJ will get along really well so you know that it's going to be okay. Have a lot of fun at the convention!

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    1. thank you! so glad for all the support!

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  9. Yes, I have similar reliazations that wow I really do have a baby after I thought I miscarried at 10 weeks. And I am also anxious about how Zelly will feed while I'm gone or how I will time things to feed her right before I leave. Good luck with practicing before the workshop!

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    1. I've tried about 3X to respond to your comment and it doesn't post...WTF lol...It's my blog! Anyway. I do recall your experience at 10 weeks and how scary and heartbreaking that was. So glad everything turned out to be OK. I didn't realize how common 1st trimester bleeding is until I started reading more blogs of prego people - seems like every 2nd person experiences bleeding! perhaps I would have been less panicked at the time if I'd known. Anyway, here we are navigating parenting issues....glad not to feel alone!

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  10. I was just going to give similar advice to above so I'll just say, good luck! I'm sure it's very hard to pass her over but you're just widening the circle of those who love her xx

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    1. thank you....it doesn't hurt to hear the same advice from many people....helps to improve my confidence! thanks for the good wishes! in good news AJ was able to take a bottle with less fuss the other day.

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