Tuesday 3 June 2014

Going belly first into the (next) unknown

So. The other day it occurred to me that I'm approaching/almost at/may-be-past-by-the-time-you-read-this the halfway mark.

Ember is 20 weeks on Wednesday (dated from most recent ultrasound).

Although I've scrupulously tracked Ember's gestational age, the anxiety-tripper in me typically refuses to be (much) reassured by numbers. Note I never put Ember's gestational age in the subject line. Coincidence, no. Still. There are a few unmistakable signs that we really are at twenty weeks.

In the past week, three people at work that I hadn't previously told have observed/asked if I'm pregnant. I'm sure that one at least had no way of knowing, because she doesn't work at the school and hadn't seen me in months: she is a specialist who had an appointment on that day. And the moment she spotted me she sang out: "Wow, I didn't know you were expecting, congratulations!" The she proceeded to ask me when I was due and other details and generally behave like this was a totally normal conversation to be having with someone. Which I suppose it is; it's just not a conversation anyone has ever had with me

The other two people who approached me are teachers at my school, but not people I work with directly. Now, it's possible that they had heard something through the grapevine. I have after all told several people at work, and none of them were sworn to secrecy, except with regards to the students. But I rather suspect they also figured it out by looking at me.

Which is a convoluted way of saying that my midsection is starting to stick out rather noticeably, I guess, and like it or not I'm heading belly-first into yet another stage of this pregnancy.

Although I'm a little freaked out by the fact people can tell, I find myself mostly OK with it. It helps to have people behave like pregnancy is normal, since I've had such a helluva time feeling normal.

What else. My mother-in-law and stepfather-in-law visited us this weekend. We did fun things together like plant flowers and bake muffins. We had some extra time on Sunday, and she had allergies to something outside, so we decided to be very creative and go to a mall. As we were trying to decide which one, I mumbled "C------ Mall has the maternity boutique...." MIL was like "OH YES let's go there." So, we did. I wasn't keen to visit this store on my own, but with some backup I figured I could do it. And I found out that goshdangit those maternity pants really are much more comfortable than my jury-rigged regular pants. I left with a few basics to get me through the rest of the school year and the summer. I balked at signing up for a points card and getting baby samples, however. Irrational maybe, but while I was prepared to walk out of the store with a bag full of maternity clothes, I was not prepared to walk out with a bottle and onesie. That comes later, K?

And today was my first appointment with the ob/gyn. My doctor referred me to this clinic after I decided which hospital to deliver at. The appointment went well. We first chatted with the nurse for about 45 minutes. We went over my history and she listened for the baby's heartbeat, which was strong and steady, although Ember kept moving away from her. This was Mr. Turtle's first time hearing the heartbeat although he has been with me to two ultrasounds and has seen the heart.

The nurse also took the time to talk with me about questions and concerns. We talked a bit about issues around timing my maternity leave from work (that will have to be a whole other post).  I also shared about how anxious I have been throughout the pregnancy. She listened very well and suggested a few community resources for education and connection. There is also someone called a "behavioural health consultant" whom I can talk to at the office if I have a lot of anxiety or other issues.  That is good to know, but it even helped just to tell someone in person how the past few months have been for me and have them acknowledge the reality of that experience, while being reassuring that everything continues to look good.

Afterwards I had a somewhat shorter meeting with one of the doctors. Several doctors share the practice so I will see a different doctor at every appointment, so they all get to know me somewhat. When the time comes to deliver it could be any one of them. The only thing the doctor wanted to follow up was a rather ambiguous comment on the latest ultrasound report that indicated a fibroid near my cervix. It was unclear if the fibroid was in a position to potentially block the birth canal, so I will probably have to go for another ultrasound in a few weeks to see where it is. I also mentioned that I am thinking of hiring a doula, which she said was great but to find someone who can go with the flow and not try to influence medical decisions.

In summary, I feel that in some intangible way reality has shifted a bit for me, and in a good way. Not that I'll immediately stop fretting about vaginal goop and weird belly twinges, but I think I'm starting to feel/be more like a person who's having a baby rather than a person whose body is full of danger and difficulty.  When I came home I read through most of the literature that the ob/gyn gave me. I was able to read about pregnancy and birth and babies without cocooning in protective denial or disbelief. All the information was fascinating, but the most intriguing was the section on breastfeeding. I had always imagined babies daintily sipping at the nipple, but the book went into all the details and how they wrap their whole mouth around the boob and suck like crazy. I'm actually feeling excited about learning more about everything.

Wishing everyone the best always,

18 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. thank you! there is something very satisfying about those even numbers :-D

      Delete
  2. Breastfeeding is SO COOL. Will you be able to take a class or have a consultant? They have so much cool info. Twenty weeks, popped, wearing maternity… You definitely sound pregnant. I am overjoyed :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you! it means so much when people are happy for me. I've signed up for one course starting in September, and we'll most likely go to classes on other topics in the meantime. I definitely want to feel prepared although no matter what it will all be new.

      Delete
  3. Breastfeeding was the best thing I chose to do. It felt nothing like I expected it to! One thing I will say is that it can be difficult at first but once I and E got used to what we were doing it became much easier (and less stressful). I actually was just thinking this morning that I wished I was still feeding her myself lol. You will do a wonderful job

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you! I'm so glad to hear things are going well for you and E.

      Delete
  4. This is wonderful! Happy 20 weeks! Pregnancy is a miracle, and pregnancy with DOR and when you were considering donor eggs is just extra special. Enjoy every second that you can...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you! I am having more happy moments.....although to be honest I think being a miracle often adds to my anxiety, because I feel like this is the one chance I have to get it right and absolutely anything can F things up. But I do appreciate the good thoughts!

      Delete
  5. Such a packed update and I loved the title. Anyday now at work people are going to be coming up to me asking questions and pretending it's perfectly normal. That's great news on the behavioral health consultant. Sometimes doulas can be a great support too. Hehe, you made me laugh with the daintily sipping comment vs the reality of the whole mouth around the boob. Happy 20 weeks!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you! yes I need to keep reaching out and getting support because I do need it.

      Delete
  6. Hm, I think blogger ate my comment. So here it goes again - I'm so glad you are feeling more comfortable, and hope things continue to go well! Maybe sometimes it's even easier to have the belly introduce itself? I've told some people, but with others I'm waiting for either a good opportunity or for the belly to become obvious. In part I simply couldn't handle another big announcement, like the one we did last year. Although my husband made the very good point that our twins deserved it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think you have a point. It can be easier when the belly announces itself. I still struggle with "announcements" - even the private ones we have been making. I have to deep breathe and brace myself when I bring up the topic of pregnancy. It really can be easier when other people bring it up first. But I do like your husband's point that your twins deserved the big announcement and happiness.

      Delete
  7. AW what a great update. I can't believe you're 20 weeks already. Time truly flies. Happy that things are going well, and that you're showing. Wonderful to have maternity clothes so you're more comfortable. You're doing great. One step at a time and you'll be able to leave a story with baby supplies. Hopefully soon. Happy for you girl!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you! that will be a happy day when we go shopping for baby :-)

      Delete
  8. 20 weeks. That's great. It must be strange when people start to notice, but nice too.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It is strange, but also reassuring because it reminds me that I am a member of the human race, participating in an experience that a great many people share, not some strange medical freak with a dangerous undependable body (and I won't lie, I STILL feel that way a lot of time).

      Delete
  9. So happy that you are showing, and you must be having fun shopping for maternity clothes! This is the best time -when your belly's getting big but not to the point of being uncomfortable, so enjoy it as much as you can!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you! I am liking the "physical proof" of pregnancy, including the showing and most of all the movement inside!

      Delete