Tuesday, 4 March 2014

Dispatches from Limbo-Land

I am Turtle. I may or may not be still pregnant; I may or may not be staying pregnant; I may or may not want to vomit while writing this; I may or may not have a grip on reality.

Welcome to Limbo-land. I wish I could say things were getting better, but the fact is they are much the same, and it's hard.

I had another beta yesterday, and today the doctor's office called me at work. I wasn't expecting a call, so I immediately thought: Bad News! Only bad news would be urgent. Then the receptionist (nurse?) said: "The doctor just wanted you to know that your beta is still rising!" My next thought: How sweet! How lovely! Then she told me the number: 27 000something. Oh. That was not what I wanted to hear. 27 000 is nowhere near doubling in 96 hours (Thursday was 21 000something). But then is the hcg actually supposed to be still doubling at this point? I'm not sure.

Meanwhile I continue to bleed/spot brown. I guess it really is only spotting, but sometimes for short periods of time it is a bit heavier than spotting, then it will (almost) go away for several hours.  I went back to work this week, and it seems heavier since I went back to work, although again it's hard to quantify that. For example I might bleed a little bit more when I'm moving around, but then it goes away.  So it seems like more for a short time, but is it?

I don't have much abdominal sensation, but I get occasional twinges, prickles, clenches. It's all subtle, so far, but anytime I feel anything I go into fetal position (mentally and physically) and feel like a very tiny, miserable, helpless container of a tiny yet enormous universe. A universe which can pass soundlessly out of existence and leave me with an emptiness greater than the space between stars. I am terrified.

I have big boobs and I'm queasy, off and on. If it is pregnancy-nausea, I'm mostly managing it well; I'm remembering to snack often and I haven't actually been throwing up. I can never be altogether sure when it will hit me, though; it can totally go away and then come on very swiftly. If it is stress-nausea, then I'm probably making myself sick with worry about this whole situation.

I went back to work this week. I've survived. It is hard, because I'm always wondering what's going on while also being in the moment for the students. I'm taking it as easy as I can, but I don't have an easy job. Sometimes the distraction is good and I enjoy my other identity as responsible professional.  Other times I feel dissonant and unable to focus. My team is very supportive; they keep telling me to take care of myself although I know it was hard on them when I was away last week. I think it is good to have things to care about other than vaginal secretions, but it is a struggle to get through the hours sometimes.

I'm trying to be optimistic, but that's so different from actually being optimistic. When I melt into a puddle of exhaustion at the end of the day I just wish I could finally feel some real optimism instead of all this damned trying. To state it paradoxically: if I could just take something for granted, I would never take anything for granted again.

My next ultrasound is on Thursday.

15 comments:

  1. Ai yai yai. I hate for you that you're in limbo. Doesn't beta taper off after a certain point? I am no expert.. and I just feel for you for not knowing more. Brown spotting is relatively good as compared to bright red blood. I am really really really really really hoping and praying for good news for you on Thursday. I am thinking about you a lot. Hang in there girl.

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    1. thanks! I needed to vent. I really appreciate all the good thoughts and prayers. Maybe some of your courage will rub off :-)

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  2. Limbo is the worst. HCGs levels don't increase is a doubling fashion after they reach >10,000. I'm hoping good things are found on your scan on Thursday. Wishing the best for you

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  3. I don't know anything about betas but I do feel sorry that you are stuck in limbo. I suppose if your Dr. called to tell you the beta was still rising I'd take that as a good sign. As you said, if it wasn't he probably wouldn't have called.

    Best of luck in your upcoming scan!

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  4. I don't have much advice, but thinking about you!!!

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  5. Limboland is a hared place to be. I hope you'll manage to sneak out soon.
    For what it's worth, the twinges you may be feeling could be totally normal. As can be the exhaustion at the end (or in the middle) of the day.
    Hang in there. Thinking of you.

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  6. Limbo-land sounds full of challenges, but it seems you are maintaining your sense of humor... "it's good to have things to care about other than vaginal secretions." lol. Plus, as much as limbo-land sucks it means that the pregnancy isn't over. I'm holding onto hope for you.

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    1. It's really hard to find humour in the situation (that's another reason it's been so hard) but yeah my obsession with my vagina is somewhat comically gruesome. Thank you for the hope!

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  7. I'm sorry that you don't have answers, but it sounds like you're creeping towards settling on good news. I'm eager to hear about Thursday's ultrasound results. Sending you good wishes and much love.

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    1. thank you! love all those good wishes.

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