The agony of waiting

Thank you for the comments in last entry. This is so terribly hard.

The ultrasound exam today found a "gestational complex" that they dated at about 6 weeks. However, they could not confirm the presence of an embryo. They didn't confirm there isn't one, either, but they couldn't see it. If there is no embryo, I have a blighted ovum and this pregnancy is not viable.

The beta that was drawn yesterday came back at 7000something, which is consistent with how far along this pregnancy is supposed to be. But it does not, on its own, confirm it is viable.

The doctor that I saw at Urgent Care today said I should come back tomorrow for the second beta, which should confirm if the pregnancy is viable or not, based on whether it doubles. I need to go at about 4pm, and should get the results at about 8 or 9pm, so I have another day of agony to look  forward to.

 I have had light brown spotting today, and now more red blood when I tried to go to the bathroom. My hope is fading.

It has been a difficult day. The lead up to the ultrasound was terrible; first I was in emotional anguish, and then because they planned to do an abdominal ultrasound, I had to drink 1.5 litres of water in half an hour and hold it for an hour. I am not good at holding it. I bawled in agony all the way to the clinic and nearly vomited several times.  And then the tech couldn't see anything with the abdominal ultrasound, so he just said to pee it all out because for the internal ultrasound you need an empty bladder.  Fuck! Of course that's not so easy either; I have to pee about 4 times to get rid of that amount of water.

The emotional anguish is the worst, but that experience sure didn't help.

This is so dreadful. The doctor I saw today was not exactly pessimistic; he said there was still a good chance this is a viable pregnancy. But I am so miserable it is hard to believe in a positive outcome.  I imagine tomorrow will go much like yesterday and today - lying down most of the time due to physical and emotional exhaustion, sleeping when I can, reading or surfing the web to try to distract my thoughts the rest of the time.