Sunday 12 January 2014

Not with a bang but a whimper

There are two follicles on one ovary.
Two little ones.
I didn't respond to the drugs.

Sad.

We knew this could happen, that it was in fact the most likely thing to happen. It still really stinks to be here dealing with it.

Based on the lack of ovarian response, and my bloodwork, the doctor recommended cancelling the IVF cycle. But she also said that since I have 2 days worth of drugs left (today and tomorrow) and since they can't be returned, I can give it two more days and see what happens. Nothing is likely to change dramatically, but we opted to do  two more days on the medication and go in for another ultrasound on Tuesday.  If nothing else, I don't feel any desire to hang on to my IVF drugs after a failed cycle.

If one of the follicles can grow bigger, we have the option to convert to an IUI. Of course that may or may not be possible due to sperm quantity/quality after the wash. So many Ifs, and not even likely ones. But, well, I guess I can slog  through the swamps of uncertainty and diminishing returns a  little longer. After all, I did know it could be like this, and I did make the decision to try IVF anyway, so at the very least I can have the courage of my convictions.

I think the worst thing - at least for now - is knowing that nothing I do can  make any difference. I feel tired but unable to really rest either.

It's a fork in the road. Down one path was the possibility that this IVF cycle would work. With my poor response, that hope is fading. If we had at least gotten to the stage of conceiving an embryo, even if we didn't achieve a pregnancy, then maybe it might have been worthwhile to try IVF again. Since we most likely won't......I'm not sure I see the point of doing IVF again with our gametes, unless the doctor recommends it,  which I really doubt she will.

Down the other fork in the road....whatever comes after this. Donor egg IVF is our plan B. It's a long way from feeling real, but everything begins with a first step. It's sad and little scary to start walking down the dark unknown road, knowing that we are most likely leaving the crossroads and the other path behind forever. But, well, I suppose every unknown path is dark and scary at first.  I'm find my optimism again I'm sure. Maybe not today though, and maybe not this week.

For now....I suppose one can always hope for some super miracle eggs to grow in 2 days. I'm not very hopeful, but I can live through another two days.

Here we go round the prickly pear
Prickly pear prickly pear
Here we go round the prickly pear
At five o’clock in the morning.

20 comments:

  1. Dammit. Is there any chance that your RE will suggest a different IVF protocol? I know you did one specifically geared to poor responders, but there are a few out there. I dunno. I don't want to offer false hope. Being in this position sucks, no two ways about it, even when you had yourself prepared for it. I really hope you get a shot at IUI at least. And you may not be alone on the dark donor road.

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    1. Damnit, indeed. I'm not sure about another protocol. It's possible, but we'll have to discuss with our doctor in an appointment - which will be weeks away. I'm pretty sure she'll recommend donor egg; she certainly did not give us any illusions that this IVF would work and was nudging us toward donor egg IVF from the time of the DOR diagnosis. I would have loved to prove her wrong...but yeah. Thanks for the compassion. Next few days are going to be hard.

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  2. Oh honey. I wish I could give you a big hug. I don't want to push you into anything too soon, but Lauren at On Fecund Thought is starting DEIVF this month and has written a lot about coming to terms with the idea, and I just wanted to put that out there for if you're ever ready to explore that.

    But I will support you in everything and if that was too much, I won't say another word.

    Thinking of you xx

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    1. Thanks Adi. And yes, I do like to hear about and read other people's stories because it helps me to normalize all of this. I will check out Lauren's blog soon. For now...well it's just hard. It's just hard to try and do everything right and have the answer be No, again.

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    2. I hear you. It makes me want to tell everyone that it's not fair, and even though I know it won't help, I still just want to repeat it like a child, insisting someone fix it.

      I'm so sorry. I wish I knew what to say.

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    3. Hi Adi, it's always hard to find the right thing to say...I struggle with that too. But from my perspective, just knowing that people read my (often confused) thoughts and then take the time to acknowledge them and say they get it....it does help. Even if things can't be fixed. So thank you.

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  3. AWWW. I am so so sorry, sweetie. As you know what had happened to me in the past, I know exactly how that feels. It is definitely disappointing for a first IVF cycle to have a poor response. I agree with Aramis that there could be a different protocol that you could try, as sometimes high dosage could "fry" the eggs. I have done a lot of thinking on my past cycles as well as mini-IVFs as a possible for me in the future: getting fewer eggs and banking the embryos during each cycle. We can talk more about it if you'd like. But I just want to tell you that I know what this is like. Giving you big hugs for what you're experiencing. It definitely doesn't feel good.

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    1. Thanks for the sympathy. I definitely feel crappy about it, as I knew I would. It's not going to be a fun week, though I'll try to keep my chin up. I will ask about other protocols. I did have similar thoughts to yours - are the high doses actually making things worse. Insofar as I have any coherent thoughts. I would like to hear your perspective once I've worked through this a little. thanks again for reading. I hope things get better for both of us.

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  4. Ugh I was so hoping and praying for you! I don't know if you follow Liz over at Wishing on a Snowflake, but if you are interested in information about donor eggs she has a ton of information and is currently pregnant with a donor. Her story always inspires me. Wishing you the best and still holding out hope that your body kicks it into overdrive the next few days!

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    1. Thanks Kasey. I wish I had better news. :-( It's really tough watching this opportunity go up in smoke. I'll check out Liz's blog in the next few days.

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  5. I'm so sorry. Hoping that the follicles somehow catch up in the next few days. And that you find a way to move forward you're at peace with.

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    1. Thanks. I wish it had been a different outcome, but if wishes were horses...

      Peace will come one day I'm sure.

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  6. I am so sorry. This is hard enough to handle when you've committed to undertaking drugs and needles, but when your body responds so softly to big guns, it's just unfair.

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    1. Thanks. Yes, it's hard. I guess I'll be OK with it all one day - I knew this could happen - but for now, just very disappointed and sad.

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  7. Hugs :( I'm so sorry that the drugs are not working for you, but don't lose heart yet. You should definitely ask for a different protocol. If your Dr pressures you into DE, I'd suggest finding another clinic. The tricky thing about IVF is that not all clinics use the same protocol; some are more adventurous and may try newer drugs. You may have to spend some time researching on the clinics in your area and what they offer.

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    1. Thanks for the insight :-) We will ask about other protocols when we meet with Dr. Cotter. Not sure if going to another clinic is an option, unless we decide to go out of the country - Canadian medical system is different and I'm pretty sure we are required to go to the clinic in our city/province. I get your point about differences in how clinics use protocol, though.

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  8. So sorry. But I do agree about at least discussing another protocol. We just finished round 3. Round 1 and 2 were unsuccesful. Changed the protocol each time. Round 3 got us two good embryos. So you never know. We were talking about donor eggs before round three, and if these don't take, that's probably what we'll do. Not an easy thing to wrap the head around.

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    1. Thanks for sharing your experience. I'll have a look at your blog! You're right, it's not an easy thing to wrap one's head around. I suppose on the bright side you could say at least we now know one thing that doesn't work. :-)

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  9. Oh torthuil, I am so sorry. I know how much this hurts. I didn't respond to my first IVF attempt and it was awful. Not to give you false hope, but 2 of the three protocols that I've tried I haven't responded to, so I don't think you're completely out. Estrogen Priming Protocol is one they tried with me that many poor responders have had luck with. However, I understand not wanting to throw good money after bad when the results aren't great. But it's not always so clear cut when to move on to DE, so after talking to your RE you can weigh which decision feels right for right now.

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    1. I'm glad to hear that one protocol did work for you. I'll look up Estrogen Priming Protocol. Read one person's post about it and it sounds somewhat intriguing. Thanks for the compassion.

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