Saturday, 26 October 2013

Twenty-nine days

I think that's what this cycle will clock out at, since I started spotting light brown today.

There are some optimistic notes to sound here, I think.

Twenty-nine days is better than 17, or 23, or even 25, and certainly better (at least psychologically) than the occasional dreadful cycles that drag on to 40 days.

Two positive OPKs this cycle, on CDs 16/17, about 10 hours apart.

Assuming (with a unavoidable modicum of POFfer skepticism) that I ovulated Day 17 or thereabouts, that's a 12 day luteal phase.

I can make my first phone call to The Period Hotline (yes, it really is called that, that's not one of my joke names) at The Fertility Clinic, reporting in for IVF. Which I will do if I get light flow by 3pm; if not, and it's only spotting today, I'll  hold off till I have full flow. I can't do an IVF cycle yet, on account of needing to take the DHEA/CoQ10 for several more weeks, but every period and phone call brings us closer to that possibility.  Any kind of forward motion brings a faint whiff of optimism.

Now for the movement in a minor key - 

Not pregnant. Not that I thought I was,  but hope (some version of it) springs eternal.

I had an appointment with Dr. Q. yesterday. She was optimistic, pleased with the cycle length, asked me if I'd tested for pregnancy. I said "No." She asked "Why not?" to which I could only mutter, with profound eloquence "I don't like testing." "You are afraid of being disappointed," she elaborated, helpfully. Yeah, something like that. She continued to be enthusiastic for me, beaming at my needle-forested belly and saying: "Let's hope there's a baby in there!" I was unable to share her eagerness, though I couldn't give any reason for it, other than beengoingthroughthiscrapfortwoyearsandnothingtoshowforit, and because I have a sense of when my body has, yes, not conceived, yet again. Or possibly not even ovulated, despite the positive OPKs.

Mainly, in this case, because I had almost no rise in temperature.



The chart makes it look not too bad, because  there was a small rise relative to my lowest BBT (36.07C). But other than the spike on CD 14, my temperature never went above 36.28.  Usually in my luteal phase it will rise to 36.60C or higher.

So I had no real hope, although something always springs to life, whatever is hardy enough to exist in the vacuum of air that forms before the wrecking ball strikes. I still have some of that, but mainly I've adopted a Stoic philosophy toward all this. On the good days.

I fully intend to have, if not a good day, then at least a purposeful one. There's laundry and yard cleaning to do, after all.

10 comments:

  1. A purposeful day is better than a crying-mess-on-the-couch day. Maybe not as desirable as a good day, but in the right direction anyway. I hope by this evening you feel content and accomplished, and hopeful for the IVF cycle, which is ever closer.

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    1. Thanks Anne. Plus, working in the yard outside will ideally make me tired enough that I sleep through the whole night. :-) The worst thoughts happen on wakeful nights. :-) If I can get a good night's sleep on days 1 and 2, and stay distracted during the days, then I'm usually good for the ride. :-)

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  2. You are one step closer to that sweet baby of yours!!!

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  3. Hooray for a 29 day cycle and a 12 day luteal phase! That's great! But I know the disappointment always hurts, no matter how much we think we're used to it. We are in our 20th month of trying, and I basically always assume a negative every luteal phase now, but no matter how much I try to tell myself I KNEW it didn't happen, the sadness still finds its way to my heart. But I love that you are looking at the good things here--normal cycle with strong luteal phase and one step closer to IVF.

    Yard work and laundry sounds like a good Saturday to me :)

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    1. Thanks Annie. I totally hear you about the sadness still finding its way in. Fortunately, it actually has been a pretty good Saturday! I finished the yard work and laundry, and I even practiced music! I got quite into it and forgot to feel bummed out. Another thing I am grateful for...ever since seeing Dr. Q I have not had severe period pain (rap wood). Dunno if it's something she's doing or just better luck....but I am soooo relieved not to have to endure hours of cramps and horrible stabby pains. I hope we can both find reason and a way to hope in the next few months...and for that hope to be fulfilled. till then just count the small victories.

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  4. I absolutely hate the waiting cycles, but like you said with each one you're getting closer to your next attempt. I really hope your cocktail of supplements does the trick!

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    1. Yes! and there are positives to focus on: longer cycle length, heavy menstrual flow, actual positive OPKs....it's just a real mental discipline to keep thinking about the factors that our in our favour vs. the ones that are not.

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  5. You have yet again, so very elegantly and accurately described the hope you feel when there is no hope--a feeling I experience on a regular basis. Congrats on the 29 day cycle, the 12 day luteal phase and eeking out a purposeful day when it could have gone in a different direction.

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    1. Thanks.We must count what small mercies there are, right? :-) I've discovered that if I can make myself tired enough on days 1 and 2, so that I don't wake up at night and think too much, that I'm usually OK. Here's too some real hope and results soon, for both of us. :-)

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