There was a fake crow on the sidewalk.
On either side of the street, the houses were decorated with almost extravagant Halloween decor: ghosts, zombies, giant neon spiders, witches, pumpkins. Nothing was as creepy as that fake crow standing in the middle of the sidewalk. It made my stomach turn over a little (although it tends to do that in the morning, anyway.)
I eventually walked away, unsettled, unable to not wonder: what is up with that? Did the crow fall from somewhere? but then, how likely that it would land on its feet? Was it some sort of decoy? Yah, for what? And why put it where people walk? Was this someone's idea of a joke? If so, how do you even come up with that? Wouldn't it be hilarious to put a very realistic fake bird on the sidewalk and watch people freak out? Um, OK?
Now for the fertility-related content of this entry, which has nothing at all to do with the fake crow, at least not yet. (But I <3 a great metaphor, so just watch me figure out how to relate it all together by the end.)
I am (just possibly?) in the middle of a long-ish cycle. At least I think it's going to go longer. My last 3 cycles have been between 18 and 24 days, with ovulation, or attempted ovulation around CD 9-11. I spotted for much longer at the beginning of this cycle, so I had a hunch that it would be different. Longer AF for me usually means a longer cycle.
I've started charting BBT again and Dr. Q bugged me to use OPKs, so I started doing that too, starting at CD 10. Now, I hardly ever get a positive OPK. I have a couple of theories for that: 1) crappy ovaries! 2) I pee so often that the LH surge isn't concentrated enough to detect. OPK instructions say don't pee for 4 hours before using the OPK, which is ridiculous because if I held it that long I would go septic or something.
So, this cycle I had negatives from day 10 until day 15. Day 16 was last Saturday, and a fairly awesome day so I forgot about the OPK till almost midnight. When I finally remembered I decided to go ahead and use it, what the hell. Positive! Well, wow. I took another the following day, at about noon. Still positive. Mr. Turtle and I got together, fun times were had by all and I wondered if I should be a little bit happy and hopeful. Perhaps the appointments with Dr. Q were having some effect on my ovulation? Or I was having a lucky month?
Well, I don't know about that. I proceeded to get bummed out when BBT refused to rise between Monday and Wednesday. It fell and rose slightly and fell again, never rising to what I consider normal for my luteal phase. I possibly had fertile signs again between Monday and Wednesday. I had run out of OPKs so I did not use any more of those. Of course I still had the OPK instruction booklet which informed me that certain things could have caused a false positive such as pregnancy (no) or menopause (fuck!). I decided to think positively: maybe I was still in my fertile window after all. Mr. Turtle and I got together again for more good times. If nothing else, I needed to be held and loved and be given some reason for hope. Waited for BBT to rise. Still only a tiny rise.
In between all this wondering and half-hoping and having half-hope crushed (why does it still hurt when it's only half-hope?) I woke up and went to work and attended to my responsibilities, albeit with a depleted will to live. My fertile and/or infertile signs are as hard to understand as a fake crow standing in the middle of the sidewalk. (told you I could do it.)
Things got slightly better today. I went for my weekly appointment with Dr. Q. She was more optimistic about my chart than I was, saying the positive OPK on CD 16/17 was a good sign, and that another patient of hers with early ovulation issues had gotten pregnant the month that she ovulated on CD 17. My low BBT still makes me dubious if I ovulated at all, but the Ovacue readings have risen a little in the past couple of days so who knows, maybe it will go up yet.
Other than that, I'm glad that it's Friday, that I can go to sleep anytime I want to, that it's the weekend tomorrow, that I did some therapy shopping this afternoon on a budget, and that the fake crow was nowhere in sight when I walked home today. Maybe it flew away when I wasn't looking.