Wednesday, 18 September 2013

Bringing back crazy

Actually, the title is not quite accurate. I'm well into the luteal phase of a (self) monitored cycle, and I have a pretty good idea of when I ovulated (or attempted to ovulate). But I'm not quite ready to  bring back crazy: that is, counting cycle days from believed day of ovulation, followed by recalculating day of ovulation based on new interpretation of the (scanty) evidence,symptom spotting while assuring myself I am not symptom spotting but nevertheless doing it, followed by the times when I convince myself that it is entirely believable and possible that I am pregnant, because, well, I don't know, maybe all the people who (still) say "It will happen - don't worry" are actually right. They totally could be right. It will just happen. Crazy.

No, I haven't brought back crazy. Yet. Probably will do that this weekend.

In the meantime, life is pretty good. Work is busy (of course) but so far going fine. (I teach high school special education.) I had a lot of anxious people in my former group of students. We did good work together over 3 years and they grew a lot as people, but they definitely brought a nervous buzz to the classroom that so far does not seem to be present with my new group. I like it. Of course, it's early days. There's still plenty of time for epic drama.

Artsy activities started this week. Monday was my first stepdancing class of the fall. For your entertainment, here's a clip from a year and half ago of my class dancing at a festival. (I am second from right, in bright blue top)



Also today I went to my first band rehearsal with Mr. Turtle. I am doing a higher level band this year than previously. I have played euphonium with this group before, but I switched to a lower level last year to learn more percussion. This year I thought I might play percussion and maybe a little euphonium in the more advanced group (Grade 3.5 to 4.5).  It's definitely a push for me, but the band rehearses very close to our house and Mr. Turtle and I can be in the same group.  I no longer want to commute across the city (which I have to do by bus and train and walking because we are a 1 car household.) So, we'll see.

Tonight we sight read (meaning: director gave us 6 pieces of music we may have never seen before) and we did our best to play them. I admit I was fairly terrified. The director knows me; in fact he was the one who first taught me music as an adult, 7 years ago. The group are all nice people. But it's still intimidating to perform a skill in  front of a room of adults with very little preparation. And I realized (again) that it is impossible to hide when you are playing percussion instruments. This is to some degree true of all instruments, but at least in other sections of the band, there are usually people playing the same instrument, and you can blend your sound together and hope they cover up your mistakes. Doesn't work that way in percussion.  Right or not, ready or not, you're loud and you stand out.  It is quite impossible to indulge in introspection, self-doubt or shyness when you are playing snare drum or crash cymbals. It just can't be done.

That's part of the reason I like percussion: it forces me to take risks which means that I am motivated to work on my parts and become a better musician.

So what is the point of this post? Yes, we are (for lack of any other plan at the moment) cycling naturally and therefore bringing back crazy every month. (In my life, cycling and crazy go together. I'm not even going to try to be rational or realistic. Screw that. Who cares if I'm rational or not? The outcome will be what it is regardless of whether my thoughts were sensible or fantastic.) The thing is, I still have good things going on in my life. I want to continue to develop as a professional and a person this year, and not let the IF (totally) get in the way of that. Although I decided (with no regrets) to stay in my current job mainly because of the IF diagnosis and  uncertainty about the future, I want to do more professional development and challenge myself this year, hopefully adding a few points to my CV (which I've barely looked at since 2008). I don't have a baby yet but I am going to be what I've always wanted to be: a person that contributes and that matters.  And I'm going to grin like a fiend and ask everyone who has any to tell me all about their kids and grandkids and nephews and nieces and fetuses in all stages of gestation, because the best defense is a good freakin' offense.

Anyone else starting off the fall by bringing back crazy, or other plans?

**Update: a few days after writing this I found Infertile Myrtle's meditation "Infertile does not equal Incomplete." She writes more directly on the themes I was rambling my way toward. Great Post!

10 comments:

  1. Cycling and Crazy are two peas in the preverbial pod for sure. I know exatly what you mean! I think you are most certainly a person that contributes and matters! Love the step dancing too!!

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    1. Thank you! I think I contribute too, but I always wonder if I'm really contributing as much as I could be and if I should be as inward-focused as I often am. Although it is my nature to be inward as well as outward focused.

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  2. I'll be keeping my fingers crossed for you in this two-week wait! That video of your dance class is awesome :) You are really good! And I'm so impressed that you also play multiple instruments and participate in a band. You're such an inspiration to keep living life while battling IF. Lately, my "goals" have included things like showering daily and remembering to eat enough fruit and veggies, haha. I love that you get out in the world and participate, letting yourself live life to the fullest.

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    1. Hi Annie, I think goals have to be achievable for the person in their particular time and place, and I think yours are just fine because you are taking care of self and health! I like to do lots of activities, but the flip side is I often overbook myself, and then I feel guilty about not putting enough time into my commitments. Thanks for the nice words. As I've said before, I really like it when people share aspects of their lives that are not IF-related because there's so much more to all of us than that.

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  3. It's great to keep yourself distracted with non-related IF stuff. Part of what was hard for me at the beginning of all of this was I felt stuck--like I couldn't do the other things I wanted to do because I was waiting to get pregnant. When we finally decided that we couldn't let IF control all aspects of our lives and that we just needed to move forward with the other things that were important to us, it was freeing, and it took away some of the sadness and frustration that an IF diagnosis brings. So, congrats on finding the resolve to keep your life moving forward!

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    1. I couldn't agree more! I'm still reluctant to do things like plan big overseas trips or whatever, or big career changes, but I've come around to the idea that IF need not interfere in my daily life for the most part. Although I do not forget about it and I realize that some days it's going to be harder to cope than others. Some days I just feel like crap. But having other things going on is overall a help. Best of luck.

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  4. I barely make it off the couch unless I have work, so your step-dancing (which was great!) and musical skills (which are impressive even unheard) are basically blowing me out of the water. I'm so glad you're not stuck in the infertility rut, only thinking about babies and being all mopey like I am. Life is still happening and it's important to remember that. Thanks for the reminder :)

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    1. Hi Anne, I have days where I luurrrrrve my couch. LOL. I definitely don't think "living life to the fullest" means that one has to spend every day saving kittens or becoming a judo champion. Unless one feels a very powerful calling to those things. Sometimes the couch is the best place. But thank you for your kinds words, and I wish for everybody that they find something (or better, many things) that feed soul.

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  5. You are busy!!! How cool you are taking a class like that, I'm never brave enough! My coordination is awful :)

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    1. Thank you! I find that dancing helps me to feel so much more balanced and calm. I have an active mind that generates a lot of energy, so I need my body to be energized to balance it out. I wish for everybody that they find something that gives them joy in life and in their own skin.

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