Wednesday 26 June 2013

Feelings about diminished ovarian reserve

How do I feel about DOR/POF? (For the post with the facts and back story, see here)

In no particular order -

-I'm not sure how to feel. Somebody tell me what I'm supposed to feel.

-Broken. My ovaries don't work properly. They are supposed to work properly. At least till age 35, or 38, or 40, or 45, or whatever is the trendy number. I'm walking around with broken things in me. I can feel the sharp, poky edges of the broken things. At least I imagine I can. But no one can even tell.

-Stupid. Was I supposed to know that my ovaries would start to shut down? Was I supposed to have done something differently in my life?

-Confused and discouraged. Every time we think we've got infertility figured out, and form a plan for moving forward, we find out something that changes the game.

-Grateful. That  I can find out information. That I have people to  turn to. That there are medical professionals that can possibly help me and Mr. Turtle to have a child. Somehow. Although it seems to get more complicated all the time. I think I've finally stopped imagining natural conception and a baby in my life - even secretly.

-Shocked and surprised. I didn't expect this. Even when I considered it, even when I restrained myself from gloating over my perceived fertility, even when I wondered what the tests might show, I still didn't expect POF.

-Whatever emotion is the opposite of shocked and surprised.  Fatalistic? I look for and find patterns in my thoughts, experiences and imaginings that create a pattern where POF fits. Haven't I wondered about conceiving with donor gametes and concluded I would be OK with it? Haven't I wondered about adoption and decided that I could do it because I'm sure I would be able to bond with an adopted baby, or even older child? After all I know so-and-so who adopted, I read this blog, etc. That must mean I "knew" that we would have to walk this road. From one point of view I know this is silly. I imagined a natural conception and babies and family far more often than I tried to imagine anything different, at least until recently.

But still I find myself thinking on my life experiences and trying to pull messages from them, some of which are heartening and some of which are not. For example, I broke my foot two and half weeks before our wedding. Everything went ahead as scheduled though; I think the only thing we modified was I had some help to climb the steps.  I got married and went on a honeymoon with cast and crutches.  People would say how sorry they were for me, but I didn't and don't want anyone feeling sorry for me because I wasn't sorry for myself.  The truth is I had an amazing day and amazing holiday, and I have no regrets whatsoever. Didn't I learn then that the greatest joy and happiness are always within reach, even when things are broken? Perhaps, when things are broken, they are even closer.

-And then my feelings circle back back to one of the other points and repeat over and over.

We keep going forward, because really, where else is there to go?

And we will find a path in all of this. Somehow.


14 comments:

  1. Oh, Turtle. I'm sorry. What a cycle of emotions. It sounds exhausting. Thinking of you, friend.

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    1. Thanks Lentil. We are working on processing this new info. I am doing OK. I wanted to write about the feelings and get it out there, so I feel less like it's taking me over...

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  2. I'm sorry to hear about that. But it's not game over yet. You're in your early 30s, so you have a good chance at succeeding with IVF. When it comes to eggs, quality matters more than quantity. So even if you have DOR, all it needs is one good egg!

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  3. Thanks for the encouragement Ariel! It's good to keep positive (easier some days than others.)

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  4. I can so relate to what you wrote about feeling "broken." I hate that you're having to go through all those emotions, but you are able to articulate your feelings so beautifully. I love the comparison to breaking your foot before your wedding day--"Didn't I learn then that the greatest joy and happiness are always within reach, even when things are broken? Perhaps, when things are broken, they are even closer." Reading those words made me want to cry. What a beautiful way to put it. I will keep following your story.

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  5. Thanks so much for reading Annie and for your compassion! I find I often to write down my feelings in order to process them. I'm not used to feeling out of control and scared and "broken." I am an anxious person naturally, but at least in the past few years I've gotten used to feeling quite capable. All this infertility really challenges that.

    I've added your blog to my "archipelago" and will be reading too!

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  6. Your feelings are ALL so incredibly understandable. Especially the first, asking to be told what to feel. I remember saying that so many times along the way - wanting someone to tell me what to do, feel, want. It all just gets so freaking confusing with the influx of emotions. I truly hope you are able to find a successful path soon.

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  7. Thanks SIF! I hope that soon we can get all the facts together (well, as many as possible) and get a plan. I'm getting to the point where I don't even mind if the plan is radically different from what we had imagined - I just want SOME kind of a plan. IF is such a twilight zone. I feel like I'm trying to make my way through the dark woods in pursuit of something that keeps evading me, all the while dodging predators that I can't see clearly.

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  8. Hey there, you have a wonderful way with words. Check out my blog. I feel you are so accurate in saying about being closer to joy and happiness even when things are broken. Diagnosed with pof at 26/27, but now mummy to one gorgeous baby boy via Surrogacy in India, at age 28! We hadn't even started ttc at diagnosis. We became closer to becoming parents through the "brokeness" of my body.
    I'm sorry you're suffering, I questioned every element of my identity and feminity two years ago. I fell apart, and gradually put myself back together as a new me. Take your time and in your own way I'm sure you'll do the same in your own way. Sending you tons of love strength and respect, will be following your story! X x x

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    1. Thank you for the comment and compassion Shakti Rose! I will definitely check out your blog.

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  9. Hey there. Here from LFCA. My friend with high FSH and POF just had baby girl twins via donor eggs. Not sure if that's an option, but thought I'd share. Good luck! BIG HUG.

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  10. Thank you Miracles! I really like to hear those success stories. We have a few more tests to undergo (I give more blood for Science today - it never ends!) before we can decide what path to take. But all the options will be on the table. Thanks for reading :-)

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  11. Hey thanks for stopping by my blog and for your kind words. This post pretty much sums up the feeling I have about having this diagnosis. It does suck. But I am also grateful to know the information in order to help up get closer to a take home baby/child. I love this sentence that you wrote: "Didn't I learn then that the greatest joy and happiness are always within reach, even when things are broken? Perhaps, when things are broken, they are even closer." Very wise. I will keep that in mind.

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  12. Thanks binkymoongee. I'm glad my words were of some help! It is a sucky diagnosis but at least I don't feel totally alone in trying to navigate through this.

    I will add your blog to the archipelago and keep following!

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