I sometimes wonder what on earth I will find to write in an (in) fertility blog, when I have no news about diagnoses or treatments or anything, and no idea when I will have any. (It's been exactly 3 months, give or take a day or two, since our family doctor said he'd refer us to the fertility clinic. On their website it says it takes 2-3 months to follow up on a referral. Yah, I have been counting the weeks. The back of my mind is a busy place; there's always some sort of math going on.) But I keep writing torthúil because even if this is all rather boring, it's a special kind of boring that needs to be named and included in a history.
If I was to describe myself in one word right now (meaning the past couple months, and into the immediate future) I would say "slack." The word brings to mind a rope that isn't being drawn, laziness as in "slacker," the expression "give some slack", meaning "relax a little and let a person do as they choose", and the image of a loose drumhead (I'm a percussionist). Slack right now means only minimal charting and no timed intercourse. I loosely track the first half of my cycle using the Ovacue so that I have some idea of when I ovulate, and thus when my period is due. I can have irregular cycles and I've gotten used to being able to predict The Period. But I don't chart and analyse the numbers like I did when we were doing timed intercourse (up till January).
But even more importantly, slack means letting go of emotional intensity. I haven't given up on hope or desire or intention to have a child. Not at all. Tell me anything that would increase that chance, that I could start doing right now, and I'd be on it. But as far as I can tell, there isn't anything, other than common sense choices such as staying in good health and saving money. And maybe I didn't know just how exhausted I was by the escalation of hope with every cycle, and the subsequent disappointment, until we ceased timed intercourse and charting. So while the hopes and dreams and desires are all still there, I'm not fueling them by focusing on them. I still think about trying to conceive every day. But I don't hang onto the thoughts or give them any sense of urgency. Slack. The boat is anchored. There's no wind pulling on the mooring line. No rush to start on any journey, even if there is a journey pending.
Maybe it's been easy to go Slack because I know that this won't last forever. Even now, I can have plenty of tension and restlessness at times. But I am grateful for the period of Slackness, too. Even if I'm thinking about TTC, I can also experience thoughts and feelings of gratitude for this phase of life. Even while I'm busy trying to visualize myself (and Mr. Turtle) as parents, I can enjoy the fact we aren't yet.
Even while I count the weeks and wish the Fertility Clinic would just call and let us get on with the show, I feel surprisingly peaceful.