Wednesday 6 March 2013

Next year will not be a good year to....

At work this time of year, we are asked to fill out a survey about planning for next year: i.e. what classes we might like to teach, ways we'll contribute to the school, and so on. Our former principal always sent out a very short survey that barely required a complete sentence to answer any question.  So I never spent much thought or time on it.  However, we have a new principal  this year and his survey had a lot more questions in it requiring deeper thought: for example, what we saw as strengths and growth areas of the school, what aspects of the timetable we would keep or change, and if we have training in any areas that we are not currently using that we would like to use. As it happens my professional experiences over the past two years have led me to be a lot more opinionated about certain things, so I had very detailed answers for most of the questions.

The hardest questions to answer were the ones that asked if I wanted to teach at a different job or school, and if I was interested in pursuing leadership opportunities and/or training. I have considered doing some or all of these things in the past two years, although I haven't seriously investigated any options. I've been at my current position for five years, and at the school for five and a half. Last year our former principal told me that I should consider changing jobs and/or schools soon if I wanted to continue to develop my career. Now, this was someone I didn't see eye to eye with on a lot of things. However, I do agree with him, more or less, on that particular matter (I've heard similar opinions from others, along the line that it is not a good  idea to get stuck in one job or school).  I wasn't in a position last year to invest time or mental energy in job searching. I care about my work at my current school a lot and several issues had developed that needed my energy, effort and knowledge to resolve. I wasn't comfortable walking away from the situation: it wouldn't have sat right with me. However, I did at the time decide to treat this year as my last year at my school. I wasn't committed to leaving, but I wanted to challenge myself to think of it as the last year, to get mentally ready for a change.

After getting the news about the IF diagnosis in January, that plan no longer looks so good. The thought of using ART (timeline unknown, but I assume we will commence treatments in the next 12 months) and trying to learn a new job at the same time scares me too much. My current job is no walk in the park, but at least I have a general idea of  how the year goes and what is required. I also am part of a great, supportive team. I no longer feel comfortable giving that up. Even if I was laid off this year, I might hesitate before seeking another full time contract.  I am almost certain that the stress of ART combined with the stress of a new  teaching job would simply put me over the edge of sanity.

Here's the thing though: I feel hesitant and strange about admitting to people that I want to stay in my current job for personal reasons, not strictly professional ones. I know that it's important to prioritize and care about myself  and all that. (Well, I sort of know.) But deep down I still feel that I have to offer a pound of flesh to the school community to really be worthy of my work.  If I can be doing something, then I feel like I should be doing it, and if I'm not doing it I'm just making excuses. I also see myself as an efficient, capable, effective person (with my share of flaws of course) and I don't like admitting there might be limits to that.

I want to be a parent and I'm willing to take on ART and its risks, and whatever else the journey might bring. I'm not going to change my mind about that. But still, when it comes down to actually saying that my professional life is no longer priority number one, I feel some discord.

I hesitated a long time over the questions about what I want to do in  the furture. Saying parenthood is a priority didn't seem appropriate, and writing about infertility was definitely TMI, especially since I still don't know all the details of what we are dealing with and what the timeline is. Once we have a treatment plan, things will be different: I plan to make some disclosure at least to the people I immediately work with. But right now I just don't know what I will be dealing with, except that it will probably be hard to deal with sometimes or all the time. I could have everything from a healthy, low-risk pregnancy, to a difficult pregnancy, to several failed treatments, to miscarriages and baby loss, to a multiple pregnancy. I'd like to think the first or second IVF treatment will work and I'll have an happy healthy pregnancy and a baby at the end, but I'm not counting on it.  I don't want to get all paranoid and pessimistic, but loading my life up with extra stress next year seems like a very bad idea, whichever I look at it. But how do you say that to an employer? I finally settled for "Next year would not be a  good time to look for a new job or pursue leadership training." I figure if that's not enough information they can always ask for more.

It seems like such a small thing, and yet it's got me thinking of all the ways this diagnosis is changing my plans and assumptions, in subtle but huge ways....

The Turtle

14 comments:

  1. This post felt so so so familiar. I stayed at my teaching job for years rather than moving into a different/better position because of two things: insurance and the flexibility for monitoring appointments in the morning. I have no regrets because I made the best decision I could make in that time period with the information I knew. But I don't think people can truly fathom the far-reaching effects of IF. That is goes beyond the ability to create a family.

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  2. Thanks for the comment (first one on the blog!) I didn't realize you had been a teacher. It's great to hear that someone has made a similar decision before and does not have regrets. :-)

    Yes, IF challenges assumptions in so many ways.

    Turtle.

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  3. It is so hard to make decisions about the future when we don't know whats going on in the baby department. I hope you have the answers you are looking for soon.

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  4. Me too! thanks for leaving the note.

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  5. I put many things on hold during my IF journey and have many regrets because of it. I think most of those regrets come from the fact that nearly 5 years later, we still don't have children. I lost out on a lot of opportunities and can't go back and get a do-over now. While I don't recommend taking on too many new things while going through IF, I would recommend at least doing the leadership training if for no other reason than it will help give you something else to focus on other than trying to conceive. I went through leadership training and it basically amounts to a few classes/meetings at various times throughout the school year and then some chances to observe and/or practice skills learned. And, you can likely do it in your same school (which is what I did). Just don't sell yourself short because you could wind up like me, childless and unhappy at work.

    Here from Mel's weekly blog roundup.

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    1. Thanks for the comments and perspective! It certainly wouldn't hurt to learn more about what's involved in leadership training. I only have a vague idea right now. I've certainly spent more time researching IF and treatments than thinking about what the rest of my life might look like, outside of possible parenthood.

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  6. Thanks for writing. This - "I want to be a parent and I'm willing to take on ART and its risks, and whatever else the journey might bring. I'm not going to change my mind about that. But still, when it comes down to actually saying that my professional life is no longer priority number one, I feel some discord." - really rang true for me. As a new lawyer navigating the very fraught roads of infertility, it's not easy to, on certain days, put my professional life on the back burner. I don't have anything profound to say except that, like you, I want badly to be a mama and yet have misgivings or uneasiness about intentionally shifting my priorities. Keep on keepin on!

    Also here from stirrup queen's weekly round up!

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    1. Thanks Sarah! Wow, this blog was an island and now thanks to all the comments it feels like part of an archipelago! What a nice surprise to see all the comments after a weekend away. (offline)

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  7. Here from CDLC. I not only chose a specific position (which, at the time, did not look like the best career move, although it turned out to be great) because of my IF situation, but I then stayed in that job for three years, rather than moving on in a more timely manner, only for family reasons. I have found that even after becoming a parent, the family/career dilemma continues to be a problem. Something about IF made it so clear that if family was something that was worth fighting for before I had children, it continues to be worth fighting for now that there is actually a child in the picture. I don't have any advice about how to handle this situation, but I do encourage you to just make a decision and not look back. Good luck!

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    1. Thanks Sara :-) I like your statement "Something about IF made it so clear that if family was something that was worth fighting for before I had children, it continues to be worth fighting for now that there is actually a child in the picture." Right now it feels like it will be easier to make decisions once I have a timeline and treatment plan, but of course the opposite could be true too.

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  8. I feel like I could have written this at the beginning of my treatments. My principal asked us to fill out something similar each spring and I never knew what to say. I remember feeling jealous of people with unplanned pregnancies because besides the obvious benefits of not have to inject yourself or have daily ultrasounds, they never had to plan that far ahead. But I will say now, it was worth it. Good luck!

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    1. Thanks mutemockingbird. Any decision to have a child calls on the parents to plan ahead, one would think, but with an IF diagnosis it does feel like so much more planning is required: planning what to do if things go right, planning what to do if things go wrong. It can all feel so overwhelming. But at least at this point in the journey, I'm proceeding (mostly) with the attitude that it will be worth it.

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  9. Ah, yes, brings me back to the days when I put off this or that because I might be pregnant....hard position to be in, but you have to do what you think is best.IVF is very stressful!

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  10. I've always thought of myself as someone that is capable of a lot, but at the same time...there has to be a clear direction and unity of purpose. If such a thing is possible in a situation with so many unknowns.

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